Empty and Beautiful

I love Matt Maher. Ever since I first heard him in 2005 at Steubenville I practically fell in love with him. When I went this last summer to Steubenville again my love for his voice and his music began a full blown obsession. His songs are like drugs to me. No matter how I feel his music makes me happy and filled with a sense of peace. It's a little weird if you ask me, but I'm not complaining. I can't wait for the summer when we go to Stubenville again. Matt Maher is of course not the only thing that is incredibly amazing about Steubenville, but he is definitely a big reason to attend in my book. Anywho, there are songs of his that I like better than the one I'm about to post. However I feel like this song I have a better connection to. The lyrics just fit.

Empty and Beautiful

My past won't stop haunting me
In this prison there's a fight between
Who I am and who I used to be

This thorn in my side is a grace
For because of it the flesh and blood of God
Was offered in my place, my place

You fought the fight in me
You chased me down and finished the race
I was blind but now I see
Jesus You kept the faith in me

Where did my best friends go?
In my defense they disappeared
Just like Your friends did to You, oh Lord

But You were there, You gave me strength
So this little one might come to know
The glory of Your name, Your name

You fought the fight in me
You chased me down and finished the race
I was blind but now I see
Jesus You kept the faith in me

Awaiting, set apart like incense to Your heart
A libation I'm pouring out
Empty and beautiful, beautiful, beautiful

You fought the fight in me
You chased me down and finished the race
I was blind but now I see
Jesus You kept the faith in me

You fought the fight in me
You chased me down and finished the race
I was blind but now I see
Jesus You kept the faith in me
Jesus You kept the faith in me
Savior, You kept the faith in me

Rain

There is something about rain that calms me. The sound of it beating against the window, the smell of it lingering in the air. I live in the wrong state for rain. Actually I live in the wrong state for many things but that's an entirely another story. In the valley we are lucky if we get more than a week of rain scattered across the entire year. Most of that consists of mere sprinkling, and the occasional monsoon weather we get during summer. So when Chris told me last week that we were expecting record rain I kind of laughed it off. Record rain really isn't that much here. But the past couple nights it has poured. And today when the hard drops beating against the window woke me up at 4 am, I couldn't really complain too much. And as I walk around campus and it continues to steadily come down, I find myself smiling. Yes, my feet are damp, my head has to be covered with a cap because the rain will ruin my bangs and show off my naturally curly hair and I am cold. But I certainly would not trade this beautiful weather for a miserable high 70 day in January.

No, no. The rain is nice.

Spring 2010

So today started the Spring Semester and as I sit here in the Hayden Library it doesn't really seem like I ever left. However this semester I'm going to attempt to tackle 17 credit hours and of course maintain my full-time job. I also of course will be helping out with youth group every Sunday night, and any other time I am needed. Additionally I will attend lector practice on Tuesdays and go to RCIA with Chris on Thursdays. Every spare moment in between will be devoted to studying, spending time with Chris and helping my sister with her homework.

I can do it all, right?

Meh.

I don't even really know what to say right now. Other than I'm frustrated beyond measure. I'm bored, slightly depressed and not one bit amused. It's the same thing over and over again. I can't continue to live this way.

Something has to give.

Fighting Fate

So there's this boy...

I am perhaps one of the most difficult people to be in a relationship with. I'm stubborn, I have a temper, I speak my mind openly and probably worst of all, I have terrible self-esteem. Everything that happens has a negative spin on it. I don't feel like I'm worth any amount of love and therefore when something, no matter how small, goes wrong I automatically think it's because he doesn't love me. I think it's because he doesn't care. Every wrong move leads me to fear abandonment. I mean why would anyone want to be with me?

I drive Chris crazy. I frustrate him, and he has every single reason to leave. Who would want to be with a girl who constantly accuses him of not loving her each time he makes an honest mistake? But Chris has the patience of a saint. And he loves me exactly as Christ commanded him to; the way Christ loves His Church. Chris doesn't understand precisely why I think the way I do. He doesn't comprehend why the girl whom he thinks is the most beautiful girl in the world could hate herself so much. He doesn't understand why I get so scared of him leaving and why I stupidly push him away. But he does understand that I have a reason. He does understand that I try to fight off my demons. He does understand that I love him, and I never want him to go away.

Chris is my best friend. He's the complete love of my life. Everyone in the world knows that all I want is to be his forever. He makes me feel alive. That numbness that I lived with for so many years faded away when he first kissed me. And that's what is so scary. Chris has stripped me down to my core. He holds my heart in the palm of his hands. The walls that I built up he shattered. But that's terrifying. To be that vulnerable to another human being is unthinkable. So I fight him. I try as hard as I can to build that wall back up. To hide in my emotions, and dwell in my fear. Because if I really let go and allow myself to be free, what then? How will I recover when he does leave? How will I be able to pick myself up? It's easier to deny his love. It's simpler to be ready to push him away. It's seemingly better to just know I'm not worth it and wait until the day he walks away.

But wake up Stephanie. He doesn't want to leave. And if he ever does it'll only because you pushed him away.

There is no denying that Chris deserves much better than me. But there's also no denying that he doesn't want anyone other than me. So why should I fight it? The very least I can do is allow him to love me fully. He deserves me without the walls. He deserves my trust. And I deserve to be happy.

Let yourself be happy.

A New Year

Last year I started off the new year the same place I will begin this year, at the Tempe Block Party. It was my friend Kayla's idea to go. Chris and I went with her and her boyfriend Paterik. As the clock hit midnight he pulled out a ring and asked her to marry him. She of course said yes. A few months later she was married and living in Italy where they were both stationed.

Months after that, in April I believe, another one of my friends got engaged. Jamie was set to marry Shehan in October and I was blessed enough to attend her reception in the beautiful state of Utah.

In about July or so, my friend Alyssa text me announcing she too was engaged. Alyssa in many ways has been a sort of big sister to me, and the news of her engagement came as bit of a shock. But I was ecstatic for her nonetheless.

Kayla, Jamie and Alyssa were three of my closest friends that got engaged this past year. Two of them are already married. They of course weren't the only ones. Randomly throughout the year I would get texts or messages on either MySpace or Facebook annoncing an engagement, or wedding from someone I knew in high school. Some of my old friends were already even having children. Life so it seems was moving on, and quickly.

But it was moving on without me. This year has been nothing except days flying by. The constant routine of every day life became a familiar beat that I found myself simply walking to. Tuesdays and Thursdays go to school. Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday go to work. After work come home, eat and see Chris. Mondays for the most part were Girl's Night with Liz, Kat, Megan and Sonia. Monday was also when NCIS came on. Tuesdays Law and Order. Wednesdays NCIS again. Thursdays was usually entertained by George Lopez. Fridays well, it depeneded on the time of the year. Sometimes I had softball games, other times it was filled with Chris and I trying to figure out what to do. Movies were usually the choice. We saw a lot of movies in 2009. Sunday nights consited of Mass and then youth group. Even that after a while seemed like a routine. Not the Mass itself (the beauty and meaning I pray will never be lost with me), but the preperation beforehand. Lectoring, EM-ing, Ushering, then chasing after teens and doing my best to show them Christ and His Church. Every day was different. Every day was the same.

I turned 20 in 2009. I left my teen years behind, although in my opinion they were already long gone before my birthday. I changed my major, and my choice for a potential career. I spent random nights in the hospital. I passed out at work on Halloween. I took my first real road trip with Chris to Sea World and got a sunburn that I can still see. I laughed, I cried, I fell deeper in love. I aged in more ways than one. But nothing in 2009 was spectacular. Nothing changed. I still live at home without a room of my own. I still have a job I hate. I still live a life that I feel is not going anywhere. I still have dreams that seem so far out of reach. I'm still that same pony tailed girl who is sweet, and good hearted but is apparently intimidating at first. I'm still that girl who boys stupidly fall in love with, even though I am so very out of reach. No, nothing happened in 2009.

It's almost a New Year. I want so many things to happen in 2010.

I just came home from a movie with Chris. We went and saw Brothers and although it was an excellent movie I'm not quite sure if I would ever like to see it again. It hit too many nerves. It produced too many tears and fed my already ever-growing fear. It seemed too...real.

Chris is my everything. My heart is completely his. Although I have been in love before, it has never been like this. Chris makes me feel emotions I didn't even know existed. My love for him never stops growing, and I can't imagine it ever will. I want more than anything to spend the rest of my life with him. But with that want there comes a responsibility. A responsibility that in all honesty I wish I didn't even have to consider, but it is a responsibility that I would not back down from. Chris wants to be a Marine. He's wanted that ever since he was a little boy. He wants to serve his country. And I understand that. I support his dream. Fully and completely. I can be a Marine wife. I can raise our children single-handedly while he's away. I can kiss him goodbye when he gets deployed. I can wait for him, and always be faithful. I can pray every night for his safety and the safety of his men. I can do all of that. I will do all of that. But I will not accept a folded up flag. I will not answer the door to Marines with unwanted news. I won't take a phone call. I will not read a letter telling me goodbye. I cannot do that. I will not.

It's too soon for me to even think about it. It's too soon for me to be this scared, to get this emotional. But I can't help it.

I love him.