Hope

I've never been materialistic. To be perfectly honest, I don't ask for much. Birthdays are not a big deal for me and Christmas is an opportunity for me to give, not receive. Whenever I get proposed to the tiniest diamond ring will do. If I never have a big house, a brand new car or expensive clothes I won't care. Things like that don't mean anything to me.

Love, for me, is the same way. I don't need someone to spend a lot of money on me. I don't need someone to take me places and do elaborate things. Once again, I don't need a fancy diamond ring. I don't need someone to make a lot of money and be financially successful. I can't be bought. No, what I need is a kiss goodnight, and a smile each morning. What I need is your hand in mine when we're walking down the street. What I need are those moments when I catch you staring at me. I need those kisses that make my whole body tremble and my heart catch fire. I need those times when you kiss me on the forehead and whisper that you love me. I need those moments when you call me beautiful. I need that look you give me when your eyes promise me the world.

Chris, you did two things today that took me by surprise. Number one, you grabbed for my hand unexpectedly when we were driving in the car. Number two, you slid in the booth beside me instead of taking a seat in front of me when we went out to eat. Two minor things that said so much to me. Two things that told me not only that you loved me, but also said you want me to stay.

I'm crying right now. But for the first time in such a long time it isn't because I'm sad.

Moment of Clarity

Last night we had a moment. A moment where all you did was sit there and listen to me talk. When you just patiently took my emotions, my feelings, my confusion and my thoughts exactly as they were. I know I hurt you. The way your voice broke when you finally spoke, and the tears welled up in your eyes told me just how much. But for the first time in months you truly understood what I've been trying so hard to tell you.

I thank God for that moment. I thank God for you. I love you Christopher Michael LaVoy.

Nothing to Give

It all started in kindergarten. I liked this boy named Carlos, and he liked me. But there was this other boy named Joseph who liked me too. Joseph chased me around the playground one day and Carlos shoved him. The next week at Arseli's birthday party they got in a fight in her backyard. We were all only 6 years old.

In first grade Carlos moved away, but Joseph still expressed his little boy love toward me. I wasn't pleased. To make it worse Giovanni liked me too. Second grade I moved, and I met Chase. We became best friends really quick, and the feelings we had for each other would flourish inside us until we were 16. But during 2nd through 5th grade there was a different Joseph, Brian, Orlando, Shawn, and Fernie. They all made things rather complicated. I moved to Arizona for good in 6th grade, and I quickly began crushing on this guy named Brandon. But Landon and Paco expressed interest in me too. In junior high I talked to virtually no one, so if anyone liked me I was completely unaware. My freshman year I had my first boyfriend, Justin, but Chris Dinwiddy, Andrew, and Sam stared at me in class and made any excuse to talk to me. After Justin and I broke up I was with Jeremy. Dinwiddy, Andrew, and Sam still liked me. But then Tyler came along and wrote me notes all day long. Then things got really complicated and Chase walked back in my life. Jeremy stuck around, and everyone else faded into the background but then Chris made his way through. Chris was the best thing that happened to me. Chris I was thankful for.

Chris and I have been dating for two years, 7 months and one day. In that time there was crazy John who tried to rape me, Cody and Ramon who just wouldn't leave me alone, and now there's you. You may be the most complicated of them all.

It's no secret that Chris and I are on rocky ground. Things between us aren't perfect and unless he gets the help he needs I will have to walk away. As much as it will kill me. And there's you who tells me everything a girl wants to hear. Tells me how much I deserve to be loved, how beautiful you think I am. You talk to me through song lyrics and the romantic side of me melts. To complicate things you're such a dear friend of mine. I care about you so much. Truly I do. I want you to be happy. And to be honest with you I wish I could make you happy. I wish I could give you what you need. But these desires are all because I always want to be the person that fixes things. Like you, I want to be the hero. The difference however is that I know I can't be. There is no competition here. My heart isn't a contest. I want you to be happy so much it hurts. Truly I do. And I say this with all the love and honesty in my heart, any girl would be lucky to have you. But I can't be that girl. I don't have a heart to give you. Chris has all of me. Every last bit and I want it no other way. He's the one I want forever. He's the one I believe in. He's the one that makes me feel alive.

I need you to understand that. You say you'll wait, but there's nothing to wait for. Stop looking at me and thinking about what could be. There's someone out there that can take away those clouds forever.

Overload

I'm not sure when, or exactly how, but very soon I'm going to write a blog that just might come very close to describing exactly how I feel.

Reader beware

End of the Line

My head is spinning.

I was doing fairly well, or so I thought, plucking through my Sociology of Adolescents textbook. Then all of a sudden I realized that my page was filled with little spots of water dotted all over the place.

I think I may have been crying all day. Lost in a sea of emotions. The funny thing about that is I don't know how to swim.

I need someone to wrap me in the biggest hug they could ever possibly give me and just hold me as I cry. No questions asked, no prodding me to talk. Just hold me and let me cry.

This is so hard. I don't understand how you can say that you love me when you're the one who is tearing me apart.

A real decision needs to be made.

Running on Empty

So there's an overwhelming urge to just say something. What that something is I have no idea. My mind is going a million times a minute and this sleep deprivation is wrecking havoc on my body. I try to act strong, put a smile on my face and just put one foot in front of the other. I think, however, I may just collapse.

I actually don't even have the strength to finish this blog.

The broken strings of the guitar fill my head. Each note cries out to me in the loudest and most soul sinking way. Not a single note is in tune, but it matches perfectly with the voice attempting song.

Who is that man struggling to even keep the guitar in his hands? Whose voice is saturated in cheap whiskey and a six-pack of Bud Light?

Where is my dad beneath those bloodshot eyes?

And at nearly 21 years old, why do I still give a damn?

I need a place to sleep tonight.