Nothing to Give

It all started in kindergarten. I liked this boy named Carlos, and he liked me. But there was this other boy named Joseph who liked me too. Joseph chased me around the playground one day and Carlos shoved him. The next week at Arseli's birthday party they got in a fight in her backyard. We were all only 6 years old.

In first grade Carlos moved away, but Joseph still expressed his little boy love toward me. I wasn't pleased. To make it worse Giovanni liked me too. Second grade I moved, and I met Chase. We became best friends really quick, and the feelings we had for each other would flourish inside us until we were 16. But during 2nd through 5th grade there was a different Joseph, Brian, Orlando, Shawn, and Fernie. They all made things rather complicated. I moved to Arizona for good in 6th grade, and I quickly began crushing on this guy named Brandon. But Landon and Paco expressed interest in me too. In junior high I talked to virtually no one, so if anyone liked me I was completely unaware. My freshman year I had my first boyfriend, Justin, but Chris Dinwiddy, Andrew, and Sam stared at me in class and made any excuse to talk to me. After Justin and I broke up I was with Jeremy. Dinwiddy, Andrew, and Sam still liked me. But then Tyler came along and wrote me notes all day long. Then things got really complicated and Chase walked back in my life. Jeremy stuck around, and everyone else faded into the background but then Chris made his way through. Chris was the best thing that happened to me. Chris I was thankful for.

Chris and I have been dating for two years, 7 months and one day. In that time there was crazy John who tried to rape me, Cody and Ramon who just wouldn't leave me alone, and now there's you. You may be the most complicated of them all.

It's no secret that Chris and I are on rocky ground. Things between us aren't perfect and unless he gets the help he needs I will have to walk away. As much as it will kill me. And there's you who tells me everything a girl wants to hear. Tells me how much I deserve to be loved, how beautiful you think I am. You talk to me through song lyrics and the romantic side of me melts. To complicate things you're such a dear friend of mine. I care about you so much. Truly I do. I want you to be happy. And to be honest with you I wish I could make you happy. I wish I could give you what you need. But these desires are all because I always want to be the person that fixes things. Like you, I want to be the hero. The difference however is that I know I can't be. There is no competition here. My heart isn't a contest. I want you to be happy so much it hurts. Truly I do. And I say this with all the love and honesty in my heart, any girl would be lucky to have you. But I can't be that girl. I don't have a heart to give you. Chris has all of me. Every last bit and I want it no other way. He's the one I want forever. He's the one I believe in. He's the one that makes me feel alive.

I need you to understand that. You say you'll wait, but there's nothing to wait for. Stop looking at me and thinking about what could be. There's someone out there that can take away those clouds forever.