I am weak. But am I called to lead the strong?

I don't think I express how much my faith means to me as much as I should. Actually what's perhaps worse, I don't think I live out my faith as much as I should. But I truly, honestly and deeply love Jesus Christ. And I love His Church. Being Catholic is by far the best thing in my life. It is the proudest thing I identify with, and the most intimate relationship I have. Everything the Church is, is beautiful. There could be no better Bride for the perfect Bridegroom. And to be part of that Church, to be called to such an intimate relationship with my King is glorious. To enter into the Kingdom of Heaven at every Mass is breathtaking. To have a Lord who loved me so much that He humbled Himself to be consecrated into bread and gives His flesh to me to eat every Sunday is indescribable. The Eucharist is the center of my world. It is the holy and perfect sacrifice that led me to be Catholic; that prevented me from becoming LDS, prevented me from joining just any Christian denomination. The Eucharist is what saved me. The Eucharist is Jesus. The Eucharist is the focus of the Mass and the Mass is what Catholicism is.

But the love of my faith does little to lead me out of temptation. In fact I believe the struggle gets worse. I believe that Satan wants me so much because he knows how much I love God and His Church. I know the Truth, and the Prince of Lies wants me to himself. I am so weak too. How often do I fall into sin. How often do I struggle and neglect my prayer life. How often do I rely on my own sinful humanity to get me through all life's hardships and neglect the outstretched hand of my Lord that is always there! I am so foolish. I am such a sinner. I am so weak. Yet God keeps calling me into great things.

I had a wonderful conversation with a beautiful and holy woman friend of mine, Thea. I told her things that are hard for me to say. I expressed to her my confusion, and my concern. This discernment that I've been going through isn't easy for me. I'm caught in-between my wants and God's will and the fear of them not matching up. And it isn't that I'm fighting with God as to what I should do with my life. It's me wanting something that I think God wants, but not being entirely sure if that is in fact His will. But Thea gave me a better perspective than anyone else has so far. Thea gave me encouragement. She confirmed my beliefs and gave me some peace.

I was in confession with a priest I didn't know. I had never seen him in my life and he had never seen me. I sat face to face with him and I confessed my sins. I told him about all my mistakes, all my imperfections and all my shortcomings. And before he even absolved me he looked into my eyes and said, "I hope one day you can come to my parish and talk and minister to my teens." Here I am, a lowly sinner telling not just a man, but Christ's representation on earth, how awful of a person that I am and he responds with this? Through my weakness, he wishes me to lead. Now this happened a couple months ago, but was this my answer? Was this God saying, "Yes, Stephanie, yes!" God qualifies the unqualified.

This is what I want Lord. Do You want it too?