Stuck

I think I like torturing myself. I really don't mean to, but I somehow always end up doing so. Lately with the amount of free time that I have I have been watching a lot of TV. Specifically two shows; House Hunters and Say Yes to the Dress. And when I'm alone watching half the time I end up crying. Now I'm too sentimental as it is, but I just get overwhelmingly happy when either the bride finds the right dress or someone finds the perfect house. But I think a good amount of the tears are a bit of jealously.

Let's begin with House Hunters. Now right now, I don't want a house per se. But I do need a space of my own. I can't breathe at home. There's no place for me to be alone, no place for me to think. I'm restricted to a corner of a room, a tiny section in the hallway and half a closet that seems to be getting smaller every day. I want my own stuff in my own room. I want my pictures on the wall. I want to walk into a room and feel like I belong there. I want my personality to come across on the walls, the furniture and the bedding. I want to be able to organize my stuff without worrying about someone else going through it and making a mess. I want my personal things to be just that, personal. I don't want to find things missing without my knowledge or permission. But I shot myself in the foot by quitting Sam's. As much as I hated it, as much as it was killing me maybe I should have stayed. I miss my paychecks. I miss my concrete 40 hours a week and $11 an hour. Maybe I'm just not being patient. I do have a job right now, and depending what service I'm providing I make equal pay, or more. But the hours are too little. Ugh. I just don't know what to do. It's conflicting emotions. I'm happier without Sam's, but I'm a bit more stressed financially. Maybe if I got a second job. But I don't know. I just want to get out of my house.

Then there's my too eager desire to begin a life with the only person I ever want to love. Despite certain difficulties, Chris and I are doing wonderfully. In fact, we're doing better than ever after what happened. Our relationship is stronger, and everything is heading in a great direction. We've been together for 2 and half years, known each other and have been best friends for nearly 5 years. He's my everything, and the way he looks at me and just simply holds my hand makes me realize that I'm his too. I don't want to wait for something that I know will happen eventually anyway. But I know we can't get married yet. I know Chris doesn't make enough money. I know right now I only make enough to pay my bills. And although my taste is cheap, and I can make do with less, the time isn't now. The time unfortunately is years from now. And that seriously kills me. Especially the idea of Chris leaving in three years for the Marines and me having to stay behind because I won't be his wife.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. I think right now I'm just overwhelmed with wants that I can't have. My patience is worn thin and I'm struggling to see past my current situation. But I have to just keep going in hopes that one day I'll have what I want and need. Or at least that's what I try to tell myself.