So there's no real secret that I have abandonment issues. Major ones. Like I seriously fear and somewhat expect any number of people to walk out of my life and never come back. To me, that would make sense. I look in the mirror and I certainly do not see someone worth being loved or cared about. I don't see someone worth someone's time. I try to. And to be honest I have my moments. But mostly all I see is that little girl waiting for her mom and sister to come back home. I see her waiting for a phone call, a letter, a birthday card. I see a little girl standing in a corner hunched over in a ball as she got screamed at and hit. I see a girl who wasn't worth her mother's time, and who could never do anything good enough.

Living like this is hard. Especially considering the way I love people. I really don't think I'm normal in this sense. I love fiercely. And I love everyone. I'm really not just saying that either. You walk into my life for a second and you're forever in my heart. You spend a day there and all my wholehearted devotion is yours. There is seriously nothing I will not do for those that I love. That's just a part of me that grows stronger with every day I continue to exist. Probably my favorite shirt that I have is my St. Therese shirt that has this quote from her that says, "The only thing I really wish for is to love until I die of Love". How beautiful and true that is.

For the most part, I think I'm a pretty good friend. But I screw up from time to time and when I do it torments me. It kills me that I hurt someone that I love. I will seriously cry for hours at the idea of you being in pain because of something I did, or didn't do. But really, perhaps beyond that, is my selfishness. My selfish fear that you're going to walk away. And it isn't like I would blame you. After all, who am I that I would deserve to have you in my life? But that doesn't change me from wanting you. From needing you to stay. Because when it comes down to it, that's who I am. I'm needy and selfish. And although my love for you, for all of you, is in its purest form I ask for something in return. Even though my love is genuine, and regardless of anything it won't fade, I want something back.

I just want to be loved too.