Dear Diana

The news of your brother hit me hard. Although I hadn't seen him in years the memories I did have of him were so positive. He was a bright young man with a wonderful heart. I can't imagine the loss you and your family are going through. I wish there was something I could do.

But I can't, can I? In fact I can't even speak to you and offer you my condolences. I can't listen to you cry. I couldn't fly down to be there for the funeral, even though I would have. I can't do any of that.

Diana I don't think I will ever find anyone to replace the void you filled in me. All my life I wanted a best friend. I wanted someone I could talk to about anything. Someone I could trust. Someone I could laugh with, cry with, and simply be myself with. And you were all of that and more. Every moment I spent with you either here in AZ or in UT were invaluable moments that I would never trade for anything. They are memories that I long to relive so often. I miss you so much. And I wish I didn't. I wish I didn't have to force the thought of you so deep inside the back of my mind. I wish I didn't try to forget you, though I never could, just so I don't have to feel this pain anymore.

I know the last few months of our friendship were hard. You stopped talking to me as much and you grew apart from me. Maybe you thought I was too busy for you. Maybe you just realized that I was some awful person. I don't know. But I missed you each day. I tried to fill the loneliness I felt with Jeremy's love but how could I? How could I fill it with something that didn't even exist? I wanted to tell you how much he hurt me Diana. How abusive he was in so many ways. I needed you so much but you had already began fading away. But even then I just thought it was some phase we were going through. I never thought you'd leave me. We were supposed to best friends forever. Don't you remember writing our names in the cement by the Cathedral? And having to run away because the construction workers chased us? Or those stupid rubber bands we would wear because we couldn't afford good bracelets? Diana you were supposed to be my maid of honor and I yours. We were supposed to go on a road trip together across the country in my truck with Asher hanging out in the back. I got the truck Diana and I graduated in three years so I could be with you in Utah. Remember? I did it Diana. But it didn't matter did it? You didn't want me anymore.

I showed you what it meant to be Catholic Diana. You came into the Church and I remember how happy you were. But you threw that away too. The night you called me and told me you didn't want to be my friend anymore you also told me that you didn't really believe in anything anymore. And maybe that hurt more than anything.

I still can't believe you're married and I wasn't there. I can't believe we don't know each other anymore. You were supposed to be the only one that wouldn't leave me. I trusted you completely. But you left me. Just like everyone else. Goodbye is all I've ever known with everyone.

I wish I knew why Diana. I wish I knew what I did. Maybe then I could be okay with things. Okay with so many things...

I'm not mad at you for anything. You did what you did for some reason. If hurting me and ending our friendship is what brought you happiness then I'm glad. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy. I know right now you miss your brother and I'm sure things aren't easy. But I hope that overall you have happiness Diana. I hope your husband shows you and gives you all the love you deserve. I hope you have wonderful friends that get to enjoy your company. I hope that you have everything you need.

I will always miss you.

With more love than you can imagine,
Stephanie