Fighting Fate

So there's this boy...

I am perhaps one of the most difficult people to be in a relationship with. I'm stubborn, I have a temper, I speak my mind openly and probably worst of all, I have terrible self-esteem. Everything that happens has a negative spin on it. I don't feel like I'm worth any amount of love and therefore when something, no matter how small, goes wrong I automatically think it's because he doesn't love me. I think it's because he doesn't care. Every wrong move leads me to fear abandonment. I mean why would anyone want to be with me?

I drive Chris crazy. I frustrate him, and he has every single reason to leave. Who would want to be with a girl who constantly accuses him of not loving her each time he makes an honest mistake? But Chris has the patience of a saint. And he loves me exactly as Christ commanded him to; the way Christ loves His Church. Chris doesn't understand precisely why I think the way I do. He doesn't comprehend why the girl whom he thinks is the most beautiful girl in the world could hate herself so much. He doesn't understand why I get so scared of him leaving and why I stupidly push him away. But he does understand that I have a reason. He does understand that I try to fight off my demons. He does understand that I love him, and I never want him to go away.

Chris is my best friend. He's the complete love of my life. Everyone in the world knows that all I want is to be his forever. He makes me feel alive. That numbness that I lived with for so many years faded away when he first kissed me. And that's what is so scary. Chris has stripped me down to my core. He holds my heart in the palm of his hands. The walls that I built up he shattered. But that's terrifying. To be that vulnerable to another human being is unthinkable. So I fight him. I try as hard as I can to build that wall back up. To hide in my emotions, and dwell in my fear. Because if I really let go and allow myself to be free, what then? How will I recover when he does leave? How will I be able to pick myself up? It's easier to deny his love. It's simpler to be ready to push him away. It's seemingly better to just know I'm not worth it and wait until the day he walks away.

But wake up Stephanie. He doesn't want to leave. And if he ever does it'll only because you pushed him away.

There is no denying that Chris deserves much better than me. But there's also no denying that he doesn't want anyone other than me. So why should I fight it? The very least I can do is allow him to love me fully. He deserves me without the walls. He deserves my trust. And I deserve to be happy.

Let yourself be happy.