Picture This

Picture this: You and me, years from now, cruising along some highway with the top down, stereo blasting, the wind whipping our hair. Whatever we want to do, we do it. No agenda, no schedule, nobody to worry about. We travel the country, buying silly t-shirts and sending postcards, stopping at tiny roadside cafes in search of the world's best pie. No hurry. No rush. We relax in the comfort of a lifetime of companionship. You and me...lovers, friends, partners on this road of life.

"My love,
As I was searching the store looking for the perfect card the title of this card stuck out at me. This was the card I needed to show you. That I picture us years down the road..."

Today marked my two year anniversary with Chris. The above is from the card he got me and the beginning of what he personally wrote. I've never felt so much love, and had such a hard time not crying from a single card. I keep reading it over and over again.

I don't know when it will happen. I don't know how long I will have to wait. But I know without a shadow of a doubt that one day I will be his wife. And with that knowledge I cannot help but smile and find peace.

Mere Words

I've decided that I can't write anymore. Not that I ever really could but there was a point in my life that I was somewhat decent. Now it seems as though my thoughts cannot be fully formed into words. It only somewhat makes sense and my emotions are not being adaquetly expressed. It is quite frustrating.

I wonder what happened.

Sponsor

I take my faith very seriously. The Catholic Church is beautiful in its divine perfection and I am so blessed to be a fully initiated member of Christ's Church. Although I know I fall short, I do my very best to be a good Catholic. I help out with youth group to the point that I basically assist in leading the entire program. I have been lectoring now for five years, been an Eucharistic Minister and as usher for four. I've been honored and quite frankly shocked by being mentioned twice in a homily by two different priests. I give money, I take tags from the Giving Tree every year, I help out with Friends of the Needy and at any moment I can lead any practice for various ministries. But none of that means anything to the blessing and opportunity I have in front of me. None of my acts of stewardship will mean anything if I do not fulfill the duty I have been given to the best of my ability.

This year, in fact in just a few short months, two very important events are occurring. First my darling boyfriend will be baptized and receive his First Communion and Confirmation at the Easter Vigil. I have the honor and responsibility of being his sponsor. I am being asked to lead and guide him not only through the day that he becomes a fully initiated Roman Catholic but through the rest of his life. I am to be an example. I am needed to be there at all times for support and encouragement. Through days of temptation, and days of utter joy. My little sister in May will be confirmed as well and I am also her sponsor. The same responsibility that I have for Chris I have for my sister. I am required to be a light shining in the darkness so that I may lead her closer to Christ. This responsibility for both Chris and Marisa I take very seriously, and I thank them for trusting me to be a guidance for them.

By the grace of God may I be successful in sponsoring them and leading them to an intimate relationship with Christ and His Church.

Love, love, love...

It seems like it is all I ever think about. In some sense, in every way my mind is always on the man I love. Whether it be on how much I miss him when I'm at work, what we will do when I get home, when the heck he will ask me to be his wife or just how he is and what he is thinking at the exact moment I think of him.

Yesterday Chris got surgery for a hernia he had. Although I knew he would be okay yesterday was one of the hardest days of my life. Even the night before when he left my house I couldn't help but crumble into a small mess of tears. The idea of him being cut up in any way and experiencing any kind of pain was unbearable to me. And as the hour came for his actual surgery I stood at work with an agonizing pain in my heart. Guilt and fear swarmed me and I did everything I could to suppress my tears. I felt like I should have been there in the waiting room waiting for him to be done. Yes, the surgery was scheduled pretty last minute and I couldn't have possibly gotten the day off. Yes I needed the money, but not being there killed me. What was worse though was the concern I had for his safety and comfort. I desperately wanted it to be all over and for him to be safe. I wished with everything I am that somehow I could experience the pain I knew he would feel during his recovery in his place. And when he came home and I was able to see him I couldn't help but let the tears I had held all day just fall. I was so happy that he was fine and his surgery went well but at the same time it was so painful to see him so weak. Regardless of his actual size, Chris is so strong to me. He is my rock. He is my strength and I look to him for everything. Seeing him lying in bed helpless was heartbreaking to me. All I wanted to do was kiss him and make everything better. I just wanted to take care of him and I did my best with the six hours I was granted.

There was a point during the night that I was able to slip away and find an old box of notes he had written me. To spare a long story, I will just simply say that Chris had them stored in a spare room and I hadn't taken them back from him in a couple years. As he slept I read through each and every one and I was overwhelmed with the amount of love that was in them. My journey to Chris was a long and hard one, and moments like last night make me realize that it never truly had to be. How foolish I was to deny him for so many years. How could I have been so blind and so stupid to reject him over and over again? And oh how much Chris loved me that he stood by me and never gave up. He waited, and waited. I don't deserve his love. I never have. I didn't deserve his friendship in high school. But he gave me both, and he continues to pour them both out onto me without limitations.

Reading those notes made me realize how much Chris loves me. How much he has always loved me. And I know now that I don't need to be afraid. He won't abandon me. I'm his forever and he's mine.

I want to marry him so bad.

Lent

So Ash Wednesday is tomorrow and I've been really thinking about what I should give up for Lent. But it dawned on me that giving up something for approximately 40 days wouldn't be a huge sacrifice for me. Other than my phone and Chris (two things I need) I am not attached to really anything. I'm not a big sweet fan, I don't drink a lot of sodas, I'm not on Facebook that often and so forth. Besides that, how would giving up any of those things help me on my spiritual journey? How will that lead me closer to Christ and allow me to gain an even deeper understanding of the love and sacrifice He made for me? So I've decided that this Lent I am going to commit myself to something more than meaningless sacrifices. There is something that every day I am short of, and that's time. With my schedule I find it difficult to find any time for myself and God. I say little prayers here and there but lets face it, my prayer life is pretty pathetic. So for Lent I am going to spend at least 30 minutes in the Adoration Chapel once a week. Every day I will read something from the Bible and I will make sure that every morning when I wake up I say hi to Jesus and thank Him for another day before I get out of bed. I need to give God more of my time. Perhaps I will think of a few more things before tomorrow morning, but I think it's a start.

Unstable

I officially hate that word. Unstable. Saying it leaves a sour taste in my mouth, an ache in my heart, and an opportunity for my thoughts to spiral out of control. Bah. How will I get over this one?

I have a lot to say. But all I can think of right now is "unstable".