It seems like it is all I ever think about. In some sense, in every way my mind is always on the man I love. Whether it be on how much I miss him when I'm at work, what we will do when I get home, when the heck he will ask me to be his wife or just how he is and what he is thinking at the exact moment I think of him.
Yesterday Chris got surgery for a hernia he had. Although I knew he would be okay yesterday was one of the hardest days of my life. Even the night before when he left my house I couldn't help but crumble into a small mess of tears. The idea of him being cut up in any way and experiencing any kind of pain was unbearable to me. And as the hour came for his actual surgery I stood at work with an agonizing pain in my heart. Guilt and fear swarmed me and I did everything I could to suppress my tears. I felt like I should have been there in the waiting room waiting for him to be done. Yes, the surgery was scheduled pretty last minute and I couldn't have possibly gotten the day off. Yes I needed the money, but not being there killed me. What was worse though was the concern I had for his safety and comfort. I desperately wanted it to be all over and for him to be safe. I wished with everything I am that somehow I could experience the pain I knew he would feel during his recovery in his place. And when he came home and I was able to see him I couldn't help but let the tears I had held all day just fall. I was so happy that he was fine and his surgery went well but at the same time it was so painful to see him so weak. Regardless of his actual size, Chris is so strong to me. He is my rock. He is my strength and I look to him for everything. Seeing him lying in bed helpless was heartbreaking to me. All I wanted to do was kiss him and make everything better. I just wanted to take care of him and I did my best with the six hours I was granted.
There was a point during the night that I was able to slip away and find an old box of notes he had written me. To spare a long story, I will just simply say that Chris had them stored in a spare room and I hadn't taken them back from him in a couple years. As he slept I read through each and every one and I was overwhelmed with the amount of love that was in them. My journey to Chris was a long and hard one, and moments like last night make me realize that it never truly had to be. How foolish I was to deny him for so many years. How could I have been so blind and so stupid to reject him over and over again? And oh how much Chris loved me that he stood by me and never gave up. He waited, and waited. I don't deserve his love. I never have. I didn't deserve his friendship in high school. But he gave me both, and he continues to pour them both out onto me without limitations.
Reading those notes made me realize how much Chris loves me. How much he has always loved me. And I know now that I don't need to be afraid. He won't abandon me. I'm his forever and he's mine.
I want to marry him so bad.
No comments:
Post a Comment