$ $ $

So I absolutely love my truck. It's my baby. I've wanted a Nissan Frontier ever since I was a little girl and having it means so much to me. I got it a month after I turned 18 and still every time I see it I can't help but smile. It's beautiful. Getting my truck came with a price though. Because I had just barely turned 18 the dealership wouldn't approve me for a loan. My dad put it in his name, but he had less than perfect credit. So I have to pay $432 every month. Now, I was more than up for the job, and I haven't been a single day late for the last two years and few months. I also have never asked anyone for even the tinist bit of help. This is my truck. My responsibility. But lately I've been a little frustrated with this responsibilty. First and foremost, $432 added onto my already roughly combined $250 monthly bills tends to add up. I always have enough money of course, and I have money to spare but not enough to let's say, move out. There's no way I could afford an apartment payment and still pay my bills on time. But each time I ride the lightrail to and from school and pass all the apartment complexes my heart aches. I want to move out very badly. I need to move out. I share a bedroom with my 15 year old sister and let's face it, it's her room not mine. All I have is a corner of the room and half a closet. I seriously have no space and it drives me crazy. I'm going to be 21 this year and I can't just keep being here like this for much longer. Something just has to change.

I checked how much I've paid on my truck since I got it and I found out that I've paid over $4000 in interest. And if I keep on at this rate I won't be done paying it off until 2012. That's ridiculous! I need to do something about all of this.

I mean come on.

Concussions, love, and a call I don't know how to answer

So the past few months have been a bit of a blur. Things are going way too fast and I haven't had any real time to think. School is crazy, work is too time consuming, and I can't help but want to spend every spare second with the man I love. But I had been having this awful nagging feeling that I need time to process certain information. Contemplate my future and dreams. And so God in all His infinite wisdom and glory probably had something to do with me hitting my head just a little too hard on a steel bar at work. I was required to rest.

Of course having a concussion isn't the best condition for much thinking. That being said, nothing exactly slows down my thought process. So as I just laid in my bed, I thought about what I should actually do for the rest of my life.

When I was in high school I wanted to be a doctor. After being in ROTC I had every intention of joining the Air Force and being a doctor through them. I had medical problems however and so I was unable to join the Air Force but my dream of being a doctor was still very much real. I started college with the intetion of majoring in pre-med and for a year and a half that's what I did. But it didn't feel right. My heart just wasn't in it. And so after a lot of tears and mental breakdowns I changed my major to something that probably always suited me better. So says all the career test I've ever taken at least. I still haven't told my family, but now I'm majoring in psychology. I love it actually. It interersts me much more than the science classes I was taking and I'm happier because of the change. When I first decided I was going to really change my major I had it all planned out. Get a BA in psych and a masters in counseling and begin working as a counselor while I work on a doctorate degree. It seemed perfect, and I was content. But then the dioscean retreat happened.

I'm a CORE member at my parish and I love doing it more than anything in the world. I'm pratically the unpaid assistant youth minister and I take great joy and pride in everything I have to do. I love each and every one of those teens very much and each Sunday I'm with them they help me grow as a person, and as a daughter of God. Running a small group is as easy as breathing to me. I never have to search for the right thing to say. It just flows from within me. Sharing my faith with others truly is effortless. But I always had it in my mind that I'm just good as a volunteer. But then while I was sitting in the youth minister Jeremy's office one day he asked me if I would take the job after I graduate. At first I just laughed at him, and told him he was crazy. But then he looked me in the eye and said "Stephanie, don't you know you were made for this?"

A week later I had to do a testimony talk in front of 500 teenagers. Now I've done talks before, but only to no more than 30 teens. Walking up on stage was intimidating. But once I opened up my mouth, I had nothing to fear. I felt the Holy Spirit inside me, and I let Him take control.

After the session teens from all across Arizona came up to me and thanked me. They thanked me for sharing my story, thanked me for being an inspiration to them. Some of them told me I made them cry. One person looked me in the eye and said through my entire talk she just prayed and thanked God for me. She thanked God for me mere existence. She told me I had a gift. Everyone who spoke to me said I had a gift. That this is where I belong. The director of youth ministry in the diocease came up to me even and told me this is what I was born to do. That the way I spoke, the conviction I had...it would be wrong to not use my gifts.

My friend Michael and I joke around about our vocations. He's convinced I'm going to be a youth minister, and I'm convinced he's going to be a priest. We make fun of one another, point out little signs, and encourage one another to pray about it.
But I don't know. Michael does. Jeremy does. A handful of teens and adults on the reatreat do. But what about me? Is this really what God wants me to do? Is this what I'm supposed to do? Is this His will? Because right now, it's not mine. But then again, I just don't know.

Easter 2010

Alleluia, Alleluia! Christ is risen! The good news is here! Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior conquered death. Our sins and transgressions are forgiven through his suffering, and today as we celebrate triumphantly Christ's resurrection we too must remember that we also rise with Christ. Let our dead hearts be resurrected. Let us shout from every roof top and atop every mountain that Christ is the risen Lord! As Fr. Greg said last night, we are an Easter people. Let us be filled with joy and walk toward the light of Christ each and every day. Amen.

Last night at the Easter Vigil, my darling boyfriend became a fully-initiated Roman Catholic. As I watched him get baptized, be confirmed with the Holy Spirit and receive his First Holy Communion I couldn't contain my joy. I didn't want Chris to become Catholic because I'm Catholic. I wanted this for Chris because the Roman Catholic Church is the church Christ Himself founded. It's the church that His disciples carried out. Peter was the first pope, and all popes since then have come through his lineage. I wanted this for Chris because this is the truth. But most importantly I wanted this for Chris because Chris wanted this for himself. As he received the Son of Man on his tongue for the first time and knelt down to pray beside me I saw tears streaming down his face. The magnitude of the events that night hit him and he rejoiced. My love is home. You're home baby.

All praise and thanksgiving to you my Lord Jesus Christ.

Scattered Update

So it's been a little bit. It hasn't been a lack of words to be said. I have plenty of those lately. It's just a matter of time that I don't have.

Today was Good Friday and the contemplation of Christ's amazing love on the cross has left me even more torn. I still so very much do not know what to do. I have no idea what God is calling me to.

I need some guidance.

Tomorrow evening I will oficially have a Catholic boy. The thought makes me extremely happy.

I want this semester to be over.

I love the friendship I have with Erin and Jacob. Spending time with them and Chris is just wonderful. Disneyland was so fun and I'm so glad we all got to go.

I need to move out. Like really badly. I just need my own space. Seriously.

Did I mention I'll have a Catholic as a boyfriend after tomorrow?

Hah.