So the past few months have been a bit of a blur. Things are going way too fast and I haven't had any real time to think. School is crazy, work is too time consuming, and I can't help but want to spend every spare second with the man I love. But I had been having this awful nagging feeling that I need time to process certain information. Contemplate my future and dreams. And so God in all His infinite wisdom and glory probably had something to do with me hitting my head just a little too hard on a steel bar at work. I was required to rest.
Of course having a concussion isn't the best condition for much thinking. That being said, nothing exactly slows down my thought process. So as I just laid in my bed, I thought about what I should actually do for the rest of my life.
When I was in high school I wanted to be a doctor. After being in ROTC I had every intention of joining the Air Force and being a doctor through them. I had medical problems however and so I was unable to join the Air Force but my dream of being a doctor was still very much real. I started college with the intetion of majoring in pre-med and for a year and a half that's what I did. But it didn't feel right. My heart just wasn't in it. And so after a lot of tears and mental breakdowns I changed my major to something that probably always suited me better. So says all the career test I've ever taken at least. I still haven't told my family, but now I'm majoring in psychology. I love it actually. It interersts me much more than the science classes I was taking and I'm happier because of the change. When I first decided I was going to really change my major I had it all planned out. Get a BA in psych and a masters in counseling and begin working as a counselor while I work on a doctorate degree. It seemed perfect, and I was content. But then the dioscean retreat happened.
I'm a CORE member at my parish and I love doing it more than anything in the world. I'm pratically the unpaid assistant youth minister and I take great joy and pride in everything I have to do. I love each and every one of those teens very much and each Sunday I'm with them they help me grow as a person, and as a daughter of God. Running a small group is as easy as breathing to me. I never have to search for the right thing to say. It just flows from within me. Sharing my faith with others truly is effortless. But I always had it in my mind that I'm just good as a volunteer. But then while I was sitting in the youth minister Jeremy's office one day he asked me if I would take the job after I graduate. At first I just laughed at him, and told him he was crazy. But then he looked me in the eye and said "Stephanie, don't you know you were made for this?"
A week later I had to do a testimony talk in front of 500 teenagers. Now I've done talks before, but only to no more than 30 teens. Walking up on stage was intimidating. But once I opened up my mouth, I had nothing to fear. I felt the Holy Spirit inside me, and I let Him take control.
After the session teens from all across Arizona came up to me and thanked me. They thanked me for sharing my story, thanked me for being an inspiration to them. Some of them told me I made them cry. One person looked me in the eye and said through my entire talk she just prayed and thanked God for me. She thanked God for me mere existence. She told me I had a gift. Everyone who spoke to me said I had a gift. That this is where I belong. The director of youth ministry in the diocease came up to me even and told me this is what I was born to do. That the way I spoke, the conviction I had...it would be wrong to not use my gifts.
My friend Michael and I joke around about our vocations. He's convinced I'm going to be a youth minister, and I'm convinced he's going to be a priest. We make fun of one another, point out little signs, and encourage one another to pray about it.
But I don't know. Michael does. Jeremy does. A handful of teens and adults on the reatreat do. But what about me? Is this really what God wants me to do? Is this what I'm supposed to do? Is this His will? Because right now, it's not mine. But then again, I just don't know.
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