Hope

I've never been materialistic. To be perfectly honest, I don't ask for much. Birthdays are not a big deal for me and Christmas is an opportunity for me to give, not receive. Whenever I get proposed to the tiniest diamond ring will do. If I never have a big house, a brand new car or expensive clothes I won't care. Things like that don't mean anything to me.

Love, for me, is the same way. I don't need someone to spend a lot of money on me. I don't need someone to take me places and do elaborate things. Once again, I don't need a fancy diamond ring. I don't need someone to make a lot of money and be financially successful. I can't be bought. No, what I need is a kiss goodnight, and a smile each morning. What I need is your hand in mine when we're walking down the street. What I need are those moments when I catch you staring at me. I need those kisses that make my whole body tremble and my heart catch fire. I need those times when you kiss me on the forehead and whisper that you love me. I need those moments when you call me beautiful. I need that look you give me when your eyes promise me the world.

Chris, you did two things today that took me by surprise. Number one, you grabbed for my hand unexpectedly when we were driving in the car. Number two, you slid in the booth beside me instead of taking a seat in front of me when we went out to eat. Two minor things that said so much to me. Two things that told me not only that you loved me, but also said you want me to stay.

I'm crying right now. But for the first time in such a long time it isn't because I'm sad.

Moment of Clarity

Last night we had a moment. A moment where all you did was sit there and listen to me talk. When you just patiently took my emotions, my feelings, my confusion and my thoughts exactly as they were. I know I hurt you. The way your voice broke when you finally spoke, and the tears welled up in your eyes told me just how much. But for the first time in months you truly understood what I've been trying so hard to tell you.

I thank God for that moment. I thank God for you. I love you Christopher Michael LaVoy.

Nothing to Give

It all started in kindergarten. I liked this boy named Carlos, and he liked me. But there was this other boy named Joseph who liked me too. Joseph chased me around the playground one day and Carlos shoved him. The next week at Arseli's birthday party they got in a fight in her backyard. We were all only 6 years old.

In first grade Carlos moved away, but Joseph still expressed his little boy love toward me. I wasn't pleased. To make it worse Giovanni liked me too. Second grade I moved, and I met Chase. We became best friends really quick, and the feelings we had for each other would flourish inside us until we were 16. But during 2nd through 5th grade there was a different Joseph, Brian, Orlando, Shawn, and Fernie. They all made things rather complicated. I moved to Arizona for good in 6th grade, and I quickly began crushing on this guy named Brandon. But Landon and Paco expressed interest in me too. In junior high I talked to virtually no one, so if anyone liked me I was completely unaware. My freshman year I had my first boyfriend, Justin, but Chris Dinwiddy, Andrew, and Sam stared at me in class and made any excuse to talk to me. After Justin and I broke up I was with Jeremy. Dinwiddy, Andrew, and Sam still liked me. But then Tyler came along and wrote me notes all day long. Then things got really complicated and Chase walked back in my life. Jeremy stuck around, and everyone else faded into the background but then Chris made his way through. Chris was the best thing that happened to me. Chris I was thankful for.

Chris and I have been dating for two years, 7 months and one day. In that time there was crazy John who tried to rape me, Cody and Ramon who just wouldn't leave me alone, and now there's you. You may be the most complicated of them all.

It's no secret that Chris and I are on rocky ground. Things between us aren't perfect and unless he gets the help he needs I will have to walk away. As much as it will kill me. And there's you who tells me everything a girl wants to hear. Tells me how much I deserve to be loved, how beautiful you think I am. You talk to me through song lyrics and the romantic side of me melts. To complicate things you're such a dear friend of mine. I care about you so much. Truly I do. I want you to be happy. And to be honest with you I wish I could make you happy. I wish I could give you what you need. But these desires are all because I always want to be the person that fixes things. Like you, I want to be the hero. The difference however is that I know I can't be. There is no competition here. My heart isn't a contest. I want you to be happy so much it hurts. Truly I do. And I say this with all the love and honesty in my heart, any girl would be lucky to have you. But I can't be that girl. I don't have a heart to give you. Chris has all of me. Every last bit and I want it no other way. He's the one I want forever. He's the one I believe in. He's the one that makes me feel alive.

I need you to understand that. You say you'll wait, but there's nothing to wait for. Stop looking at me and thinking about what could be. There's someone out there that can take away those clouds forever.

Overload

I'm not sure when, or exactly how, but very soon I'm going to write a blog that just might come very close to describing exactly how I feel.

Reader beware

End of the Line

My head is spinning.

I was doing fairly well, or so I thought, plucking through my Sociology of Adolescents textbook. Then all of a sudden I realized that my page was filled with little spots of water dotted all over the place.

I think I may have been crying all day. Lost in a sea of emotions. The funny thing about that is I don't know how to swim.

I need someone to wrap me in the biggest hug they could ever possibly give me and just hold me as I cry. No questions asked, no prodding me to talk. Just hold me and let me cry.

This is so hard. I don't understand how you can say that you love me when you're the one who is tearing me apart.

A real decision needs to be made.

Running on Empty

So there's an overwhelming urge to just say something. What that something is I have no idea. My mind is going a million times a minute and this sleep deprivation is wrecking havoc on my body. I try to act strong, put a smile on my face and just put one foot in front of the other. I think, however, I may just collapse.

I actually don't even have the strength to finish this blog.

The broken strings of the guitar fill my head. Each note cries out to me in the loudest and most soul sinking way. Not a single note is in tune, but it matches perfectly with the voice attempting song.

Who is that man struggling to even keep the guitar in his hands? Whose voice is saturated in cheap whiskey and a six-pack of Bud Light?

Where is my dad beneath those bloodshot eyes?

And at nearly 21 years old, why do I still give a damn?

I need a place to sleep tonight.

I am weak. But am I called to lead the strong?

I don't think I express how much my faith means to me as much as I should. Actually what's perhaps worse, I don't think I live out my faith as much as I should. But I truly, honestly and deeply love Jesus Christ. And I love His Church. Being Catholic is by far the best thing in my life. It is the proudest thing I identify with, and the most intimate relationship I have. Everything the Church is, is beautiful. There could be no better Bride for the perfect Bridegroom. And to be part of that Church, to be called to such an intimate relationship with my King is glorious. To enter into the Kingdom of Heaven at every Mass is breathtaking. To have a Lord who loved me so much that He humbled Himself to be consecrated into bread and gives His flesh to me to eat every Sunday is indescribable. The Eucharist is the center of my world. It is the holy and perfect sacrifice that led me to be Catholic; that prevented me from becoming LDS, prevented me from joining just any Christian denomination. The Eucharist is what saved me. The Eucharist is Jesus. The Eucharist is the focus of the Mass and the Mass is what Catholicism is.

But the love of my faith does little to lead me out of temptation. In fact I believe the struggle gets worse. I believe that Satan wants me so much because he knows how much I love God and His Church. I know the Truth, and the Prince of Lies wants me to himself. I am so weak too. How often do I fall into sin. How often do I struggle and neglect my prayer life. How often do I rely on my own sinful humanity to get me through all life's hardships and neglect the outstretched hand of my Lord that is always there! I am so foolish. I am such a sinner. I am so weak. Yet God keeps calling me into great things.

I had a wonderful conversation with a beautiful and holy woman friend of mine, Thea. I told her things that are hard for me to say. I expressed to her my confusion, and my concern. This discernment that I've been going through isn't easy for me. I'm caught in-between my wants and God's will and the fear of them not matching up. And it isn't that I'm fighting with God as to what I should do with my life. It's me wanting something that I think God wants, but not being entirely sure if that is in fact His will. But Thea gave me a better perspective than anyone else has so far. Thea gave me encouragement. She confirmed my beliefs and gave me some peace.

I was in confession with a priest I didn't know. I had never seen him in my life and he had never seen me. I sat face to face with him and I confessed my sins. I told him about all my mistakes, all my imperfections and all my shortcomings. And before he even absolved me he looked into my eyes and said, "I hope one day you can come to my parish and talk and minister to my teens." Here I am, a lowly sinner telling not just a man, but Christ's representation on earth, how awful of a person that I am and he responds with this? Through my weakness, he wishes me to lead. Now this happened a couple months ago, but was this my answer? Was this God saying, "Yes, Stephanie, yes!" God qualifies the unqualified.

This is what I want Lord. Do You want it too?

Runaway

Have you ever felt like your whole world is crumbling to pieces? As though the world is collapsing all around you and within minutes you will find yourself at the bottom of the rubble, trying without success to get out from under?

I don't think I can breathe. There's too much going on. Everywhere I turn there's a pile of problems that I simply no longer have the strength to face. I'm screaming inside myself and trying desperately to put on a brave face. But each day gets longer, harder. I am confident that one day I'm just going to disappear. Slip off the face of the earth without a second thought. You'll find me underneath the pile of heartbreak, stress, and tormenting emotions.

I have no idea who actually reads this pitiful thing. Whether I have a random flock of followers, friends that read silently, or no one at all. Either way I want you to know that I'm not looking for pity. I'm not looking for you to rescue me. I'm not even looking for your understanding. I don't type random words on here for anyone's pleasure. This isn't my cry for attention. This is just me expressing myself in one of the few ways I know how. And even then this isn't adequate enough. If I had the opportunity to strip myself completely down into words I don't think I would. Words mean a lot to me. More than they perhaps should. And in all honesty, I'm a bit afraid of what my words would really have to say.

I think I'm going to run away. Get in my truck and drive. Max out my credit by buying gas. I need a break from everything. I need a fresh start, a new beginning. I want to reinvent myself. I don't want any more responsibility. I don't want to feel 30 years past my 20. I don't want to be a mom. I don't want to pretend that I'm okay. I don't want to think about if my friends are still my friends. I don't want to think about if my boyfriend still wants me forever. I don't want to think. I just want to go. Go and never look back.

I'm going to pack my bags. Stop me if you can.

Stuck

I think I like torturing myself. I really don't mean to, but I somehow always end up doing so. Lately with the amount of free time that I have I have been watching a lot of TV. Specifically two shows; House Hunters and Say Yes to the Dress. And when I'm alone watching half the time I end up crying. Now I'm too sentimental as it is, but I just get overwhelmingly happy when either the bride finds the right dress or someone finds the perfect house. But I think a good amount of the tears are a bit of jealously.

Let's begin with House Hunters. Now right now, I don't want a house per se. But I do need a space of my own. I can't breathe at home. There's no place for me to be alone, no place for me to think. I'm restricted to a corner of a room, a tiny section in the hallway and half a closet that seems to be getting smaller every day. I want my own stuff in my own room. I want my pictures on the wall. I want to walk into a room and feel like I belong there. I want my personality to come across on the walls, the furniture and the bedding. I want to be able to organize my stuff without worrying about someone else going through it and making a mess. I want my personal things to be just that, personal. I don't want to find things missing without my knowledge or permission. But I shot myself in the foot by quitting Sam's. As much as I hated it, as much as it was killing me maybe I should have stayed. I miss my paychecks. I miss my concrete 40 hours a week and $11 an hour. Maybe I'm just not being patient. I do have a job right now, and depending what service I'm providing I make equal pay, or more. But the hours are too little. Ugh. I just don't know what to do. It's conflicting emotions. I'm happier without Sam's, but I'm a bit more stressed financially. Maybe if I got a second job. But I don't know. I just want to get out of my house.

Then there's my too eager desire to begin a life with the only person I ever want to love. Despite certain difficulties, Chris and I are doing wonderfully. In fact, we're doing better than ever after what happened. Our relationship is stronger, and everything is heading in a great direction. We've been together for 2 and half years, known each other and have been best friends for nearly 5 years. He's my everything, and the way he looks at me and just simply holds my hand makes me realize that I'm his too. I don't want to wait for something that I know will happen eventually anyway. But I know we can't get married yet. I know Chris doesn't make enough money. I know right now I only make enough to pay my bills. And although my taste is cheap, and I can make do with less, the time isn't now. The time unfortunately is years from now. And that seriously kills me. Especially the idea of Chris leaving in three years for the Marines and me having to stay behind because I won't be his wife.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. I think right now I'm just overwhelmed with wants that I can't have. My patience is worn thin and I'm struggling to see past my current situation. But I have to just keep going in hopes that one day I'll have what I want and need. Or at least that's what I try to tell myself.