Tell Me Why

I was driving home from my parents in Erin's car and Tell Me Why came on. Naturally it being Taylor Swift I turned it up and sang obnoxiously loud with her. Within moments I began crying. The lyrical content of the song took on so many different meanings for me. Furthermore driving down the road with my favorite artist blasting made me ache for the things that I don't have and filled me with the fear that I'm trying so hard to run away from. These past few days I've felt so alone. I have to conquer so many things and overcome so many obstacles and I've been promised that I don't need to go through this alone yet here I am. No one is helping me. If anything I'm carrying the weight of others right along with me. And right now I'm screaming at the top of my lungs, why? Someone please tell me why.

Last night my ex-boyfriend came over. I was reminded at how wonderful he really is and why so much of me is still in love with him while I cried hysterically into his chest and he cradled me. When I had no one else I had to turn to him. But even the heroics of Chris last night doesn't erase everything that has occurred between us. Or how so much of that song can be sung about him.

My parents destroyed me once again today. My dad this morning, my mom throughout the day. I'm not sure what I do wrong except everything. Really.

I took a chance, I took a shot
And you might think I'm bulletproof but I'm not
You took a swing, I took it hard
And down here from the ground, I see who you are

I'm sick and tired of your attitude
I'm feeling like I don't know you
You tell me that you love me then you cut me down

And I need you like a heartbeat
But you know you got a mean streak
Makes me run for cover when you're around

And here's to you and your temper
Yes, I remember what you said last night
And I know that you see what you're doing to me
Tell me, why?

You could write a book on how
To ruin someone's perfect day
Well, I get so confused and frustrated
Forget what I'm trying to say, oh

I'm sick and tired of your reasons
I got no one to believe in
You tell me that you want me, then push me around

And I need you like a heartbeat
But you know you got a mean streak
Makes me run for cover when you're around

Here's to you and your temper
Yes, I remember what you said last night
And I know that you see what you're doing to me
Tell me, why?

Why do you have to make me feel small
So you can feel whole inside?
Why do you have to put down my dreams
So you're the only thing on my mind?

I'm sick and tired of your attitude
I'm feeling like I don't know you
You tell me that you want me then cut me down

I'm sick and tired of your reasons
I've got no one to believe in
You ask me for my love then you push me around

Here's to you and your temper
Yes, I remember what you said last night
And I know that you see what you're doing to me
Tell me, why? Why? Tell me, why?

I take a step back, let you go
I told you I'm not bulletproof
Now you know

Expressionless

I want to be strong. I want to be someone people can look up to and depend on. I want to be that rock that stays firm even through the toughest storms and that you can hold onto for dear life. I want to take care of so many people.

But I have a problem. I'm not that strong and I need a group of people around me to be strong for me. To care for me. To grab the baton and finish my race. Or at least take a few laps for me. Because I'm so very tired and I'm out of gas.

I talked to Jamie for a little over an hour tonight. Talking to her made me feel normal again if that even makes sense. It made me feel like I had some sort of connection with someone. Like I was being heard and someone wanted to talk to me back. In all reality I don't really feel close to anyone in my life right now. My relationship with God is strengthening but with everyone else I feel distanced. I feel walls up everywhere and maybe it's just my imagination but it's making everything so difficult. As though I needed more on my plate. I'm so confused by everything. I'm so unbelievably lonely. I'm filled with so many things yet I'm so empty. I'm hopeful and trusting in His ultimate plan yet I fear so much.

I wish I could explain to you how I felt. I wish someone could hold me and tell me it's going to be okay and walk me through just a few days.

I wish I could catch a break.

Blog Title

Something I've always lacked is creativity. I tend not to think outside of the box. I'm not good with coming up with names or fun ideas. That's why some of my blogs don't have titles and why for a year and a half this entire blog in itself was practically nameless. This past weekend I ran into my old youth minister at Steubenville. Upon coming home he posted a blog on his website and he mentioned me on it. In his blog he described me as the following: "Back then she was a mess but a devout mess." I couldn't help but laugh when I read that. I'm still very much a mess. Granted I'm a bit more put together, all things considered, but I'm still a mess. But devout? I believe that is something I have always been. In so many aspects of my life. But Gary was talking about faith. It's nearly two in the morning and my mind is running a mile a minute. I want someone to talk to in order to attempt to organize my thoughts. But as the world sleeps and I remain awake I think about my life and what events have led me to where I am now and I can't help but be thankful for how devout I am. I have nothing right now. No job, no vehicle, no boyfriend, and more health problems than I like to admit. My life is a mess yet there is still this sense of peace in my heart because I know that God will take care of me. Things aren't going to get easy quick. In fact they may get harder. But at the end of the day I will be okay because through Him I know that I am loved and no harm will come against me.

Rooted

This weekend I went down to Tuscon, Arizona to my fourth Steubenville West conference. With about 40 of my teens, my closet friends and with 2000 other amazing Catholics I experienced God in a way that I so desperately needed. I planted my desires, my wants, my needs, my fears, my insecurities-my everything in Him. In a moment of complete grace the veil that covered my eyes was lifted. To say that I was blind would be misleading, but it is apparent that I have been walking around in a haze. I was that plant that had been uprooted and shaken by everything that this life of mine has given me and I had thrown myself back into the pot trying to hide my exposed roots. But the truth is God could see them! He knew that beneath that exterior of faked composure and bravery was a scared little girl desperate to be protected; desperate to be loved. But even after everything, after how many times my God has shown Himself to me and blessed me with His presence I never realized that for my entire life I've been looking for love; the love that I desperately need in all the wrong places. As a little girl and still as an adult (although in different and hidden ways), I looked for it in a family that I never truly had. I looked for it in relationships with guys and with friends. There's this deep void that has been inside of me that I've constantly tried to fill, but no one can fill it except Christ. It is He that needs to be my focus. My heart can not desire an intimate relationship with anyone else until I can perfect the relationship I have with Jesus. I sell myself short every single day of my life and God is tired of that. I deserve the world and God proved that when He hung on that cross for my sins so that I may live forever in Heaven with Him. God is begging for my attention and I've been so caught up in everything going wrong around me I've taken my eye off Him. I glance every now and then, but that intimate gaze that He desires is absent from my eyes. Christ has such great things for me. Erin tells me that one day I'll be a saint. Bryan this afternoon told me that sainthood is the path I walk on. The most heart warming moments I had this weekend is when one of my teens told me that they wanted to be holy like me and another that I would make an amazing youth minister. I am not one for compliments and attention makes me uncomfortable. However after all is said and done I do know this, my weakness is made perfect in Him. I'll be His instrument and will be permissive to what His will is. If that graces me with saint-like qualities, so be it, but all glory goes to Him. For now I know that I've fallen in love once again with the best Man of the Universe. My entire being is rooted in Him. I don't want to settle for the love that won't satisfy and bring me the joy that God intended.

For an extended period of time my words haven't been able to formulate. I lack the ability to describe the intricacies of my emotions and the depths of my thoughts. I've been locked in this stagnate of despair for years now. This desire to create something beautiful out of destruction looms over me like a dark cloud that's threatening rain. I ache with a desire to express my inner most torments but I'm so limited. I'm ramming my head against a brick wall thinking maybe I'll wake up from a horrible dream. But this is my life.

I'm tired of fighting tears every day. Even when I let them fall, I never cry enough.

There's far too much inside me.

Am I Worth It?

I want to know if I'm worth the fight. I want to know if I'm worth the struggle. I want to know if I'm worth the tears. I want to know if I'm worth the heartache. Am I worth changing over? Am I worth manning up over? Am I worth reevaluating? Am I worth starting over for? Am I worth loving that much? And I need to know now. Because if I'm not worth it, then I'll remove my heart from the line it still dangles on.

There's some Vodka in my kitchen that I wish I had someone to share it with. But maybe I'll settle with drinking it alone.

IJWTBGEFS

A small portion of my night was brought to you by Sara Evans. I put her CD in my truck, allowed my lead foot to push down a little harder and sang way too loud. If I could have any talent in the world it would be to sing. I love singing so much. I love music. I love the way it makes me feel. I love leaving my emotions in a song. It's a bit ridiculous. But I usually only have those moments when I'm driving. Which is okay.

To say that I'm okay would be a lie. I'm quite literally shattered. It took maybe an hour but I managed to glue myself together. Have I ever hurt this much? Funny how it is. Funny how everything is. I don't think there's one solution. I'd like to say that 95% of me wants to go away. Hurt you one more time but only because once I'm gone, I can never hurt you again. But then what? I just never wanted to lose you.

I don't want to explain my emotions anymore because I just feel like all I ever do is complain. No one gets it anyway. I'm a broken record and no wants to listen to the song I have to play. I understand completely. I've been tired of listening to the song too. For probably so many more years than you.

Do you know what the worst thing is? How I screw everything up and hurt you so much by just being me. By just being who I am.

And this is why I can't stand the person staring back at me every day.

I'll try to be better. I always try. But I'm already stretched so thin. And I can't possibly keep any more promises.

I'm regretting even writing this. Because it can be taken in a way that I don't want it to be taken. I'm just sorry. So very sorry.