Rooted

This weekend I went down to Tuscon, Arizona to my fourth Steubenville West conference. With about 40 of my teens, my closet friends and with 2000 other amazing Catholics I experienced God in a way that I so desperately needed. I planted my desires, my wants, my needs, my fears, my insecurities-my everything in Him. In a moment of complete grace the veil that covered my eyes was lifted. To say that I was blind would be misleading, but it is apparent that I have been walking around in a haze. I was that plant that had been uprooted and shaken by everything that this life of mine has given me and I had thrown myself back into the pot trying to hide my exposed roots. But the truth is God could see them! He knew that beneath that exterior of faked composure and bravery was a scared little girl desperate to be protected; desperate to be loved. But even after everything, after how many times my God has shown Himself to me and blessed me with His presence I never realized that for my entire life I've been looking for love; the love that I desperately need in all the wrong places. As a little girl and still as an adult (although in different and hidden ways), I looked for it in a family that I never truly had. I looked for it in relationships with guys and with friends. There's this deep void that has been inside of me that I've constantly tried to fill, but no one can fill it except Christ. It is He that needs to be my focus. My heart can not desire an intimate relationship with anyone else until I can perfect the relationship I have with Jesus. I sell myself short every single day of my life and God is tired of that. I deserve the world and God proved that when He hung on that cross for my sins so that I may live forever in Heaven with Him. God is begging for my attention and I've been so caught up in everything going wrong around me I've taken my eye off Him. I glance every now and then, but that intimate gaze that He desires is absent from my eyes. Christ has such great things for me. Erin tells me that one day I'll be a saint. Bryan this afternoon told me that sainthood is the path I walk on. The most heart warming moments I had this weekend is when one of my teens told me that they wanted to be holy like me and another that I would make an amazing youth minister. I am not one for compliments and attention makes me uncomfortable. However after all is said and done I do know this, my weakness is made perfect in Him. I'll be His instrument and will be permissive to what His will is. If that graces me with saint-like qualities, so be it, but all glory goes to Him. For now I know that I've fallen in love once again with the best Man of the Universe. My entire being is rooted in Him. I don't want to settle for the love that won't satisfy and bring me the joy that God intended.