There was a moment last night after I took a shower when I walked toward my bathroom sink to brush my teeth that I felt funny for a split second. But it happened too quick for me to react to. The next moment I remember I'm lying on the bathroom floor and my foot hurts, my head is pounding and I hear noises at my door. My body didn't want to move. I had no strength. But I forced myself to crawl to my door and unlock it. I expected my best friend to come to my side but she didn't. Instead Jacob came and was the one that asked me if I was okay. For perhaps a minute or less he held me and I cried to him. I wanted to cling to him and just have him hold me longer. I needed to be embraced so desperately. He told me the words that I needed to hear and I felt momentarily relief but as I looked out my door and saw her back facing me I couldn't allow Jacob's words to sink into my heart the way I needed them to. I don't know how everything will be okay. For anyone.

The tattoo on my wrist means a lot to me. It says a lot about the person that I am, and the faith I have in God. I screw up all the time. I'm a sinner but Christ died for me anyway. Last night words were said that hurt me. It wasn't their intention but it stung. I'm in a very delicate place right now and I just needed support. I needed encouragement and kindness. Not to be told what I was doing wrong and how I wasn't handling things properly or appreciating my blessings. Even, if perhaps, it was the truth. I'm my biggest critic without needing help from anyone else. Not that there is any blame to be administered. I shouldn't take things so personally. I shouldn't be so sensitive. Life experiences should have hardened me, yet they didn't. People pierce my heart so easily. Regardless, knowing I probably shouldn't drive and not wanting to cry in my room I went outside to try to breathe. I didn't intend on going anywhere in particular. I didn't plan on going far or being gone long. But I found myself going in the direction of my park and I couldn't stop. I just wanted to feel whole again.

The sprinklers were on so I couldn't sit in the exact spot that I wanted to. So I settled for a part of the playground. In that moment I once again forgot how to pray. It was like I was 12 again. I was scared, I was alone, I didn't feel wanted in my home and I was completely lost. I had my ipod with me and so I put in on a particular playlist and tried to open up my heart and sing to my God. I started to cry but I still felt so hollow. I still felt so alone.

After a handful of songs I just sat there in silence losing track of my thoughts wishing and wanting so many things. I moved closer to the spot where I wanted to be and just began talking. I was in mid conversation when my phone rang. I almost didn't answer, but I couldn't do that to you. After you hung up though, I couldn't focus again. I felt like my angel was gone and I was done being protected. God didn't want to listen to me anymore.

The night obviously didn't get any better. I had a terrible time sleeping as well. And today sitting here I'm battling all sorts of temptations. Maybe I should just leave. Start new. Or end somewhere else. Either or.

I can't keep feeling this way.