Expressionless

I want to be strong. I want to be someone people can look up to and depend on. I want to be that rock that stays firm even through the toughest storms and that you can hold onto for dear life. I want to take care of so many people.

But I have a problem. I'm not that strong and I need a group of people around me to be strong for me. To care for me. To grab the baton and finish my race. Or at least take a few laps for me. Because I'm so very tired and I'm out of gas.

I talked to Jamie for a little over an hour tonight. Talking to her made me feel normal again if that even makes sense. It made me feel like I had some sort of connection with someone. Like I was being heard and someone wanted to talk to me back. In all reality I don't really feel close to anyone in my life right now. My relationship with God is strengthening but with everyone else I feel distanced. I feel walls up everywhere and maybe it's just my imagination but it's making everything so difficult. As though I needed more on my plate. I'm so confused by everything. I'm so unbelievably lonely. I'm filled with so many things yet I'm so empty. I'm hopeful and trusting in His ultimate plan yet I fear so much.

I wish I could explain to you how I felt. I wish someone could hold me and tell me it's going to be okay and walk me through just a few days.

I wish I could catch a break.