Perhaps I shouldn't publicize this. Not that this blog is longer accessible to the world but still. Even to my selected readers this may be too much. Not too much for you to handle because who am I to measure and to assume your strength? Or even the amount that this concerns you? I'm talking about this being too much for me. Even with the incredible support and love that I know I have so often I feel like I'm walking on this journey alone. And I'm terrified. I'm much more scared than I let on.

Today has been a bad day. I just want more time. Please. Dear God please. I'm not ready for the pain again. I'm not ready for the weakness. I'm not ready for the nausea. I'm not ready for the give out of my legs from under me. I'm not ready for my words to escape me. I'm not ready to have trouble reading. I'm not ready to forget everything. I'm just not ready.

I hate that I'm alone right now. Please someone tell me that everything will be okay.

I'm not asking for a miracle. I'm just asking to be allowed to live my life.