Something is happening to me that is far beyond my control. Beyond anything I have ever experienced before. I am caught between something that I am perhaps not prepared for. Perhaps not strong enough for. Yet I have to be. Funny how it always come to this. Always. Beaten, worn down, tired and at my last breath while the devil is breathing down my neck. Though I suppose it's taken on a different meaning.
I have two incisions on my head. A tumor removed, a section removed from another. My tumor has a name now, though that doesn't give me any more comfort. They want to try a radiation treatment. Then surgery if it doesn't help. I'll take the wait and see method thank you very much. Doctor thinks they removed a portion that was putting pressure on my brain that was causing so much of my problems. Can I hide my symptoms? Can I ignore them? Can some miracle occur and they just not come back? They drained enough fluid to relieve so much of my pain. Or am I still hyped up on too many drugs to notice? Am I lying to myself too? I'm so good at masking everything. I can fool the world. Let me fool the world.
I want to be someone else. Please. Run away from everything. There's a battle going on inside me. I'm not who I want to be. I don't do anything that I enjoy doing. I want to be free.
Despite everything what eats me inside is this feeling. The emptiness I feel. Three weeks is nothing, but it seems like forever. I want to be held.
So much is wrong with me.
More is right in you than is wrong.
ReplyDeleteSteph inside that imperfect body of yours is a glorious, radiant, healthy spirit. That's you love. Not your body. But unfortunately as we both found out the hard way you have to care for your body to keep your spirit going. Do what you have to my love. Because you can.
I know you can.