So there's no real secret that I have abandonment issues. Major ones. Like I seriously fear and somewhat expect any number of people to walk out of my life and never come back. To me, that would make sense. I look in the mirror and I certainly do not see someone worth being loved or cared about. I don't see someone worth someone's time. I try to. And to be honest I have my moments. But mostly all I see is that little girl waiting for her mom and sister to come back home. I see her waiting for a phone call, a letter, a birthday card. I see a little girl standing in a corner hunched over in a ball as she got screamed at and hit. I see a girl who wasn't worth her mother's time, and who could never do anything good enough.

Living like this is hard. Especially considering the way I love people. I really don't think I'm normal in this sense. I love fiercely. And I love everyone. I'm really not just saying that either. You walk into my life for a second and you're forever in my heart. You spend a day there and all my wholehearted devotion is yours. There is seriously nothing I will not do for those that I love. That's just a part of me that grows stronger with every day I continue to exist. Probably my favorite shirt that I have is my St. Therese shirt that has this quote from her that says, "The only thing I really wish for is to love until I die of Love". How beautiful and true that is.

For the most part, I think I'm a pretty good friend. But I screw up from time to time and when I do it torments me. It kills me that I hurt someone that I love. I will seriously cry for hours at the idea of you being in pain because of something I did, or didn't do. But really, perhaps beyond that, is my selfishness. My selfish fear that you're going to walk away. And it isn't like I would blame you. After all, who am I that I would deserve to have you in my life? But that doesn't change me from wanting you. From needing you to stay. Because when it comes down to it, that's who I am. I'm needy and selfish. And although my love for you, for all of you, is in its purest form I ask for something in return. Even though my love is genuine, and regardless of anything it won't fade, I want something back.

I just want to be loved too.

God's Trust

Mother Teresa said that "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much." I've come to realize in my 20 years that God has trusted me with so much. These past few days was a bit of an exclamation point to that fact.

But in so many ways I am very blessed. And what happened can only make me stronger.

I love that my heart doesn't hurt anymore.

I just want this to all go away. Is that too much to ask for? Can I not find peace? My heart hurts so much. I'm so confused as what I'm supposed to do. The silence is killing me. Every fiber of me just wants to run back into his arms and never leave. But I'm smarter than that. Wiser than that. I know so much more needs to happen before I can even really consider that option. But my love for him hasn't decreased in the slightest. My dreams of a future with him have not dimmed. Things just won't be as easy as I hoped they would be. But then again isn't that what love is? Isn't it hard and difficult? Is it not worth fighting for? Not worth exhausting every option? I think not.

In all likelihood I may still be dreaming. I may be trying to fix things that can't be fixed. But I'm not giving up yet. I still have hope.

And maybe that's why I haven't completely fallen apart yet.

Title Unnecessary

My heart doesn't want to beat anymore. And to be honest, I don't think it is. I keep slipping into moments of hysteria, though I've been impressively good at getting myself out. For the most part I've just been residing in a numb filled world. Anything outside of that is too much to bear right now. I rather feel that dull ache and emptiness then the inconsolable heart-wrenching pain that will rack my entire being followed by a monsoon of sobbing and a killer headache afterward. No, I can't go there yet. Though I know at some point, I'm going to have to. Unless of course something inside him stirs and he reaches out. But I'm not betting on that.

What now?

The rain was pouring down. Lightning struck somewhere far away in the distance. And in a second my world was shattered. I never thought we would get here. Despite every thing baby I didn't think we would come to this. I didn't think you'd hurt me like this. You told me it was wrong to fear you. You told me you'd never hurt me. But aren't I too old to find truth in anyone's promise? Your hand grabbed my neck and wouldn't let go. I couldn't breathe, and as I struggled to get away you just squeezed tighter. It all happened so fast. The closing of my throat as air tried to break through, your shove that sent me stumbling backwards. How easily I could've just lost my footing as I stood barefoot in the rain. How easily I could've slipped and hit the rocks in my yard. Part of me wishes I did. I think I would rather be knocked unconscious than be fully aware of the gravity of the situation.

I told you I didn't want to be with you anymore. And that couldn't be further from the truth. You have my heart. But how can I be with you when you're like this? I know that you aren't all to blame. I know I upset you. I know my words and opinions are what set you off. But I can't add up all these excuses and have it equal a reason for what you did.

It's 3:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. You left over two hours ago and my throat still burns from where you hurt me. We aren't together. Not for now. I need a few days. And really so do you. The hardest part is you don't even understand what you did wrong. The excuses add up for you.

I love you. But what am I supposed to do now? Is this the beginning of change or simply goodbye?

Falling Short

I'm not sure what's going on. When did our communication cease? Or is it barely now that I'm realizing it? I don't know how I can live like this. I don't know how much I can take. I'm getting different answers from all around me. But the problem is I can't decipher what my heart is saying. There is no doubt that I love you. I love you more than you could possibly imagine. But really, when has my love ever been enough? In anything?

I'm so confused. So disheartened. My whole life seems to be falling into pieces. I'm weighed down by emotions. I'm doing too much but accomplishing too little.

Maybe once again I've been kidding myself. Maybe forever doesn't exist. With anyone.

Maybe happiness isn't possible for everyone.

I hate that as hard as I try to fight it, the thought of simply dying is still so pleasing.

Dear Diana

The news of your brother hit me hard. Although I hadn't seen him in years the memories I did have of him were so positive. He was a bright young man with a wonderful heart. I can't imagine the loss you and your family are going through. I wish there was something I could do.

But I can't, can I? In fact I can't even speak to you and offer you my condolences. I can't listen to you cry. I couldn't fly down to be there for the funeral, even though I would have. I can't do any of that.

Diana I don't think I will ever find anyone to replace the void you filled in me. All my life I wanted a best friend. I wanted someone I could talk to about anything. Someone I could trust. Someone I could laugh with, cry with, and simply be myself with. And you were all of that and more. Every moment I spent with you either here in AZ or in UT were invaluable moments that I would never trade for anything. They are memories that I long to relive so often. I miss you so much. And I wish I didn't. I wish I didn't have to force the thought of you so deep inside the back of my mind. I wish I didn't try to forget you, though I never could, just so I don't have to feel this pain anymore.

I know the last few months of our friendship were hard. You stopped talking to me as much and you grew apart from me. Maybe you thought I was too busy for you. Maybe you just realized that I was some awful person. I don't know. But I missed you each day. I tried to fill the loneliness I felt with Jeremy's love but how could I? How could I fill it with something that didn't even exist? I wanted to tell you how much he hurt me Diana. How abusive he was in so many ways. I needed you so much but you had already began fading away. But even then I just thought it was some phase we were going through. I never thought you'd leave me. We were supposed to best friends forever. Don't you remember writing our names in the cement by the Cathedral? And having to run away because the construction workers chased us? Or those stupid rubber bands we would wear because we couldn't afford good bracelets? Diana you were supposed to be my maid of honor and I yours. We were supposed to go on a road trip together across the country in my truck with Asher hanging out in the back. I got the truck Diana and I graduated in three years so I could be with you in Utah. Remember? I did it Diana. But it didn't matter did it? You didn't want me anymore.

I showed you what it meant to be Catholic Diana. You came into the Church and I remember how happy you were. But you threw that away too. The night you called me and told me you didn't want to be my friend anymore you also told me that you didn't really believe in anything anymore. And maybe that hurt more than anything.

I still can't believe you're married and I wasn't there. I can't believe we don't know each other anymore. You were supposed to be the only one that wouldn't leave me. I trusted you completely. But you left me. Just like everyone else. Goodbye is all I've ever known with everyone.

I wish I knew why Diana. I wish I knew what I did. Maybe then I could be okay with things. Okay with so many things...

I'm not mad at you for anything. You did what you did for some reason. If hurting me and ending our friendship is what brought you happiness then I'm glad. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy. I know right now you miss your brother and I'm sure things aren't easy. But I hope that overall you have happiness Diana. I hope your husband shows you and gives you all the love you deserve. I hope you have wonderful friends that get to enjoy your company. I hope that you have everything you need.

I will always miss you.

With more love than you can imagine,
Stephanie