Runaway

Have you ever felt like your whole world is crumbling to pieces? As though the world is collapsing all around you and within minutes you will find yourself at the bottom of the rubble, trying without success to get out from under?

I don't think I can breathe. There's too much going on. Everywhere I turn there's a pile of problems that I simply no longer have the strength to face. I'm screaming inside myself and trying desperately to put on a brave face. But each day gets longer, harder. I am confident that one day I'm just going to disappear. Slip off the face of the earth without a second thought. You'll find me underneath the pile of heartbreak, stress, and tormenting emotions.

I have no idea who actually reads this pitiful thing. Whether I have a random flock of followers, friends that read silently, or no one at all. Either way I want you to know that I'm not looking for pity. I'm not looking for you to rescue me. I'm not even looking for your understanding. I don't type random words on here for anyone's pleasure. This isn't my cry for attention. This is just me expressing myself in one of the few ways I know how. And even then this isn't adequate enough. If I had the opportunity to strip myself completely down into words I don't think I would. Words mean a lot to me. More than they perhaps should. And in all honesty, I'm a bit afraid of what my words would really have to say.

I think I'm going to run away. Get in my truck and drive. Max out my credit by buying gas. I need a break from everything. I need a fresh start, a new beginning. I want to reinvent myself. I don't want any more responsibility. I don't want to feel 30 years past my 20. I don't want to be a mom. I don't want to pretend that I'm okay. I don't want to think about if my friends are still my friends. I don't want to think about if my boyfriend still wants me forever. I don't want to think. I just want to go. Go and never look back.

I'm going to pack my bags. Stop me if you can.

Stuck

I think I like torturing myself. I really don't mean to, but I somehow always end up doing so. Lately with the amount of free time that I have I have been watching a lot of TV. Specifically two shows; House Hunters and Say Yes to the Dress. And when I'm alone watching half the time I end up crying. Now I'm too sentimental as it is, but I just get overwhelmingly happy when either the bride finds the right dress or someone finds the perfect house. But I think a good amount of the tears are a bit of jealously.

Let's begin with House Hunters. Now right now, I don't want a house per se. But I do need a space of my own. I can't breathe at home. There's no place for me to be alone, no place for me to think. I'm restricted to a corner of a room, a tiny section in the hallway and half a closet that seems to be getting smaller every day. I want my own stuff in my own room. I want my pictures on the wall. I want to walk into a room and feel like I belong there. I want my personality to come across on the walls, the furniture and the bedding. I want to be able to organize my stuff without worrying about someone else going through it and making a mess. I want my personal things to be just that, personal. I don't want to find things missing without my knowledge or permission. But I shot myself in the foot by quitting Sam's. As much as I hated it, as much as it was killing me maybe I should have stayed. I miss my paychecks. I miss my concrete 40 hours a week and $11 an hour. Maybe I'm just not being patient. I do have a job right now, and depending what service I'm providing I make equal pay, or more. But the hours are too little. Ugh. I just don't know what to do. It's conflicting emotions. I'm happier without Sam's, but I'm a bit more stressed financially. Maybe if I got a second job. But I don't know. I just want to get out of my house.

Then there's my too eager desire to begin a life with the only person I ever want to love. Despite certain difficulties, Chris and I are doing wonderfully. In fact, we're doing better than ever after what happened. Our relationship is stronger, and everything is heading in a great direction. We've been together for 2 and half years, known each other and have been best friends for nearly 5 years. He's my everything, and the way he looks at me and just simply holds my hand makes me realize that I'm his too. I don't want to wait for something that I know will happen eventually anyway. But I know we can't get married yet. I know Chris doesn't make enough money. I know right now I only make enough to pay my bills. And although my taste is cheap, and I can make do with less, the time isn't now. The time unfortunately is years from now. And that seriously kills me. Especially the idea of Chris leaving in three years for the Marines and me having to stay behind because I won't be his wife.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. I think right now I'm just overwhelmed with wants that I can't have. My patience is worn thin and I'm struggling to see past my current situation. But I have to just keep going in hopes that one day I'll have what I want and need. Or at least that's what I try to tell myself.

So there's no real secret that I have abandonment issues. Major ones. Like I seriously fear and somewhat expect any number of people to walk out of my life and never come back. To me, that would make sense. I look in the mirror and I certainly do not see someone worth being loved or cared about. I don't see someone worth someone's time. I try to. And to be honest I have my moments. But mostly all I see is that little girl waiting for her mom and sister to come back home. I see her waiting for a phone call, a letter, a birthday card. I see a little girl standing in a corner hunched over in a ball as she got screamed at and hit. I see a girl who wasn't worth her mother's time, and who could never do anything good enough.

Living like this is hard. Especially considering the way I love people. I really don't think I'm normal in this sense. I love fiercely. And I love everyone. I'm really not just saying that either. You walk into my life for a second and you're forever in my heart. You spend a day there and all my wholehearted devotion is yours. There is seriously nothing I will not do for those that I love. That's just a part of me that grows stronger with every day I continue to exist. Probably my favorite shirt that I have is my St. Therese shirt that has this quote from her that says, "The only thing I really wish for is to love until I die of Love". How beautiful and true that is.

For the most part, I think I'm a pretty good friend. But I screw up from time to time and when I do it torments me. It kills me that I hurt someone that I love. I will seriously cry for hours at the idea of you being in pain because of something I did, or didn't do. But really, perhaps beyond that, is my selfishness. My selfish fear that you're going to walk away. And it isn't like I would blame you. After all, who am I that I would deserve to have you in my life? But that doesn't change me from wanting you. From needing you to stay. Because when it comes down to it, that's who I am. I'm needy and selfish. And although my love for you, for all of you, is in its purest form I ask for something in return. Even though my love is genuine, and regardless of anything it won't fade, I want something back.

I just want to be loved too.

God's Trust

Mother Teresa said that "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much." I've come to realize in my 20 years that God has trusted me with so much. These past few days was a bit of an exclamation point to that fact.

But in so many ways I am very blessed. And what happened can only make me stronger.

I love that my heart doesn't hurt anymore.

I just want this to all go away. Is that too much to ask for? Can I not find peace? My heart hurts so much. I'm so confused as what I'm supposed to do. The silence is killing me. Every fiber of me just wants to run back into his arms and never leave. But I'm smarter than that. Wiser than that. I know so much more needs to happen before I can even really consider that option. But my love for him hasn't decreased in the slightest. My dreams of a future with him have not dimmed. Things just won't be as easy as I hoped they would be. But then again isn't that what love is? Isn't it hard and difficult? Is it not worth fighting for? Not worth exhausting every option? I think not.

In all likelihood I may still be dreaming. I may be trying to fix things that can't be fixed. But I'm not giving up yet. I still have hope.

And maybe that's why I haven't completely fallen apart yet.

Title Unnecessary

My heart doesn't want to beat anymore. And to be honest, I don't think it is. I keep slipping into moments of hysteria, though I've been impressively good at getting myself out. For the most part I've just been residing in a numb filled world. Anything outside of that is too much to bear right now. I rather feel that dull ache and emptiness then the inconsolable heart-wrenching pain that will rack my entire being followed by a monsoon of sobbing and a killer headache afterward. No, I can't go there yet. Though I know at some point, I'm going to have to. Unless of course something inside him stirs and he reaches out. But I'm not betting on that.

What now?

The rain was pouring down. Lightning struck somewhere far away in the distance. And in a second my world was shattered. I never thought we would get here. Despite every thing baby I didn't think we would come to this. I didn't think you'd hurt me like this. You told me it was wrong to fear you. You told me you'd never hurt me. But aren't I too old to find truth in anyone's promise? Your hand grabbed my neck and wouldn't let go. I couldn't breathe, and as I struggled to get away you just squeezed tighter. It all happened so fast. The closing of my throat as air tried to break through, your shove that sent me stumbling backwards. How easily I could've just lost my footing as I stood barefoot in the rain. How easily I could've slipped and hit the rocks in my yard. Part of me wishes I did. I think I would rather be knocked unconscious than be fully aware of the gravity of the situation.

I told you I didn't want to be with you anymore. And that couldn't be further from the truth. You have my heart. But how can I be with you when you're like this? I know that you aren't all to blame. I know I upset you. I know my words and opinions are what set you off. But I can't add up all these excuses and have it equal a reason for what you did.

It's 3:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. You left over two hours ago and my throat still burns from where you hurt me. We aren't together. Not for now. I need a few days. And really so do you. The hardest part is you don't even understand what you did wrong. The excuses add up for you.

I love you. But what am I supposed to do now? Is this the beginning of change or simply goodbye?