Words Unspoken

I have so much to say. Seriously. I think I may just burst. How inconvenient it is that no one is awake for me to talk to. How frustrating it is that even if there was I doubt I would know where to start. But I need to talk to someone. I have a desire to answer questions. To explain myself in every matter. To describe events. To express emotions and intimate feelings. I want to share my dreams, my wants, my desires. I want to convey my fears, my insecurities and my shortcomings. I want to leave nothing unsaid. I want someone to know me. All of me. Know everything I've ever done. Know the reasons why I am who I am. I want to let someone know how I feel at this exact moment. I want someone to be interested in my well-being. But how could I ask that from any single person? Who has the time? Who has the desire?

When I was 13 I wanted to write a book. So I started writing. I wrote over 100 pages but I deleted most of it in a spurt of anger. Sometimes I regret it. It said so much. But oh well. I can never get it back. I kept some of it. Two pieces. Here's a part of one:

The rain splattered to the ground. The trees trembled as God's gentle whisper blew through their leaves. Lightning struck, thunder rumbled, as the tears from heaven fell harder to the ground. I stood outside my front door staring at the wonder that stood before my eyes, felt His whisper caress my face. The beauty of a summer storm embraced me warmly. I felt a sensation inside; I wanted to break away. I wanted to leave the life I had and flow as easily as the storm did. I wanted to cry; cry until somebody answered. I wanted to scream; scream until someone heard. I wanted to smile, but my heart would not let me. I wanted to be the rain and the thunder; I wasn't. I stepped into the storm, sorrowed, knowing this was the only way I could be part of it. I walked away from the prison I call a home, walked away from the life I had, dreading my return.

Mind you I was only 13. It's no masterpiece. But they're words that still have meaning for me today. Eight years later and really, how different am I from that kid who went home every single day from school and took out a knife and used it on my skin? Vastly, actually. But at the same time, not too much. I still want to cry. I still want to scream. I still want to smile. I still want to break away.

Waiting

I've been trying to just sleep in order to pass the time. I'm not sure what I'm expecting. All I know is that there is a huge hole in my heart and it makes it hard to even stand. Sleep isn't working. I close my eyes and my thoughts overwhelm me. Different scenarios keep playing in my head. None of them end well. Is it just my pessimistic attitude or the reality of the situation?

I think I'm hungry. But I don't want to eat.

I need some sort of distraction. No. I need answers. Even though I'm terrified of what they may be.

What am I supposed to do when there's no one to turn to? How am I supposed to deal when I'm hurting more than I can tolerate? Tell me, how am I able to calm myself down enough to stop crying when there's still so much inside me? I need to be comforted. I need to be held. I need to be told that I'm not crazy. I'm not being irrational. That this fear is real. But how can I go to anyone? Especially right now.

Jamie, I wish I could see you.

Anxious.

I feel extremely restless. I can't seem to sit still. My mind keeps wandering to extremely weird things. And my dreams? I've never had such vivid dreams in my life. I wake up and I remember everything. Smells, feelings, expressions, words. Nothing especially profound happens but I wake up and I can't get the thoughts out of my head. It's more like I just experienced a day filled with countless events rather than just waking up from a dream.

Going into this weekend I feel extremely anxious. I can't help myself. I feel like I need to protect someone. Station myself outside the door and hide. I just want everything to be okay. I don't want there to be any pain. But if there is. If there's a single moment where I'm needed I want to be there. I just don't think there's anything I can really do. I hate that.

I want to do something. I wish I lived closer to the mountains. I'd love to go on a hike. I want to go camping, actually. My first and only time was amazing but it seriously is one of those things that I've just been dying to do again for years.

I need a job.

21

Today I turned 21 years old. And I realized that although I have very few close friends, they spoil me rotten. It, however, has nothing to do with anything materialistic that they gave me. No, the greatest gifts I received were expressed to me in words.

I want to start off with my best friend, Erin Laura Rebello. I haven't known Erin for too long. We've been really good friends for a little less than two years. When I first met Erin something actually scared me about her. I was scared because I was drawn to her. We'd talk and I found myself wanting to spend more time with her. I wanted to get to know her. I wanted to be friends. And that's absolutely terrifying to me. I felt comfortable with her and so much of me wanted to run away and hide. Regardless if it's a bad thing or not, I'm a victim of my past. I carry around certain things like they're part of my skin. The pain Diana caused me has never been surmounted. And honestly, it still hasn't even healed. But for me I only felt like Jamie could be the only female I trusted completely. She, after all, had never done anything to hurt me or betray me. But then Erin came into my life and she slowly filled a part of me that I thought would forever be empty. And today, she filled it completely and then proceeded to overfill it with the love and friendship she's given me. For my birthday she decorated my truck and wrote in chalk all around it. But the best thing was this:
Inside each of these 21 balloons was a reason why she loved me. Twenty one of the kindest statements that someone has ever given me. And if that wasn't enough she gave me a card later that was filled with beautiful words that made me want to cry for all the right reasons. I love you Erin. Thank you.

Next there was my beautiful and wonderful Jamie Ann Welch-Jaro. Everything she writes to me or says to me has always gone straight into my heart where it's kept safe forever. But a three-paged birthday letter from her was more than enough to get me on my knees and thank God for the blessing He has given me through her friendship. Holding those papers in my hands and seeing her lovely handwriting made me feel like I was close to her. As though she was sitting right next to me, holding my hand and talking to me. I love that she loves me so. I love that she took time out of her day to sit down and write to me. My most precious and beautiful friend, I adore you. Thank you for all that you do, even though you're far away.

Marisa Crystal Ann Gonzalez you're the most beautiful and precious little sister I could ever ask for. I love that in these recent years we've grown into being friends. You're 16 and drop-dead gorgeous and I love you so much. You wrote me a letter that was unbelievably heartfelt. I don't deserve the nice things you said about me, or the way you look up to me, but I will always do my best to never let you down. I love you with all my heart.

Jacob Adam Lane, you're my sexy man who I secretly want forever. If I could have a best man at my wedding it would be you. What you wrote on the single space in the card that Erin left you was sweet. I don't need a lot of words from you to tell me that you care. The amount of times you've been there for me is enough. But perhaps the greatest thing you did for me today was telling me happy birthday and hugging me goodbye when you left the restaurant today. You were so sick and I felt awful that you were feeling so bad but the fact that despite the way you felt you still came means so much to me. I love you Jacob. So much.

Michael Ryan Gray I don't think it's a coincidence that the gift you gave me involved music. It's been such an important part of our friendship. No matter what I will always love you. Difficulties and all. Thank you for taking time and being open enough so that I could share with you just a piece of my musical taste. I appreciate the no complaints, and the comment about my voice. Your string of lights will always shine bright to me.

And of course, the most important person to me and the love of my life, Christopher Michael LaVoy. You got me a handful of amazing material presents. But the best present you gave me today was a note you wrote to me on receipt paper. I swear to you that each and every day you give me another reason to fall in love with you all over again. You just being you is the greatest gift in my life. Period. Not just on my birthday. I love you with everything I am and I always will.

Thank you all for making me feel special on this day.

Emotion Overload

My hands are shaking and I feel like I need to throw up. Tears keep filling my eyes and I have to use all my energy to keep them from falling. Underneath my chin are burst blood vessels that I can only contribute to the stress that I feel. It's hard to stand. I'm not sure I know what to do anymore.

My best friend is in pain and I can't do a damn thing to make anything feel better for her. My other friend just lost his job and it isn't fair that he has to add this to his plate. And here I am just wanting to help them so much but I'm useless. More so I have no strength to. I'm having trouble breathing. I should probably go lay down but I need to get something out. Anything. I don't have a room where I can just go in and cry. I have nothing.

I'm not even sure what the hell is wrong with me. I don't understand what is going on. I know I haven't been able to release completely everything I've felt for the past month or more and it just keeps adding up but get a grip Steph. I'm tired of falling and having no one there to catch me.

Do you know what's even more pathetic? I'm being selfish and stupid because I feel like no one cares that my birthday is on Wednesday. I mean seriously. I hate my birthday. I hate people making a big deal about me. But here I am feeling all hurt because I feel like no one cares. For freaking 20 years I've been telling people to forget about it. It's just another day. But here I am at my 21st crying because I don't think anyone will do a single thing to make me feel special. What is wrong with me? Have I lost so much control that I'm seriously crying for some damn attention? And then to top it off, because my brain works only this way, the three people who actually read this stupid thing will read this and may feel like they need to do something. And if they do I'm going to think it's because I said something not because they actually want to. I'm screwed up. I really am.

You would think that after receiving an answer that I've been waiting for, for years would make me in a better mood. But I'm so overwhelmed with everything that I can't find time to really appreciate it. I still hurt so much. I still have so much inside me that wants to burst. I need to go somewhere and cry and cry and cry. But I don't want to be alone. I'm tired of being alone. I want to cry and have someone hold me and tell me it's going to be okay. But I'm not going to go ask anyone for anything. Especially because the only people I'm comfortable with have their own problems to deal with. They don't have time to worry about me. They shouldn't have to worry about me. It isn't fair.

Tomorrow, after school, I think I may go somewhere. Go hide. If I didn't have this deep hate for alcohol I would probably hide until midnight and then make my way to a bar and drink myself into oblivion.

Bigger than Me

I've never felt so much emotion in just three days before. And that's saying a lot. I held a whole lot in. More than I could really bear. I had to. This retreat was not about me. It was about the teens. Yet I may have learned the biggest lessons.

To say that I didn't want to go on this retreat would be an understatement. I've never felt more pathetically useless in my life. My whole world outside of church was already weighing me down so much. To top everything off I felt like there was nothing I could do this weekend. Everything had been going wrong for me. My only opportunity to really reach out I felt was my talk. But I wasn't allowed to do my talk if I mentioned suicide and so I made the decision to not say it. I had no choice really. Without it my talk lacked the meaning that I desperately wanted to express. But it was more than just my talk. I felt like my role on this retreat was minimal at best. I didn't feel like anything I could do would positively influence the program. I was just there because I was expected to be.

When the teens showed up my heart opened up a little bit. It wasn't that I felt like I suddenly could make some difference. I just simply loves those teens with all my heart and being with them gives me peace. Because of them part of me did want to be there. And not that I wouldn't have either way, but so I gave my best. They deserve nothing less.

I don't have enough energy or the right words to retell how every little thing impacted me. Because every little thing did impact me. Adoration, as always, hit me the hardest. I was seconds away from becoming completely hysterical but I reeled myself in, hard as that was. And even so afterward I felt this need to let go. It was exhausting trying to contain every thing I felt. During the night I kept having moments where I would lose control and I'd find myself with tears uncontrollably rolling down my face and my body racking with sobs. I cried in the dark just wanting someone to hold me and tell me it was okay to cry.

This morning when I woke up from the mere two hours of sleep I was able to get I felt drained and worn out in every way possible. My emotions kept creeping in on me and I began to wonder still why I came. Then as I was in the car with Chris driving home reading the affirmation letters that the teens and my fellow Core members gave me everything hit home. I want to share one that a teen gave me that made me completely realize why I am on this earth. Why I needed to survive everything I've been through. Why my life has meaning.

"Dear Stephanie,
I appreciate and thank you for all the time you spent with the group and I. I truly love you and your personality. You were very open with us. I felt comfortable and welcomed with you. You are a great joy to be around and I really hope I get to see you again. To me, you are a great role model and truly give me confidence in myself and how I look at things. You really made me change. I know I was sort of forced on this trip but you made me make the best out of it. You are a true blessing. Thank you again for the time you spent with us. Thank you so much."

Similar words were expressed to me in nearly every letter I received. I don't know how, or when, or really why but I made a difference. By just being the very person that I am I helped. God gave me something. I don't understand it exactly but He gave me something. I can make a difference. I'm supposed to do this. For the rest of my life.

God is so much bigger than all my pain. He's bigger than all my sins. He's bigger than my emotions and insecurities. His love for me overshadows everything. My prayer for so long is that my deepest desire is to know, love and serve God to the bet of my ability. I just needed Him to show me a way to do that.

Thank you Lord for showing me. Thank you for all those beautiful teenagers. Thank you for making my life worth living for.