Emotion Overload

My hands are shaking and I feel like I need to throw up. Tears keep filling my eyes and I have to use all my energy to keep them from falling. Underneath my chin are burst blood vessels that I can only contribute to the stress that I feel. It's hard to stand. I'm not sure I know what to do anymore.

My best friend is in pain and I can't do a damn thing to make anything feel better for her. My other friend just lost his job and it isn't fair that he has to add this to his plate. And here I am just wanting to help them so much but I'm useless. More so I have no strength to. I'm having trouble breathing. I should probably go lay down but I need to get something out. Anything. I don't have a room where I can just go in and cry. I have nothing.

I'm not even sure what the hell is wrong with me. I don't understand what is going on. I know I haven't been able to release completely everything I've felt for the past month or more and it just keeps adding up but get a grip Steph. I'm tired of falling and having no one there to catch me.

Do you know what's even more pathetic? I'm being selfish and stupid because I feel like no one cares that my birthday is on Wednesday. I mean seriously. I hate my birthday. I hate people making a big deal about me. But here I am feeling all hurt because I feel like no one cares. For freaking 20 years I've been telling people to forget about it. It's just another day. But here I am at my 21st crying because I don't think anyone will do a single thing to make me feel special. What is wrong with me? Have I lost so much control that I'm seriously crying for some damn attention? And then to top it off, because my brain works only this way, the three people who actually read this stupid thing will read this and may feel like they need to do something. And if they do I'm going to think it's because I said something not because they actually want to. I'm screwed up. I really am.

You would think that after receiving an answer that I've been waiting for, for years would make me in a better mood. But I'm so overwhelmed with everything that I can't find time to really appreciate it. I still hurt so much. I still have so much inside me that wants to burst. I need to go somewhere and cry and cry and cry. But I don't want to be alone. I'm tired of being alone. I want to cry and have someone hold me and tell me it's going to be okay. But I'm not going to go ask anyone for anything. Especially because the only people I'm comfortable with have their own problems to deal with. They don't have time to worry about me. They shouldn't have to worry about me. It isn't fair.

Tomorrow, after school, I think I may go somewhere. Go hide. If I didn't have this deep hate for alcohol I would probably hide until midnight and then make my way to a bar and drink myself into oblivion.