Expectations

I'm not sure if I'm a natural born pessimist or if life experiences made me this way. But the glass is half empty over here. I go through life trying my best not to expect anything. If you expect things and they don't fall through you don't get disappointed. It's pretty much that simple. My boyfriend doesn't appreciate my outlook. Which is probably a good thing. He brings sunshine to my cloudy days. But this is me, you know? My thoughts linger around close to the ground. When things go well I can enjoy the happiness that comes with. But if my hopes are up and things go wrong, I don't take it very well. Too much pain. Too many thoughts that turn on me. So I rather protect myself. I rather not expect anything.

I told myself not to get my hopes up. I told myself to not make a big deal out of it. I told myself to not get excited. I told myself over and over and over again. But I failed. Miserably. From the very beginning even. I tried to push my emotions deep inside me. I tried to contain everything I felt. But I just couldn't help it. Years and years of buried down expectations came and bit me. They slapped me in the face. They took a hold of me and convinced me that it would be okay and then they slammed the door in my face. I can hear them laughing right now. When will you ever learn Steph? How stupid can you be?

I'm crying and I hurt. An insane amount. Why so much I don't even know. But I can't blame anyone. I blame myself. Blame myself for thinking that things would work out. Blame myself for being stupid enough to have hope. Expecting things doesn't do me a damn thing except make me feel like this.