Best Friend.

I take those two words probably much more seriously than most. They carry much more weight for me. Too much perhaps. I don't like flinging it around. It's kind of funny but I think I'd probably rather abuse the words "I love you" more than the term "best friend".

I've only had one best friend before. The answer to my many, many prayers. It ended horribly, abruptly, and years later I still carry around the pain and confusion. I blame myself. For what, I'm not sure. But blaming myself comes natural and I had to have done something wrong. But alas, it's over. She's gone and I'm sure her life is better because of it.

To set the record completely straight, Chris is my very best friend. He's my everything and that's how it should be. No one but God comes before him. But right after him is this very special person. This wonderful individual that I can't even begin to express how much she means to me. She's someone I don't deserve, but I'll do anything not to lose. She's someone I felt like I needed from the day we first spoke. But for a while I honestly was scared to trust. I didn't want to open myself up to another person. I didn't want to label anyone those "forbidden words". Especially because she threw them around so lightly. Everyone was her "best friend" and I didn't understand that. I didn't understand how those words seemed not to mean anything. Sometimes it frustrated me. I'd find myself getting angry over it. But maybe it's just because I was jealous. Jealous of the freedom she had with the words. Jealous maybe even of the fact that I wasn't part of the term. Or even if I was that it didn't mean anything. But as the days grew and I began to know her better I found myself not caring. She could have all the best friends she wanted. She could use that term as many times as she wanted. That was her choice. All I knew is that I wanted her to be mine.

We were sitting outside of the Winnie the Pooh ride and gift shop at Disneyland. We had just taken a picture when she said the words for the first time. I didn't reply with what I wanted to. Instead I just was silent. I always wondered if she noticed, or even cared that I didn't say it back. But I couldn't get myself too. Because it scared me. Because I didn't really understand what she meant by them. Was I just one of the many? Probably. As much as I wanted to I couldn't just be okay with that. Not yet. My heart felt happy and hurt so much all at the same time. She doesn't know it, but I couldn't get it out of my head. It's so dumb but it consumed my thoughts. Memories flooded me and fear overtook me. I didn't know how I was supposed to feel.

I'm not sure why the heck I'm so complicated. Why I feel so much and put so much meaning into things. It really is unhealthy. But then that's why I don't trust people easily. And why once it's broken it'll be years and years before its even slightly fixed. Erin is not a replacement for Diana. It isn't like when Diana left I've been searching for someone else. I never wanted someone else. I didn't want to trust anyone like that again. But Erin did come into my life. Erin did fill something deep inside me. Erin did break through my walls. Erin did give me friendship that I didn't simply just want, but needed. I trust her and I want to. She's my best friend. And you know, I don't care if she throws that term around anymore. I don't have to be number one. Do I want to be? Of course! Hah. But I think that's only natural. The fact is I don't need to be. Where I stand doesn't effect where she does in my heart.

I've had a very bad day today health wise. Honestly, sitting here typing this causes me pain. My head hurts, my vision isn't great and I'm afraid that at any second I'll have another seizure. But I need to say all of this. When I stumbled my way to my door this afternoon feeling like I was going to drop dead I only wanted to be with two people. I wanted my boyfriend and I wanted my best friend. Chris came and was an angel for me but I still wanted to have Erin there. I couldn't just ask her though. I knew she was busy and I'm not capable of being that bold anyway. But to my amazement and surprise she brought up the subject to me. She asked to see me. And although I had to wait a few hours she came. And what's more she came with these:


Do you believe that? After every thing she did for me for my birthday she came to my house tonight with roses. And a cookie! Her presence was more than enough. Her presence will always be more than enough. But that fact that she does so much for me is just overwhelming. I don't deserve it, and for as long as I live I never will. But she's here anyway.

Just thinking about her never ceases to make me smile. There is still so much that I want to learn about her. There's so many memories that I want to make. I never want to lose her friendship. Never. But if I've learned anything from my life is that the future is uncertain. Forever doesn't always exist. So I'm grateful for every day I get to be her friend. I'm grateful for all the yesterdays, and today. I'm grateful for the prospect of tomorrow, and the hope I'm allowing myself to have for the years to come. I'm grateful for the very person Erin is. I'm grateful that I'm completely comfortable (and perhaps a little giddy) about calling her my best friend.

I love you Erin. Thank you.