Last night at mass was the most I've ever been distracted. Mass is such an important part of my life and week. It's the one thing I look forward to without fail. But yesterday I couldn't focus. Usually my distractions are very minimal and revolve around the tasks I have to perform during the Liturgy. For instance if I have to lector, if I have to run the collection or if I have to EM. I'm even more distracted when I have to do all three but even so my focus is still extremely sharp. Last night all I had to do was run the collection. A walk in the park. But my thoughts were everywhere.

I haven't received Christ in three weeks. I haven't gone more than a week without receiving communion since I was 14 years old. Not being able to receive causes me physical pain. The idea that my sin is the reason why I can't receive a God who loves me so much that He humbles Himself to be consumed in the form of bread makes me want to sob uncontrollably. Happy are those who are called to His supper. I am not happy.

I know what I need to do. I have to get myself to confession. It's simple enough, and I've had every intention on going since I stupidly chose to sin and separate myself from my Lord. But something keeps happening. I have to do this, I have to do that. I agree to go with my family to a movie and while I'm sitting there watching the previews I nearly burst into tears realizing that I'm going to miss confession. Again. I'm not exactly sure what's going on here. I'm just stupid and losing grip on the world around me? Or is something else happening? All I know is that I want to be in a state of grace on Sunday. I need to be. I want to be able to receive Christ tomorrow even, at mass at school. I hate being this way. I hate feeling this way.

There have been other things, too. I kind of want everyone to just go away. I'm not sure why exactly but I'm tired of...people? I don't know. In some way I feel angry at the world. There's no real explanation, but I want everyone to just leave me alone. I need time to think. Take control of my feelings.

I want to go to the mountains and just be. I'm trying really hard to figure out who in my life actually belong there.