Change

On this beautiful Wednesday before Thanksgiving I sit once again at my computer desk, just thinking. In reality this is probably the only place in the house I can really call my own. This tiny little space that is so inconveniently placed in the hallway. The bathroom door is behind me, and three bedrooms are no more than 10 feet away. One bedroom is less than a foot from me. But alas, this is what I have.

My desk is right next to this. My pathetic little book shelf that cries for more books. Two picture frames that I have no idea what to put in. Half the time the shelf is covered with various items my family decides to place there. I get extremely annoyed with that fact, actually. But what can you do? Respecting space and personal property is apparently something foreign here.

I have a bit of an embarrassing...medical condition? I suppose we can call it that. It causes me a lot of pain and I will probably need surgery. But that requires certain things I'm not willing to ask for. So I'll live with the pain. I really don't mind. It's not like it's life threatening. I can take it. Saying that makes me wonder though. I put up with a lot and really, other than on here, I don't complain. Ninety nine percent of the people I know have no idea what I face day in and day out. I kind of like it that way. Yes, there are times I want people to listen. There are times when I feel alone. But really, I have people. I have Chris. I have Erin. I have Jacob. I even have Jamie, if I needed to resort to calling her up and disturbing her (Yes Jamie, I know that's not how you'd see it). They're my support system and the best friends I could ever ask for. It's my insecurities that lead me to shy away. Not accept their help. That's all me, and I take responsibility. I'm learning. Each and every day. Chris gets the brunt of it all. Erin gets a good portion that perhaps unfortunately for her is steadily increasing. Jacob is my sweetheart who reassures me more than I think he comprehends. Jamie, although states away, gives me peace by just the realization that we're still friends. Words don't need to be spoken with her. I know she thinks about me and is always there. But even though I have all of this support it isn't enough. Not by their own fault, of course. Once again, it's me. I've been in denial of certain things. I haven't taken responsibility for who I'm becoming. I need their help, yes. But I need to buckle down and get to work.

For someone who is so unsure about herself I have a lot of confidence in particular areas. For one, I know I can do anything. Not because I'm smart or talented but because I'm extremely stubborn and I have a great work ethic. But for maybe even as long as a year I've been consumed by questions, fear, and guilt. I've allowed myself to dig a hole and just sit in it. That isn't me. I don't just sit. I've been speaking about being restless but what am I doing? Nothing. I need a change. I quit my job because I needed a change but then I did nothing. I made excuses. I got in a bad situation and had a meltdown. But then what Steph? Exactly what am I waiting for? I'm not even just talking about getting a job. There are so many areas where I'm just sitting and waiting. When did I become that person? When did I stop fighting for what I wanted and raising a fair amount of hell in the process? I need a change. Even if it requires me to pack my bags and leave, I need a change.

Now. Not later.