Bigger than Me

I've never felt so much emotion in just three days before. And that's saying a lot. I held a whole lot in. More than I could really bear. I had to. This retreat was not about me. It was about the teens. Yet I may have learned the biggest lessons.

To say that I didn't want to go on this retreat would be an understatement. I've never felt more pathetically useless in my life. My whole world outside of church was already weighing me down so much. To top everything off I felt like there was nothing I could do this weekend. Everything had been going wrong for me. My only opportunity to really reach out I felt was my talk. But I wasn't allowed to do my talk if I mentioned suicide and so I made the decision to not say it. I had no choice really. Without it my talk lacked the meaning that I desperately wanted to express. But it was more than just my talk. I felt like my role on this retreat was minimal at best. I didn't feel like anything I could do would positively influence the program. I was just there because I was expected to be.

When the teens showed up my heart opened up a little bit. It wasn't that I felt like I suddenly could make some difference. I just simply loves those teens with all my heart and being with them gives me peace. Because of them part of me did want to be there. And not that I wouldn't have either way, but so I gave my best. They deserve nothing less.

I don't have enough energy or the right words to retell how every little thing impacted me. Because every little thing did impact me. Adoration, as always, hit me the hardest. I was seconds away from becoming completely hysterical but I reeled myself in, hard as that was. And even so afterward I felt this need to let go. It was exhausting trying to contain every thing I felt. During the night I kept having moments where I would lose control and I'd find myself with tears uncontrollably rolling down my face and my body racking with sobs. I cried in the dark just wanting someone to hold me and tell me it was okay to cry.

This morning when I woke up from the mere two hours of sleep I was able to get I felt drained and worn out in every way possible. My emotions kept creeping in on me and I began to wonder still why I came. Then as I was in the car with Chris driving home reading the affirmation letters that the teens and my fellow Core members gave me everything hit home. I want to share one that a teen gave me that made me completely realize why I am on this earth. Why I needed to survive everything I've been through. Why my life has meaning.

"Dear Stephanie,
I appreciate and thank you for all the time you spent with the group and I. I truly love you and your personality. You were very open with us. I felt comfortable and welcomed with you. You are a great joy to be around and I really hope I get to see you again. To me, you are a great role model and truly give me confidence in myself and how I look at things. You really made me change. I know I was sort of forced on this trip but you made me make the best out of it. You are a true blessing. Thank you again for the time you spent with us. Thank you so much."

Similar words were expressed to me in nearly every letter I received. I don't know how, or when, or really why but I made a difference. By just being the very person that I am I helped. God gave me something. I don't understand it exactly but He gave me something. I can make a difference. I'm supposed to do this. For the rest of my life.

God is so much bigger than all my pain. He's bigger than all my sins. He's bigger than my emotions and insecurities. His love for me overshadows everything. My prayer for so long is that my deepest desire is to know, love and serve God to the bet of my ability. I just needed Him to show me a way to do that.

Thank you Lord for showing me. Thank you for all those beautiful teenagers. Thank you for making my life worth living for.