Forsakened

My heart is empty. Or close to it. Whatever fills it right now is anger. Anger presented in a way that I've never experienced. I dislike this feeling greatly. But I can't shake it. Not even close.

My world doesn't look like my own anymore. I'm a stranger to my environment. This skin I'm in makes me itch. I feel isolated from any love others may have for me. I feel misunderstood, mistreated, and mostly just cast away. Put into a corner and told that I'll be dealt with later. So I turn to where I turn, and I think even He missed the ball.

My heart longed to be filled by His grace. To be loved the way I know He perfectly loves me. I yearned for His Word. I desired to be in the midst of His people. I hungered for His True Presence. So I sat in the chapel of my very non-Catholic school with about 15 others and waited for Mass to begin. With each passing minute my anxiety consumed me. I fidgeted in my seat. I kept glancing at the door. My heart sunk in my chest and I began praying as hard as I possibly could. I begged God to not do this. We were all waiting. I was waiting. I needed Him to show up. But minute after minute passed and I sat in the corner holding back tears, feeling sick. A guy across from me finally spoke up, and we all nodded sadly in agreement. No one was coming. They probably changed the schedule because of Holy Week. Whatever excuse, no one was coming.

I'm trying to rationalize what happened. I'm trying to make it make sense. Be okay with it. But I can't. Because right now all I had was God and He didn't show up. I'm trying to look at the bright side. I'm trying to justify everything. But I can't. If this happened to one of my teens and they felt like I did and questioned me about it, looking for some sort of counseling answer, how would I answer them? On a good day, I'd have an answer. I'd give them some sort of meaning to all of this. But I can't give myself an answer. And shit happens doesn't suffice.

I don't know the state of mind the other 15 students were in as they waited with me. Or the disappointment they felt when no one came. But I bet everything that none were as great as mine. None needed Jesus more at that moment. And none are blinded by anger right now.

I've never been angry at God. But I'm very angry now. And it isn't just Mass. But it was the last straw.