Struggle

I don't think I know who I am anymore. Or maybe I never did. Maybe my entire life I've lied to myself. Maybe people influence me so much more than I think. Maybe I can't get through to you. Maybe things were never meant to be.

It isn't fair to reach out to you when I'm the one who pushed you away. But maybe I wasn't trying to push you away. Maybe everything I do is just me trying to get you to come closer.

I have knives in the kitchen. Staples in my room. Light bulbs and mirrors I can break for glass. I have lighters. I have my fists. Temptations are everywhere. All the time. But tonight it keeps getting stronger.

I need to be held and told that no matter what, everything will be okay. I need to hear four words that for me, make everything better. But all of that is selfish. And I have no right to ask for anything.