Mental Health Day

Yesterday morning while texting my best friend I sent a text without really thinking. I told her I needed a mental health day. I'm one of those people that struggles to really understand what a break is. I prefer to run, run, and run until everything is done. Of course with life, nothing is ever done. It's a constant race, with new twists and turns added to every lap. Sometimes I feel like I've been running for 21 years.

I woke up this morning at 530 in an empty apartment and just laid in bed for a few minutes. I listened to the silence and I struggled to keep my eyes open. Quietly scolding myself I got up and went into my bathroom and plugged my straightener in. I glanced into the mirror and looked at my messed up hair and sort of laughed and then nervously looked away. Erin says I avoid eye contact. She has no idea how often I do it with myself. I turned around and went to use the bathroom. When I got out I did something unexpected. I unplugged my straightener, turned the light off and went back to bed. School can wait for a day.

I didn't get back out of bed until a little past 9. It was nice to choose to get out of bed because I wanted to, not because I had any place to be. I turned on my music and I began organizing my filing cabinet. I save a lot of things people write to me. Words mean so much to me, especially the written ones. That's how I fell in love with Chris, through the letters we wrote to each other. I have stacks and stacks of cards and letters from Jamie. I have birthday cards from years and years ago from a variety of different people. I read some things from Erin, smiled and then placed them neatly in my cabinet. I've debated giving everyone a separate folder. That may be too much though. As I continued to organize things I found a folder from my Senior Composition class. In it were letters of recommendation that a few of my teachers wrote. One of them stuck out more than the others.

There is no doubt that my self-esteem needs a major boost sometimes. Because in so many different ways across my life I've been told by the people closest to me that I'm not worth it. I bought into all the lies. There is, however, a huge accomplishment in the fact that I can recognize them as lies. The problem is, on most days, I still believe them. Today was one of those days. So I think God gave me something to read.

"If I am ever trapped in a life or death situation, I want Stephanie Gonzalez to be right by my side. This young woman has more drive and determination in her soul than most of us will have in a lifetime...Miss Stephanie Gonzalez is going to make a significant contribution to those in need in her life and do it with strength and grace"

A mere minute later, one of my friends sent me this through text: "I just wanted to tell you how beautiful you are! You are a strong, bright, and an amazing woman. I am truly blessed to have you in my life! Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to have you as a friend. Have a great day Steph Steph."

I'm not quite sure what it is but I've been feeling overwhelmingly alone lately. As though at the end of the day I don't truly matter. I know that I'm loved. In fact I'm loved by more people right now than I ever have been in my life. But I think sometimes I run away from that because I'm so afraid. Afraid of losing everything and realizing nothing was real. I do not want my life to be on repeat.

But then I also realize that sometimes, I need to stop running and take time to breathe. And realize that maybe, I impact my little world more than I realize.