Lost in the Pattern

Moving out was a very good decision. For most individuals however, moving out tends to overwhelm you with new responsibilities. I'm not in the least overwhelmed by responsibility. My responsibilities haven't changed. They simply cost more. Living in this apartment has allowed me to breathe. It has given me my necessary space and a sense of ownership that was seriously lacking in my life. But moving out has made me realize something as well. It has brought forth certain demons that for years I battled against. Loneliness consumes me. Nearly constantly.

I have this fear of being alone. Of being abandoned and having no one to turn to. I have this fear of crying so loud yet no one hearing me. I have this fear of being in pain, of being sick and dying and having no one there to hold my hand. Moments of solitude are inevitable. Often they're even necessary for our well being. But my senses are heightened and I feel more than I usually do. And maybe it's in my head but I feel like something is coming. A moment when everything changes. And I'll have to fight it alone and I won't survive.

Let's go back to 7th grade. A poem I wrote, keeps going through my mind. How I hate my memory. But what I hate more is how the emotions, after 8 years, are still the same.


Painted to the wall;
Lost in the pattern of the bricks.
Tears streaming down my heart;
My face an impassive mess

Dark pools of brown;
Looking on at a world which we all not know;
Failing to find any happiness

Silently screaming;
At lost for verbal words;
Filled with a pain too deep

Fitful nights, unwanted thoughts;
Haunting, terrifying, powerful;
Not being able to sleep

The darkness of day,
Seeping into my soul;
Overshadowing its sorrow and its gloom

A weapon of choice;
A dark piercing mind;
Left to wander this world alone