My best friend knows me better than anyone else. She really does. She's highly perceptive and I can't hide anything from her. Even if I wanted to, she would see through everything. I love her to death and even though we haven't been friends for years and years it's almost as though she's always been a part of me. Tonight certain things happened that angered me and she encouraged me to blog or to journal. Keep it private though. Just get the thoughts out and then sleep. Honestly, I listen to Erin all the time. But I need to publicize this.

My weakness is apparent. The armor I've had has been stripped away and I'm wounded on the field. There is a level of vulnerability that I have never experienced before. Trust is everything to me yet I trust so few. Complete trust only belongs to three people; Chris, Erin and Jamie. There's a couple more on the outer ring but that's it. Everyone is on the outside and it is very difficult to be let back in. But then there was you. A person that I quickly learned to trust and then was betrayed. I understood though, found forgiveness and moved on. Then you abandoned me. Shattered everything and tore open my scabbed over wounds. Still, I allowed you to stay. I cared so much I did everything in my power to look past it. Give you the benefit of the doubt. Even after my continued effort to show you how much you hurt me. After you continually disregarded how I felt because it didn't align with your perception of your actions. I pushed myself past it because I wanted to be a good friend. I wanted to make you happy. You placed me in a difficult position. One I didn't know how to run away from for a couple of reasons. You used my vulnerability against me and even when I begged you to stop you would only make empty promises and then push even harder. You knew so little about how I worked yet so much at the same time. You knew a specific part of me and you played it. You wore me thin until I had nothing left to help me stand. It was as though you were waiting. Just always waiting.

My recollection of events is clear. But then part of me is filled with doubt too. Because I realize how damaged my state of mind currently is. But how could I just blank out? How could I not know? But maybe I do know, and still part of me is trying to give you a chance. Trying to put the blame on me. I don't even know.

Perhaps my anger isn't the lies you told. If even, they were that. My anger isn't the way you portrayed me even after everything, I honestly tried my best to never paint you as the bad person. I took responsibility first. No, my anger is that I told you what I needed from you and you never listened. I told you where I stood but it didn't matter. I asked and you never even truly gave a valiant effort to give. My anger lies in the fact that I trusted you to be my friend but instead you took complete advantage of me. I tried to be there for you but all you ever wanted was one thing.

I am sorry for what I've done and what responsibility I hold in all of this. But I didn't deserve this. I don't deserve to feel the way I do.