"My past won't stop haunting me. In this prison there's a fight between who I am and who I used to be"

I defend you more than I should have to. Not because you aren't worth it, but because there is way too much misunderstanding. You're not who they see. You're not how you make me feel. And even if I myself find certain selfish tendencies apparent, I understand. I understand too much. So there is never distaste or unpleasant feelings toward you. Nor will there ever be. But sometimes I wonder if they're right. Or if I'm not as crazy as I think I am.

But in the end, does it matter? Because this isn't about you. It isn't about anyone. It's about my misshapen self image. It's about those who hurt me before. Hurt wouldn't even be the word. They destroyed me. Filled me with the worst kind of fear. And because of it I'll never feel good enough. There's a past that I'm constantly running from. But you can only run for so long. Everything catches up at some point. I have to face it. I have to reopen every wound and deal with it. Try to find a way to make myself stop blaming myself for everything.

Nearly everyone in my life makes it worse. They feed my insecurities. My sister just says I'm too sensitive. And I probably am. I can spin the smallest thing and make it seem like you said something hurtful. The problem is I don't do it on purpose. And the pain I feel over it isn't faked. I can't stop it, and when all I need is reassurance everyone gives me frustrated responses. I don't blame them either. I'm hard to deal with. But nothing gets accomplished other than me apologizing and stuffing in my emotions for another day.

Maybe if I ran away to a place where no one knew me I could survive. Redefine everything. Make up a new past. I would just prefer to not care about what you, and you, and you think. Keep anticipating the moment when enough is enough and you walk away. I don't want to hurt anymore.