Heh.

Have you ever been so filled with words that you actually have nothing to say? Or at least that's what you keep telling everyone because you know that nothing that you could utter would come close to describing everything you feel.

I'm extremely restless. I wish I could go on a vacation somewhere. Just for a day or two. I need a bit of a getaway. I don't care who the company is even. All I know is that going alone would be very bad for me, but I need to go somewhere.

I'm going to ramble off a to do list. Maybe it will help me give a bit of a purpose.

1. Get a freaking job
2. Move out
3. Tell my parents that I'm not going to make thousands of dollars and become a doctor. I want to get a masters in Theology and be a youth minister and make no money but do my very best to make a difference in teenagers' lives and work for the Church at the same time
4. Graduate in May
5. Pray more. That probably should be the first thing on my list.
6. Win the lottery in exactly 5 weeks (Hah. I'd do really good with it.)
7. Learn how to cook real food.

More long term things..

8. Get married
9. Get a puppy
10. Have a family
11. Go to Disney World
12. Go to Vatican City
13. Move out of Arizona
14. Learn how to be happy

There's a lot more. Silly things. Big things. But I don't know. This isn't working out the way I needed it to.

I seriously need a break from life.

Erin...

So this is overdue. I told you I would write a blog professing my undying love toward you, and rarely, if not ever, do I go back on my word. Things between us aren't great, to say the least. In a failure to communicate effectively I let my emotions get the best of me. I never meant to hurt you. Perhaps worst of all, I didn't even realize it until Jacob told me. Sorry doesn't seem to be enough. It isn't enough. I failed you as a friend, and I'm at lost to how to deal with it. If I could tell you exactly how I feel right now I would. But my emotions aren't what matters. I do, however, want to make one thing clear...

We became friends rather quickly. I don't usually feel comfortable with a person that soon. But from the beginning I found myself wanting to spend more time with you. The fact that you were younger than me strangely didn't bother me. I was just drawn to you. Your smile lights up the room and the sincerity in which you speak is comforting. I knew that I wanted to be your friend.

You've been there for me more than I could possibly deserve. The simple fact that you would ever take time out of your day to drive to my house and talk to me is unheard of. Yet you didn't do it once, but on more than one occasion. I wish I could adequately explain to you how much that means to me. The countless conversations you've had with me, the advice you've given me, the things you have shared with me are invaluable times that I will always cherish. Even though we don't see eye to eye in particular matters, your opinion is something I value very much.

Your friendship has made me a better person. By just being the beautiful person that you are, you have showed me more about myself than I could ever tell you. You've been an inspiration to continue to grow in my faith, and your support gives me strength.

There's a tattoo on my wrist that not only reminds me of the message it is meant for, but it reminds me of the person who generously paid to have it there. Regardless of everything, that moment will always be shared with you.

I'm comfortable telling you anything Erin. I trust you. And if you've learned anything from me in the time that we've been friends, I hope you know how I do not say that lightly.

I love you. I would gladly give my life for you. Where we go from here, I do not know. I'm not asking you for anything. Not forgiveness, not your friendship. I have no right to ask for either of those. All I want from you is for you to understand how deeply sorry I am that I hurt you. I didn't mean to. My hope is that one day we can smile together again.
But if not, thank you for everything. From the bottom of my heart. If you ever need something, you know how to reach me.

Nothing

I almost did it tonight. Gave up on everything. Probably if I knew of a for sure way I would have done it. If I owned a gun, perhaps. Overdosing on something makes me too nervous. I would be extremely upset if I failed three times on that one. I was thinking about jumping off the freeway overpass. Problem with that is I don't want to hurt anyone in the process. My purpose is to destroy my life, not harm another. As I hit 110 on the freeway I thought of crashing into a wall. But what if I survived and just ended up paralyzed or something? There's just too much chance.

Remember those five friends? I called each of them. With a blocked number. I just wanted to hear their voices one last time. I hate that I'm sitting here typing this. I hate that the only thing that is harmed are my hands from squeezing a tiny branch with thorns on it. I hate that I can still feel anything.

Two of my friends are mad at me. I did something wrong without meaning to. Yeah, I was frustrated. Yes, I was hurt and didn't understand. But I did not enter that house trying to cause someone pain. I was sarcastic, and I joked, but I did that to take my mind off how I was really feeling. I did that to make things lighter. Never to hurt you. But I can see that I screwed up. And I realize that I don't deserve forgiveness and I'm not looking for it. My friendship isn't worth it anyway. People are better off without me. That's why so many have left.

My boyfriend doesn't like who I am. That's why he yells at me the way he does. I'm a 5 year old that needs to grow up.

I don't want your pity. I don't even want anyone to read this. I just have to get the words out there. It's the only thing I can do to stop me from cutting. I made a promise to Chris. He said if I did anything he'd do something. I can't let that happen. But I want to do something so bad. I just want to cause myself pain. I want to end everything. I want it more than anything in the world. I'm sorry that I'm not a good friend. I'm sorry that you feel like you have to yell at me. I'm sorry for being who I am. I wish I could stop. I wish I could be someone else. I wish I didn't feel like this anymore. I'm so very sorry.

I'm not ashamed of my past. Every scar on my body to be perfectly honest I do not regret. The 67 pills I took in eight grade when I was 13 I don't regret. The 182 pills I took just three years later I'm not ashamed to admit. (Yes, I counted them)

The reason I don't regret these things are simple. It isn't because I enjoyed hurting myself. It isn't because I wish I had been successful. It isn't because I liked the attention. And it isn't because after all these years I don't see that my actions were wrong, and they caused people pain. No. I don't regret it because all that stuff, all that pain, all those tears, all that blood made me who I am. I'm not ashamed of who I am.

I've been thinking a lot. Not having a job gives me way too much free time. Some things never change, I don't have many friends. In fact, I can only count their names on one hand. Chris, Jamie, Erin, Jacob and Michael. I love them so very much. One I haven't seen for close to a year. Very close. Tomorrow will mark the day. But distance doesn't mean much when it comes to her. She's the only one that has never let me down. Do you know that Jamie? You're the only one in this entire world who has never broken my trust. I love you.

I don't know where I'm going with all of this. I could go in a variety of different directions. I could write for years and still not empty the heaviness I wish to alleviate from my shoulders.

This blog doesn't even scratch the surface.

October makes me depressed.

Right to Life

Mother Teresa once said that "it is a poverty to decide that a child must die so that you live as you wish". An image keeps creeping in my head this week, and thoughts continue to formulate. Earlier this week I had a dream that I was pregnant. It was strange, because I knew that I hadn't had sex but I was pregnant nevertheless. I didn't know how to explain the situation to anyone. I was afraid of what people would say, what they would think. I was terrified over the thought of telling Chris knowing that he would think I had cheated on him, in really, the worst way possible. But above all that fear I was in love. I was in complete and utter joy that safely inside my womb was a beautiful human child that I would one day get to hold and take care of.

Now, to set the record straight I do not want a child anytime soon. For one, I'm not even close to getting married considering my finger is oh so empty and will be for probably longer than I'll ever want. Two, I'm not ready to bring another life into this world emotionally or financially. I need to figure out my life first. But there is no doubt that if for some crazy reason I got pregnant right now I would keep the child.

Even before I truly accepted that being Catholic is what was not only right, but what I wanted, abortion has always been something I looked down upon. Even as a child with no background of faith, or moral upbringing on these issues my heart told me it was something that just wasn't right. As I began to understand things more fully, and researched various things my pro-life stance simply strengthened. My senior research paper was on abortion and my English teacher told me I should get it published. I didn't of course, I've never listened to any such advice when it comes to things like that, but the fact is the issue is important to me and I wrote with that emotion. My truck proudly has a window sticker with the words "Choose life" on it. I have a t-shirt that says "Pro-Life to the Max" that I'm not afraid to wear in any location. I've prayed my rosary on a busy street in front of the Planned Parenthood that is so unfortunately in front of my favorite restaurant. I give money to Virtue Media, I have a pin of a pair of tiny baby feet on my purse, and my prayer for abortion to end is one that never ceases. Now I'm not saying all of this to boost myself up. I'm not in anyway trying to say that I'm this good Catholic and you should be more like me. Not at all. I'm simply stating that abortion is murder. And I do not approve.

The image that has been creeping into my head was one that I saw last Saturday. That day was unbearably hot. Even to Arizona's standards, it doesn't get that hot in October. It reached 111 and I was driving home and I passed by the Planned Parenthood and saw at least a dozen individuals walking up and down the street with signs and rosaries in their hands. Tears immediately welled up in my eyes. It was just beautiful to see the love they were demonstrating. They were peacefully praying and standing up for those who do not have a voice in that awful weather. Sweat was dripping from their faces, but they didn't look the least bothered. They wanted to be there. They were soldiers armed and in battle for this war that continuously rages on. A war that will either be won, or will destroy the face of the earth and we shall be judged accordingly.

There is something else that needs to be said. Something that really, this blog is more so about. When it comes to the life of the unborn, to the elderly, to the poor, the week and even the able bodied I'm all for it. Every life is beautiful and a gift from God that no one has the right to take. But when it comes to my perception on my life, I'm at loss for words. I simply can't see myself the same way I see others. Every thing that is beautiful about you, is ugly about me. Every reason that each individual has to be loved and adored I simply lack. I can't give you reason that make actual sense, but I can't see it any other way. Some days are better than others, but no day is as good as it should be. I know that. Logically my thinking does not make sense. But my heart, the guide I use almost to a fault, tells me otherwise. I do not see worth in my life. The countless scars on my body and two suicide attempts confirm that. If given a free pass to heaven and a guarantee that those who are crazy enough to love me would be okay, even if I committed suicide, I would take it. Ever since I was seven years old I've woken up each day really not wanting to. I'm going to be 21 next month. That's 14 years of simply just not understanding why I'm still breathing. Of not wanting to breathe. I try so hard to give myself meaning. I try to listen to everyone's opinion, and accept others love but even through that I can't see why God wanted me here. I can't see how my life is worth anything.

Things have improved throughout the years. I'm not a complete nutcase, you know. I fight my desires to harm myself, I take compliments better than I used to. I'm trying. Really, I am. But it's hard. It's really, really hard. But here I am. Still waking up each and every day.

My question is, if I can't ever find my worth, can I ever really make a difference? And how pro-life can I really say that I am?

Oh, how He loves me...

I take my job as a core member seriously. Those teenagers are my life, and I love each and every one them. Being able to share my faith with them is incredible. I'm not someone they should look up to by any means, but through the grace of Christ I am called to lead them. I do my best, and I ask God for a lot of help. But tonight, it wasn't just about them. No. Tonight was about me and Jesus.

Even before He came out in the monstrance my emotions were flowing. As soon as I began singing I lost it. I was caught up in the the enormity of how much I needed Him. How much that I had been trying to do everything on my own and had neglected really asking for His help. And when Deacon Joe brought my Lord and Savior out, all my being cried out to Him. My heart ached and longed for His love. My tongue was filled with songs and praise for Him. I wanted to run up to the altar and tell Him how much I loved Him. How beautiful He was to me. How I needed Him and wanted Him to take over every area of my life and conform it to His will. As I prostrated myself in front of His glorious beauty I sobbed into the carpet of the church. I cried to my King and surrendered. Something inside of me jolted me up and before I knew it I was fumbling through my purse searching for my rosary. I found it and wrapped it tightly in my hand to the point where the beads were causing me pain. I cried harder thinking about how much pain I had caused Him throughout my life. How even if I was the only person in the world, He would have still died for me. And as I laid prostrated I was overcome with a familiar sensation. It was the same feeling I got over seven years ago that night in the park. That night when I yelled at a blackened sky, to a God I didn't know. I got the same warmth and love that poured down on me the moment I first knew I wasn't alone in this world. I was once again wrapped in His love. God was holding me, intimately. I was home.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit... I love you Lord

Music

I can't sing well at all. I've never learned how to play an instrument. I don't dance, nor do I really know how to. But music is a big part of my life. It's the best way I know how to worship, and it gets me through my toughest days. I just want to share some lyrics that I enjoy. Some of them are relevant to my life, some are just simply thought provoking. For me at least. You can try to figure out which are which.


I made a promise to myself
Locked it away deep down inside
Told my heart we'd wait it out
Swore we'd never compromise...
...Silence stared me in the face
And I finally heard its voice
It seemed to softly say
That in love you have a choice
Today i got the answer
And there's a world of truth behind it
Love is out there waiting somewhere
You just have to go and find it
-Dixie Chicks "I Believe in Love"

It may sound absurd...but don’t be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but won’t you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It’s not easy to be me
-Five For Fighting "Superman"

Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late. You found me, you found me
-The Fray "You Found Me"

I want to take you far from the cynics in this town
And kiss you on the mouth
We'll cut our bodies free from the tethers of this scene,
Start a brand new colony
Where everything will change,
We'll give ourselves new names (identities erased)
The sun will heat the grounds
Under our bare feet in this brand new colony
Everything will change
-The Postal Service "Brand New Colony"

My past won't stop haunting me
In this prison there's a fight between
Who I am and who I used to be
-Matt Maher "Empty and Beautiful"

Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
-Pink "Just like a Pill"

But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you
-Taylor Swift "The Way I Loved You"

And I remember that fight, two-thirty AM
You said everything was slipping right out of our hands
I ran out, crying, and you followed me out into the street
Braced myself for the goodbye, cause that's all I've ever known
Then, you took me by surprise
You said, "I'll never leave you alone."
-Taylor Swift "Mine"

More than life itself, no one else
This endless promise
They don't make love like that anymore
is that too much to be askin for
I wanna a love like Johnny and June
Rings of fire burnin' with you
I wanna walk the line, walk the line
till the end of time
I wanna love, love you that much
cash it all in, give it all up
and when your gone, I wanna go too
Like Johnny and June
-Hedi Newfield "Johnny and June"

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you stand, Then you stand
Life's like a novel
With the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon
With only one way down
Take what you're given before its gone
Start holding on, keep holding on
-Rascal Flatts "Stand"

I'm gonna pack my bags and never look back
Run a parallel line with the railroad tracks
And make my getaway
I'll put the pedal to the metal as the sun goes down
Leave everybody sleeping in this sleepy town tonight
And at the break of day I'll be a runaway
-Love and Theft "Runaway"

I run from pain
I run from prejudice
I run from pessimists
But I run too late
I run my life
Or is it running me
Run from my past
I run too fast
Or too slow it seems
When lies become the truth
That’s when I run to you
-Lady Antebellum "I Run to You"

Seems I was walking in the wrong direction
I barely recognized my own reflection, no
Scared of love, but scared of life alone
Seems I've been playin' on the safe side baby
Building walls around my heart to save me, oh
But it's time for me to let it go.
-Lady A "Ready to Love Again"

'Cuz love only comes,
once in awhile...
knocks on your door,
and throws you a smile...
takes every breath,
leaves every scar...
it speaks to your soul,
and sings to your heart...
-Lady A "If I Knew Then"

It's like I love this pain a little too much
Love my heart all busted up
Something 'bout her, we just don't work
But I can't walk away
It's like I love this pain
-Lady A "Love this Pain"

Better than I was
More than I am
And all of this happened
By takin' your hand
And who I am now
Is who I wanted to be
And now that we're together
I'm stronger than ever
I'm happy and free
-Tim McGraw and Faith Hill "It's Your Love"

Fumbling his confidence
And wond’ring why the world has passed him by
Hoping that he’s meant for more than arguments
And failed attempts to fly, fly
-Switchfoot "Meant to Live"

Past the point of no return,
no backward glances,
the games we've played till now are at an end
Past all thoughts of "if" or "when"
No use resisting: abandon thought and let the dream descend
What raging fire shall flood the soul?
What rich desire unlocks the door?
What sweet seduction lies before us?
-"Point of No Return" from the Phantom of the Opera Soundtrack

I thought if I could touch this place or feeling
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
-Miranda Lambert "The House that Built Me"


Okay, I should probably stop now. Hah.