Right to Life

Mother Teresa once said that "it is a poverty to decide that a child must die so that you live as you wish". An image keeps creeping in my head this week, and thoughts continue to formulate. Earlier this week I had a dream that I was pregnant. It was strange, because I knew that I hadn't had sex but I was pregnant nevertheless. I didn't know how to explain the situation to anyone. I was afraid of what people would say, what they would think. I was terrified over the thought of telling Chris knowing that he would think I had cheated on him, in really, the worst way possible. But above all that fear I was in love. I was in complete and utter joy that safely inside my womb was a beautiful human child that I would one day get to hold and take care of.

Now, to set the record straight I do not want a child anytime soon. For one, I'm not even close to getting married considering my finger is oh so empty and will be for probably longer than I'll ever want. Two, I'm not ready to bring another life into this world emotionally or financially. I need to figure out my life first. But there is no doubt that if for some crazy reason I got pregnant right now I would keep the child.

Even before I truly accepted that being Catholic is what was not only right, but what I wanted, abortion has always been something I looked down upon. Even as a child with no background of faith, or moral upbringing on these issues my heart told me it was something that just wasn't right. As I began to understand things more fully, and researched various things my pro-life stance simply strengthened. My senior research paper was on abortion and my English teacher told me I should get it published. I didn't of course, I've never listened to any such advice when it comes to things like that, but the fact is the issue is important to me and I wrote with that emotion. My truck proudly has a window sticker with the words "Choose life" on it. I have a t-shirt that says "Pro-Life to the Max" that I'm not afraid to wear in any location. I've prayed my rosary on a busy street in front of the Planned Parenthood that is so unfortunately in front of my favorite restaurant. I give money to Virtue Media, I have a pin of a pair of tiny baby feet on my purse, and my prayer for abortion to end is one that never ceases. Now I'm not saying all of this to boost myself up. I'm not in anyway trying to say that I'm this good Catholic and you should be more like me. Not at all. I'm simply stating that abortion is murder. And I do not approve.

The image that has been creeping into my head was one that I saw last Saturday. That day was unbearably hot. Even to Arizona's standards, it doesn't get that hot in October. It reached 111 and I was driving home and I passed by the Planned Parenthood and saw at least a dozen individuals walking up and down the street with signs and rosaries in their hands. Tears immediately welled up in my eyes. It was just beautiful to see the love they were demonstrating. They were peacefully praying and standing up for those who do not have a voice in that awful weather. Sweat was dripping from their faces, but they didn't look the least bothered. They wanted to be there. They were soldiers armed and in battle for this war that continuously rages on. A war that will either be won, or will destroy the face of the earth and we shall be judged accordingly.

There is something else that needs to be said. Something that really, this blog is more so about. When it comes to the life of the unborn, to the elderly, to the poor, the week and even the able bodied I'm all for it. Every life is beautiful and a gift from God that no one has the right to take. But when it comes to my perception on my life, I'm at loss for words. I simply can't see myself the same way I see others. Every thing that is beautiful about you, is ugly about me. Every reason that each individual has to be loved and adored I simply lack. I can't give you reason that make actual sense, but I can't see it any other way. Some days are better than others, but no day is as good as it should be. I know that. Logically my thinking does not make sense. But my heart, the guide I use almost to a fault, tells me otherwise. I do not see worth in my life. The countless scars on my body and two suicide attempts confirm that. If given a free pass to heaven and a guarantee that those who are crazy enough to love me would be okay, even if I committed suicide, I would take it. Ever since I was seven years old I've woken up each day really not wanting to. I'm going to be 21 next month. That's 14 years of simply just not understanding why I'm still breathing. Of not wanting to breathe. I try so hard to give myself meaning. I try to listen to everyone's opinion, and accept others love but even through that I can't see why God wanted me here. I can't see how my life is worth anything.

Things have improved throughout the years. I'm not a complete nutcase, you know. I fight my desires to harm myself, I take compliments better than I used to. I'm trying. Really, I am. But it's hard. It's really, really hard. But here I am. Still waking up each and every day.

My question is, if I can't ever find my worth, can I ever really make a difference? And how pro-life can I really say that I am?