I'm not ashamed of my past. Every scar on my body to be perfectly honest I do not regret. The 67 pills I took in eight grade when I was 13 I don't regret. The 182 pills I took just three years later I'm not ashamed to admit. (Yes, I counted them)

The reason I don't regret these things are simple. It isn't because I enjoyed hurting myself. It isn't because I wish I had been successful. It isn't because I liked the attention. And it isn't because after all these years I don't see that my actions were wrong, and they caused people pain. No. I don't regret it because all that stuff, all that pain, all those tears, all that blood made me who I am. I'm not ashamed of who I am.

I've been thinking a lot. Not having a job gives me way too much free time. Some things never change, I don't have many friends. In fact, I can only count their names on one hand. Chris, Jamie, Erin, Jacob and Michael. I love them so very much. One I haven't seen for close to a year. Very close. Tomorrow will mark the day. But distance doesn't mean much when it comes to her. She's the only one that has never let me down. Do you know that Jamie? You're the only one in this entire world who has never broken my trust. I love you.

I don't know where I'm going with all of this. I could go in a variety of different directions. I could write for years and still not empty the heaviness I wish to alleviate from my shoulders.

This blog doesn't even scratch the surface.

October makes me depressed.