Nothing

I almost did it tonight. Gave up on everything. Probably if I knew of a for sure way I would have done it. If I owned a gun, perhaps. Overdosing on something makes me too nervous. I would be extremely upset if I failed three times on that one. I was thinking about jumping off the freeway overpass. Problem with that is I don't want to hurt anyone in the process. My purpose is to destroy my life, not harm another. As I hit 110 on the freeway I thought of crashing into a wall. But what if I survived and just ended up paralyzed or something? There's just too much chance.

Remember those five friends? I called each of them. With a blocked number. I just wanted to hear their voices one last time. I hate that I'm sitting here typing this. I hate that the only thing that is harmed are my hands from squeezing a tiny branch with thorns on it. I hate that I can still feel anything.

Two of my friends are mad at me. I did something wrong without meaning to. Yeah, I was frustrated. Yes, I was hurt and didn't understand. But I did not enter that house trying to cause someone pain. I was sarcastic, and I joked, but I did that to take my mind off how I was really feeling. I did that to make things lighter. Never to hurt you. But I can see that I screwed up. And I realize that I don't deserve forgiveness and I'm not looking for it. My friendship isn't worth it anyway. People are better off without me. That's why so many have left.

My boyfriend doesn't like who I am. That's why he yells at me the way he does. I'm a 5 year old that needs to grow up.

I don't want your pity. I don't even want anyone to read this. I just have to get the words out there. It's the only thing I can do to stop me from cutting. I made a promise to Chris. He said if I did anything he'd do something. I can't let that happen. But I want to do something so bad. I just want to cause myself pain. I want to end everything. I want it more than anything in the world. I'm sorry that I'm not a good friend. I'm sorry that you feel like you have to yell at me. I'm sorry for being who I am. I wish I could stop. I wish I could be someone else. I wish I didn't feel like this anymore. I'm so very sorry.