No Clear Description

I have this pent up anxiety in me that I rarely express. Anxiety and frustration. I vocalize, mostly on here, my depression, my pain, my insecurities and so forth but there is this element inside that I'm trying to avoid. A person can only feel a certain amount of emotions before they completely just fall apart. I've had moments of falling apart. Moments. But it hasn't happened completely. I feel a storm coming on.

There are an infinite amount of words in my head. Descriptions of emotions, and detailed expressions of daily life. There are a variety of different subjects that throughout the day I wish to discuss. I need someone to sit with me and have an intelligent discussion. Then when we're done let's dive into conversations about random stupidity. Perhaps I need two people. One for the former and the other the latter.

I have certain fears that I've yet to talk about with anyone. I doubt I ever will. I suppose we all have our secrets.

Are my blogs and paragraphs within my blogs as scattered as my thoughts? I feel like I'm not making sense. Speaking in code almost with the expectation that people should understand but the knowledge that they won't.

I had the strangest dream last night. It involved King Kong, the Twilight cast and Erin and Chris. It was pretty intense and crazy and I woke up with my heart pounding and feeling scared. I'm so tired all the time because I'm not getting very good sleep. This has nothing to do with the dream though. Or maybe it does.

I think I'm losing myself and I'm in need of saving. But I don't want to be saved at the same time.

Because we severely reduced sizes when we lost our old house I was never unable to unpack more than half my things. I had a room full of stuff and I came here and got shoved into a corner. I'm moving soon and so I needed to go through the boxes and see what I still wanted to keep. I probably should have picked a weekend when my emotional supports were in town. I need Erin and Chris right now. I need reassurance, and love. This is how pathetic I am.

Pictures, notes, cards. Some of them made me smile. Actually really only the ones of Jamie. I found letters from 2005, pictures when she was only 16. I can't explain to you how much it means to me that after all these years she still loves me. I need to go see her. Some other random things were from my friends in junior high. If you want to call them that. They were extremely nice to me and the notes and letters were sweet. Too bad they stopped talking to me once I decided not to be Mormon. Oh well though. I found pictures of old boyfriends, poems one had written me. Silly little things that pulled on my heartstrings just barely enough to make me feel. No big deal there. I found school things and a journal I had to keep for my English class. So many nice comments Mr. Tolbert wrote me. But then I found a box that made me shake. How can one person damage me so much? But this time it's different because I'm projecting my fear and insecurities on what I may lose instead of dwelling necessarily on what I did lose. Right now I can't think. I feel sick and I want to cry. I'm doing my best to dump whatever I can onto this but I don't have time to organize my thoughts. So I apologize if this is hard to read. I have to get ready for work soon. Actually right now. I just looked at the clock and the time says 10:18. Really? That isn't funny. Couldn't I have looked at it a minute before or a minute after? I need to go to work..

I have deep rooted issues that I seriously need help on.

Jamie Ann Welch Jaro, I love you so very much.

I want a toaster

I can't really contain how excited I am for March 26th. Thinking about it makes me insanely happy. Honestly, I'm proud of myself. I had help, but the thing is I accepted that help. That's huge for me. But really, in general, I did this on my own. I told my best friend that by March, even if it was on the last day, I'd be out of my house. Mission accomplished.

I can't wait to pack my things. To take that first step into that apartment and know that it's mine. That I can make myself a little home where I can feel at peace. I want to decorate and go grocery shopping. I want appliances and furniture. I don't care if it's new or used. I want to hang pictures up. I want to wash my own clothes and dishes. I want to sleep in my own bed in my own room. I want to decorate the bathroom. I want to listen to music in my room and not care who is listening. I want to organize my things and not worry about someone messing it up or taking anything. I want to be able to breathe. I want to be able to want to come home.

31 days. Not that I'm counting or anything.

26th of March.

I woke up at 530 this morning and when I opened my eyes I saw my best friend just sleeping and I smiled. I always sleep better when I'm at her house. It's a combination of things for that really. One, her bed is extremely comfortable. Two, I have a tiny bit more room compared to the corner I get shoved into at home. And three, Erin makes me feel safe and loved. I don't get that at home one bit. As I turned away from her trying to get back to sleep my thoughts went to a subject that has heavily been on my mind. I began getting anxious thinking about what today was. Monday, the day I would get my answer. Approved or not approved. I was scared out of my mind because I need this so badly. This is so much more than a want, or a desire. This is a necessity. I prayed and drifted in and out of sleep for a few more hours. About 10 minutes before 830 I sat up and found the prayer on my phone that I've been saying daily. I prayed it over and over again as I waited for Erin to get up.

I went to work and like usual, I was early so I just sat in the break room waiting to clock in. Five minutes before my shift started my phone rang. I saw the number and my heart fell into my stomach. I was too scared to answer so I let it go to voicemail. After a minute I listened to my voicemail and the fear got worse as it only told me to call them back because they had a question. Frantic I called back and they asked me something so simple. "Are you a full time or part time student?". After I gave my answer they said to bring my schedule verifying that and congratulations because I'm approved. I nearly died right there. All throughout work I couldn't stop grinning. I've never felt so much relief and excitement as I do right now. I'm approved for an apartment. On March 26th I will move into my own place. Scratch that. Our own place. Because it's my best friend's place too and that just makes everything else so much sweeter.

God is amazingly good.

My Calling

Nearly a year ago I went on the Diocesan retreat and I did a talk in front of 500 teenagers. I was nervous and perhaps even a bit unprepared but I went up there anyway. It was far easier than I could have ever imagined. After the session many people came up to me and thanked me for what I had to say. Three different individuals told me I had a gift. One of those individuals was the coordinator of the entire program. I was touched and honored by it all but like most compliments I just smiled, thanked them and under my breath belittled anything I did. But let's be honest, this was the beginning of something. The first sparks to my heart catching fire.

Running a small group is easier than breathing for me. Sharing my faith is as natural as my heart beats. Loving every single teen I encounter the second I see their face is an outpouring from the Spirit. My greatest joy is nothing else than serving the Lord by serving them. The thing is, I make a difference. I don't know how but my teens come up to me and thank me for being there. More than once I've hugged a teen while they cry to me and thank me for loving them. They go to events because I'll be there. Today I was followed by a group of them everywhere I went because they just wanted to be near me and talk. I have a poster in my room that I hung up because the words on there I could never throw away. Words that my teens gave me. Affirmations that don't speak about my qualities necessarily, but speak more of the way God has graced me and made me an instrument to His plan. Because all glory goes to Him. How am I able to lead when I'm so weak? How am I able to speak confidently when as a child I was ridiculed because of a speech impediment? How am I able to believe when I was raised not knowing who God was? The answer is simply that I'm blessed. Blessed abundantly with the mercy of my Lord and the call He has given me. God set me apart and gave me this gift. This calling. I have heard Him calling me by name.

Every moment I spend at St. Anne's with the teens is a confirmation that youth ministry is where I belong. It's where my heart is and where God has gently pushed me into. There is a peace that cannot be matched that I receive when I'm around them. Even amidst the stresses of the job and the at times difficulties, I'm overwhelmed with joy.

This next coming weekend my heart breaks that I will miss a retreat that they will be going on. I haven't missed a single one. But Marisa needs me more right now and I know that God has a plan. He is sending those who need to be there. But even this ache is a confirmation. I'm incredibly amazed that a person like me could ever be called to lead teens closer to Christ. Worthy I am not. But here I am Lord, and my answer is yes.

Need.

I hate this feeling of having so much to say. Generally I enjoy keeping things to myself. I tend to like privacy and my paranoia about bothering others with my nonsense is something that for most of my life has kept me quiet. And if this is God's way of getting me to talk more, couldn't He have gone a different route? I mean come on, throw me a bone once in a while Lord. Alas though, I know with all my heart that You see everything while I only see so little. Still it's hard. It's difficult crying every day. It's hard having moments in class when you feel like you're being suffocated and all you want to do is run out of the room and cry for help. It's so hard for me needing so much help and having to ask for it. It's difficult needing someone nearly 24/7 to sit with me and hold my hand. Give me a hug. Tell me something that makes me feel like I matter. It's pathetic and oh so needy. I am fully aware of how pathetic I am. Painfully aware. I am however aware of how big this need is. Of how pivotal it is that I have support right now. I won't make it out alive with all of this without it.

I finished my test ridiculously early today. That either means I failed or I aced it. There really isn't an in-between. I'm hoping for an A. After the test I had over an hour to do nothing but just wait for my class to start, so I found a tree and just sat in the grass underneath it and listened to music. For about 20 minutes I have no idea what was playing on my ipod. I tried putting the music louder but my thoughts were far too loud. I finally gave up and put my head in my lap and let a few tears go. After a few minutes I put my music up again and was able to somewhat focus on the lyrical content. It's very frustrating not having a real way to escape. This is all too much.

Does anyone need me? Or can I go away for a really long time? Honestly people.

10 Days

So my friends, it's been 10 days. I didn't plan this specific number of days. I debated blogging earlier but although I have so much to say I'm not sure what to say. Ten is my favorite number though so I thought that maybe today would be a good day. That's as far as my logic in this goes though.

So update? So much has happened and been felt in ten days that there's no way I could really give an appropriate update. I suppose if you're interested in specific details those of you who have my number may text me. Or simply reply on here. I honestly want to talk. I need to talk. About everything and nothing in particular. Shutting a bit down and pushing people away was what I needed. But now I need support. Not that I didn't have it before, but I need a physical presence. A tangible one. I need to feel like I'm not alone. Though I'm not sure that's possible at the moment.

A few things:

• I have the most amazing best friend in the world.
  
• I have a job that's super easy. Too easy. But I'm so thankful for it.
• I'm going to move out very soon.
  
• I'm not being fair to the man I'm with but he's being really amazing right now and completely patient.
  
• I love Jesus, yes I do. I love Jesus, how about you?
• My mom is a bitch and I think I hate her. But I love her so much too.
  
• The entire world takes me for granted. That much I'm sure.
  
• One day, I'll be okay.
  

Next Chapter

Kudos to you if you know what song is in my head based on the title. Though I'm betting only one person will know. Anyway...

My life in just a few days has gotten more real than it ever has been. If that is somehow possible. In all honesty I'm struggling so hard to regain some kind of footing. When I talked to Jamie the other day she put it perfectly. It really is as though my whole life I've been placed underneath water and each time I get to the surface I get pushed right back down. It's never ending. Right now I'm completely under water. I'm about to come up though. I can feel it. My life depends on it.

I want to say so much more but I'm building walls. I'm shutting the world out. Right now I can only handle a select few in my life. I can only talk to a few people. I don't want to answer questions, discuss details or even hear words of comfort. I just want to clear my head and get things done.

So allow me to momentarily disappear. For now, the words I need to say will be spoken, or written in private.

I Can't.

I have so much to say right now. So many words and emotions that I need to express. To let go of. But I can't. Because I need to be stronger than I have ever been. I need to get things done and do the right thing.

But I can't. I can't be strong. I'm not strong. I'm in pieces.

I can't do any of this.

But I have to. I can't. Oh my gosh. I can't.

Monkey in the Middle

I can honestly say that I have never been in this situation. My heart has never been completely split down in half. I walked off campus today fighting back tears more than I have ever had before. When I was safe in my truck I let everything go and I cried like a baby all the way home. I cried so much I felt sick. But this sort of pain and torment was so much worse than what I've ever felt. Because you see, I don't give a damn about myself. My personal problems cloud my mind and state of being but I can handle that. But this? How can I handle this? So much more of my concern is for everyone else. They matter, I don't. Yet here I am, stuck directly in the middle between two people I love. Love with my entire heart. And what's worse is that one pours their heart out to me and the other I have to pull teeth to get them to talk. One allows me to somewhat help while the other barely acknowledges that I'm an open service 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Yet they both need me. Or maybe I'm being prideful. Maybe only one of them needs me and the other rather go to someone else. Regardless though, I'm here. For both of them completely equally. I see everything. I see each perspective. I see each situation. I see the fairness and the plain wrong for both sides. I can see what they both ultimately need individually. But what can I do with all of that? How can I help both of them? How could I even just help one of them? My heart aches for both of them.

There are no answers here. None at all. I also know that there is so very little I can do. I can pray, yes. I pray so much. But instant help I'm incapable of. I hate that so much. I just want them to know that I love them. That I'm always always here. I'll stay up all night with either of you. I'll blow all my money and take either of you far away. I'll pick either of you up in the middle of the night and just drive until you tell me to stop or I run out of gas. I'll take you out and distract you. I'll hold you while you cry. I'll pour my heart to you and describe every little reason why you're wonderful. I'll just simply keep you company. I'll do whatever you need. Really. But I hate this. I hate being in the middle. I hate not being able to help. I hate feeling absolutely useless. I hate all of this.

I'm not on anyone's side. I swear I'm not. And please no one make me choose. I already know my choice, but I don't want to use it. I just want to help. Both of you.