Monkey in the Middle

I can honestly say that I have never been in this situation. My heart has never been completely split down in half. I walked off campus today fighting back tears more than I have ever had before. When I was safe in my truck I let everything go and I cried like a baby all the way home. I cried so much I felt sick. But this sort of pain and torment was so much worse than what I've ever felt. Because you see, I don't give a damn about myself. My personal problems cloud my mind and state of being but I can handle that. But this? How can I handle this? So much more of my concern is for everyone else. They matter, I don't. Yet here I am, stuck directly in the middle between two people I love. Love with my entire heart. And what's worse is that one pours their heart out to me and the other I have to pull teeth to get them to talk. One allows me to somewhat help while the other barely acknowledges that I'm an open service 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Yet they both need me. Or maybe I'm being prideful. Maybe only one of them needs me and the other rather go to someone else. Regardless though, I'm here. For both of them completely equally. I see everything. I see each perspective. I see each situation. I see the fairness and the plain wrong for both sides. I can see what they both ultimately need individually. But what can I do with all of that? How can I help both of them? How could I even just help one of them? My heart aches for both of them.

There are no answers here. None at all. I also know that there is so very little I can do. I can pray, yes. I pray so much. But instant help I'm incapable of. I hate that so much. I just want them to know that I love them. That I'm always always here. I'll stay up all night with either of you. I'll blow all my money and take either of you far away. I'll pick either of you up in the middle of the night and just drive until you tell me to stop or I run out of gas. I'll take you out and distract you. I'll hold you while you cry. I'll pour my heart to you and describe every little reason why you're wonderful. I'll just simply keep you company. I'll do whatever you need. Really. But I hate this. I hate being in the middle. I hate not being able to help. I hate feeling absolutely useless. I hate all of this.

I'm not on anyone's side. I swear I'm not. And please no one make me choose. I already know my choice, but I don't want to use it. I just want to help. Both of you.