Need.

I hate this feeling of having so much to say. Generally I enjoy keeping things to myself. I tend to like privacy and my paranoia about bothering others with my nonsense is something that for most of my life has kept me quiet. And if this is God's way of getting me to talk more, couldn't He have gone a different route? I mean come on, throw me a bone once in a while Lord. Alas though, I know with all my heart that You see everything while I only see so little. Still it's hard. It's difficult crying every day. It's hard having moments in class when you feel like you're being suffocated and all you want to do is run out of the room and cry for help. It's so hard for me needing so much help and having to ask for it. It's difficult needing someone nearly 24/7 to sit with me and hold my hand. Give me a hug. Tell me something that makes me feel like I matter. It's pathetic and oh so needy. I am fully aware of how pathetic I am. Painfully aware. I am however aware of how big this need is. Of how pivotal it is that I have support right now. I won't make it out alive with all of this without it.

I finished my test ridiculously early today. That either means I failed or I aced it. There really isn't an in-between. I'm hoping for an A. After the test I had over an hour to do nothing but just wait for my class to start, so I found a tree and just sat in the grass underneath it and listened to music. For about 20 minutes I have no idea what was playing on my ipod. I tried putting the music louder but my thoughts were far too loud. I finally gave up and put my head in my lap and let a few tears go. After a few minutes I put my music up again and was able to somewhat focus on the lyrical content. It's very frustrating not having a real way to escape. This is all too much.

Does anyone need me? Or can I go away for a really long time? Honestly people.