Under Construction

I tossed and turned last night, wishing the ache that had wrapped its entire force around my heart would not only release me, but would also loosen its grip on the rest of my body as well. Tears kept escaping my eyes though at that point I wasn't quite sure where they were coming from. They felt hot as they slid down my face and were caught by my pillow and part of me was slightly grateful for its warmth. The chilling fact of my solitude penetrated me deeply. I needed something to grab onto and hold, but the stuffed animals on my bed only reminded me of everything I didn't have so I shoved them all away. I just curled myself into a ball and begged for sleep.

I cannot ever control where my thoughts go. Just my actions. My actions last night were much harder to control than most nights. Between every pill in this house and the alcohol, it would have been easy. I would not fail. I began writing goodbye letters in my head. Some of them were angry. Spiteful. Characteristics that I'm not. I was allowing my wounded heart to take over. At one point I almost got up and went for it. I knew if I acted quickly I would do it. And it would be over. I wouldn't be here writing this with tears still streaming down my face and my heart breaking still into countless more pieces. No one would find me until what, past three? When I didn't show up for work? When I didn't answer a text? Or come out of my locked room? But then what?

This, of course, isn't all about a boy. Though he has a very big part in it. This is about how hard it is to live and function through the pain and confusion with this life-eating monstrosity inside my head. This is about putting everyone first when I'm constantly put last for everyone else. This is about being too much for you. This is about being strong, and putting on a show for the world and having to do it even for those that I shouldn't have to. This is about being unappreciated, used, mistreated, and never really understood. This is about not being worth it and having every relationship I have being based on conditions.

But you know what? Unlike everyone else in the world, I stick to my word. I keep promises. I don't just throw words around. There isn't a scratch on me. So the tumor will just take me. Or just life in general. As for me? I'm under construction. I'm building new walls.