Dead Heart

My mom took me to mass at St. Mary Magdalene's today. There's two things wrong with that sentence. The car ride over there was interesting in itself. My mom was trying to pry details out of me that I did not want to give her. I kept yelling at myself for not hiding certain things. My mom seemed very amused by the whole situation. I was not. My life makes my head spin. When we arrived at the church I was calm. I liked the feeling of being invisible. I liked that no one knew me and I felt like I didn't need to hide. But at the same time I longed for some sort of familiarity. It was like my heart was being tugged in two different directions. I found my mom and I a seat and I sat down and tried to take in my surroundings. I was filled with unimaginable emptiness. Week two. A video played before mass and I thought to myself, "If this becomes my parish, maybe I'll get involved with that". Mass started and I sang the opening song with as much devotion as I could manage at that moment. Last week I couldn't utter a word. This week I sang. I used my perfectly out of tune voice and lifted it up to God. I focused on every word. But nothing. I couldn't feel anything.

You have to understand how Catholic I am. How attentive I am at every mass. How it brings me to tears and sets my heart on fire. The truth is that during mass Heaven meets Earth. Being Catholic and understanding and believing what I do is my greatest gift. So for me to know these truths and experience what I'm experiencing does not make sense. I'm fighting to feel Him. But He isn't there. I'm just empty.

During communion I sat in my chair and I was singing with my whole heart. I wanted Heaven to hear me. I was pleading. My prayer was broken up when I heard someone sniffle and I looked up and noticed my mom was crying. I looked at her and I touched her hand and asked her what was wrong but she just shook her head. I wondered if she felt something.

When mass ended and I was sitting in my mom's car with the bulletin in my hand I couldn't help but look through it. I was looking for only something in particular. Youth Group. I wonder if they would want me.


Tonight as I sat eating dinner by myself I had a thought. I was taken back ironically to the first time I had attempted suicide and I was in the behavioral health center. I was 13 and they had just asked me where I saw myself in 10 years. I remember being hesitant in my response. Even though I knew what I wanted. I think I honestly always deep down know what I ultimately want. The lady leading the session interpreted my scattered response for me and my hesitation and said the following, more or less. I have a good memory. "You're alone in an apartment. Maybe a studio or something small. And somehow some way you've managed to make it. But you just don't give yourself credit, do you? But you long for this sort of freedom where you can express yourself in ways that you aren't even sure of yet. You want to do great things. I imagine, actually, you want to save the world. What are you afraid of Stephanie? You want to get out, so get out. Don't allow people to limit your potential. You've been here less than two hours and you've already made a difference. I'm not sure you have even the slightest clue who you are and who you're capable of being."
I'm not quite 23 and my life is not where I expected it to be. At all. In any way. But I do have this apartment. And I'm almost always alone. I have a degree. And I do think I can save the world. I just need my heart to start beating again. Because I know exactly what I'm supposed to do with my life but I can't do it if my heart feels empty when I walk into a church.

There's a Song for This

”I want to build my life around a country song”

I am so way in over my head. It's beyond me how I can be filled with so many thoughts and emotions. Can't anything in my life be simple? ”All I wanted was a white knight with a good heart, soft touch, fast horse. Ride me off into the sunset and baby I'm forever yours”. I mean really. But instead I'm left singing ” its so complicated, so frustrated. I want to hold you close, I want to push you away, I want to make you go, I want to make you stay.” But honestly ”I've been walking in the wrong direction, I can barely recognize my own refection, oh, scared of love but scared of life alone”.

I love how you make me feel but I hate it at the same time.

Do you remember when what you and I had was....perfect? What happened? Is it my fault? Is it because I got sick? Did life get in the way and this a part of growing up, of growing apart? Is this God's reminder of nothing lasts forever? Is it this place and this decision? What? I can't change anything and I can't go back. But I just don't want to lose you.

Off The Deep End

I think I lost my mind. What part did they remove? Really. Yet I can't help but just grin right now. Oh wow.

                                                                                                                               I want to talk to you so badly about all of this

What exactly changed in the past few weeks? Because I'm sure I really was angry at some point. I'm sure I really just wanted a never. Actually, I'm pretty sure just last week I wanted nothing. Maybe. But then I think I'm just desperate to lie to myself. I'm desperate to convince myself that nothing I feel is real because that's easier. I'm so scared. Completely terrified. Why can't I just run away? Or hide? I have no idea what I'm doing. And I feel like I can't even talk to anyone about what I'm feeling. When I blurted to Katrina I was nauseous. But I was relieved too. Even if I didn't even actually say the words. I said the possibility.

I'm moving too fast. But I don't want to slow down. But I'm so scared. Rational Steph, rational. Where is this all coming from?

I want to talk to you. But I know what you'll say. I don't want to hear what you'll say. But I want to talk to you.

Is it so wrong that I just want to be happy? I slip into these moments of bliss and I want to stay there. Forever. Oh I think I hate that word.

And you. Why can't you leave me alone? I gave you everything.

I can't please everyone. I wish I could. But I can't.

My life is insane.

...with these things there's no telling, we just have to wait and see...

It's hard to eat when you're holding back tears. Thea came and picked me up for lunch today. It was wonderful to get out of the apartment. Even if it was unbearably hot outside. It was nice to be around people. To sit in a restaurant and be normal. I didn't say half the things I wanted to. Which was okay. I never really do. But I just can't stress how much it means to me to have people be around me that want to listen to me. I just need to talk. I just need to cry. I really think it all boils down to that. I don't think I'm asking for very much. But maybe I'm asking for the world. This soul crushing loneliness that consumes my very being. Oh my gosh. What do people see when they look at me? Can they see how broken I am?

I need so much comfort. I don't understand where it stopped.

What am I supposed to do?

Words I'll Never Say

I love when Jamie calls me. I love talking to her. I think right now she's the only one that talks to me. The only one that listens to me. I wish I could see her. I wish I could put my head in her lap and have her stroke my hair. Something tells me she wouldn't tell me to move it until I was ready. She never rushes me. I miss her so much. It's weird thinking we've been friends for almost nine years now. I was just a kid. So much time has passed. Yet it happened so fast. Thank you Jamie for never leaving. For never hesitating in stretching out your hand. I miss you.

I'm at odds with a lot of things. My heart is weighed down. To pinpoint my exact rationality would be difficult. Perhaps because there is no rationality to it all.

I want a passport.
I want to go to Haiti.
I want to learn how to ride a motorcycle.
I want a car.
I want to fall in love.
I want to go on an adventure.
I want a job.
I want to go to grad school.
I want to go to counseling.
I want to run.
I want to workout.
I want to go out.
I want to be someone people want to be around.
I want to go out of town.
I want to be missed.
I want to start over.

Golden Ticket

I'm staring at a note that states the following "Stephanie can work with no restrictions". It's signed by my neurologist. Honestly, I'm even taken aback by the "no restriction" clause. But instead of causing me some insurmountable joy it gives me some strange pit in my stomach. I'm not sure why everything in my life makes me want to cry like a baby and be cradled in someone's arms. I'm just a few months shy of 22 years old. Just yesterday I was crying to my ex boyfriend and I made the comment that instead of progressing with age I'm regressing. I stopped growing up and I'm falling backwards. I don't know how to be strong anymore. He told me I didn't have to be. That it was okay. I was strong for too long. But honestly, without strength, what do I have left? I spend so much time alone these days just thinking and slipping into crying frenzies. I hate how I feel. I hate this emptiness. I hate how lonely I am. I hate how badly I just want to be held and reassured. All of this is weakness. It's pathetic.

This note scares me. I'm scared of it getting rejected. I'm scared of it being questioned. I'm scared of me not living up to what it states. But maybe there's even more to that. I'm too hurt to go back. I just want to walk away from everything. Because I feel like I have nothing. I feel like I am nothing. And I don't know how to handle anything. I feel isolated. I feel burned.

IWYWHCOSSAMPB.

Would You?

If I asked you to drop everything you were doing and just sit with me for a while, would you? If I asked you to hold me and not let go for five minutes without making a sound, would you? If I asked you to take me in your car and drive with me to no particular destination for an hour or two just listening to music and singing horribly out of tune, would you? If I asked you to sit and just listen to me talk for a few minutes about whatever I wanted without interrupting, would you? If I asked you to talk to me about anything in the world so to distract me from the pain I was feeling in my heart, would you? If I asked you to tell me that you loved me and would never go away, would you? Or would you tell me that you were too busy and I should call someone else? Would it be too awkward for you and the silence be uncomfortable? Would you be too worried about gas and the time wasted? Would you get tired of listening to me talk and complain and just wish you were somewhere else? Would you find it hard to think of something to say to me? Would you get frustrated that I needed to be reminded again and just rush through it?

I don't want to ask anything from anyone. I already feel like I've emptied everyone's tank. But I'm just sitting here with too much time on my hands and too many thoughts in my head just wondering what everyone's answers would be.

Just A Little Understanding

I would give anything in the world for just a little understanding. For some compassionate love instead of angered frustration. I would give anything for someone to look at it from my point of view. And in order to do that you cannot just simply look at events that occurred within the past week and so-called miracles but you have to look at every damn single thing that has made me, me. You say you get it but if you did would we be having this conversation? How is it that I'm always wrong?

If anyone felt what I did they wouldn't last a minute. I'd bet the world and everyone's life in it.

I'm supposed to be thankful that I'm alive. I'm supposed to be patient. Because I'm not I'm labeled as selfish and ungrateful. I'm labeled as so many things. Because I'm not understood.

If things don't go my way I throw a fit. Yeah. Sounds exactly like me.

Obviously if there is a God, there is a Devil. And he's using everyone I love against me. And it's working. Because sure I'm breathing. I have a pulse. But I'm not alive.

Just Venting

Don't take any of this seriously if it alarms you. Actually, don't even read it.

My hands are shaking. All I can do is cry. I'm so tired of everything. I can't do this anymore. It was supposed to be better but everything is worse. Except for the dull ache the physical manifestation of pain is gone but I don't even care. My body is racked with emotional torment. My mind is haunted with too many things. I'm flooded with more than ever. I'm fine and then I'm not. I think I need to be institutionalized. Bars on my windows bars on my windows. Am I not already imprisoned? No work, no play. No work, no play. No one wants to be around me anyway. Visiting hours would be the same amount of time I would see anyone. My joy has been ripped out of my life. I've been punished. Maybe I did die. Is this hell? Am I in purgatory? Am I suffering for every wrong I committed? How could you take them away? I can't even go to the meetings? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. But I don't know what to do.

I want to reach into my bathroom and slit my throat. I think I have a box opener somewhere that would do the job. I just want my teens back.

why am I alone?!? why am I always alone? why can't I function anymore? what the hell is wrong with me? what happened to my independence? what happened to my toughness? How is this resilient Jamie?

I want to just leave. I want to start somewhere else because I look behind me and all I see is brokenness and I look in front of me and I just see a brick wall. I have two choices. Kill myself or runaway.

I've ruined lives. I've ruined mine. I'm a plague. Yet despite everything my love for everyone is so genuine. I know that because of how I feel. I honestly honestly love everyone so very much. None of it is faked. I would go to ends of the earth for anyone. But none of it matters. In the end, people are better off without me. I wish I was never born.

Why have I fought so hard to live to feel this way? It's cruel.

And I have no one.

Agnus Dei, qui tollis peccáta mundi. Miserére nobis.

The year two thousand and eleven has been the worst year of my life by far. How I'm still breathing, still functioning, still anything is a miracle. Nothing less.

I sat in a wheelchair in the middle of the hall as my teens played a game of human foosball. As I watched them run and shout my heart swelled up in my chest and tears filled my eyes. Moments like those make me realize the reason for my existence. I know no greater love. I want to do great things. I want to be His hands and His mouth. I want to serve, and serve, and serve, and serve. Oh merciful Jesus how unworthy am I. But this is all I want. I want my life to be dedicated to Him.

During worship we sang a song. We've sung the song before and it always gets me. It always makes me feel like it was written for me. My heart pleads out with it.

He's not mad at you
He's not disappointed
His grace is greater still,
than all of your wrong choices
He is full of mercy and he is ever kind
Hear his invitation, His arms are open wide

You can come as you are,
with all your broken pieces
And all your shameful scars
The pain you hold in your heart,
bring it all to Jesus
You can come as you are

Louder than the voice that whispers you're unworthy
Hear the sound of love,
that tells a different story
Shattering your darkness and pushing through the lies
How tenderly he calls you,
His arms are open wide

You can come as you are,
with all your broken pieces
And all your shameful scars
The pain you hold in your heart,
bring it all to Jesus
You can come as you are

You can come as you are

You can come as you are with all your broken pieces
And all your shameful scars
The pain you hold in your heart,
bring it all to Jesus
You can come as you are

I can't even form the words my heart is feeling. Despite every human emotion and condition I feel and baggage I carry, at my core my main focus is Him. I just want to love until I die of Love. I want to be holy. I want to be His.

Lessons in Patience

I'm lying on my couch with the deepest desire in the whole world to express. My heart is screaming. I want to write everything I feel. Every single emotion that is tugging at my heart and strangling my soul. I want to be cradled and alowed to completely unwind without any restraint. I want to celebrate. I want to throw a fit. I'm completely unstable. But I'm so very alive. The events this past week are indescribable. Unbelievable. Brain dead. Hah. I have this memory. But I'm not sure if it's real. Or just some sort of exaggeration my repairing brain is attempting to form. I'm so exhausted. I'm blogging by phone because I can't even manage to stumble to my computer. Its okay though. Its okay.

I need to be patient. All of this is some sort of lesson. A giant lesson. My entire life. My ridiculously painful wonderful silly life.

My mind forgets to remind me, you're a bad idea. Hah.

Oh, one day.

Jesus, I love you.

Stress

I'm lying on the floor wishing desperately that I was home. Wishing the clock would stop moving, wishing my to do list wasn't so long. I'm fighting back tears wishing I could just be held and feel like I'm wanted. I'm so completely overwhelmed. I've never not known what to do like this before. I don't have any idea who to turn to. The burden of the world is coming crashing down on me. I'm literally having trouble breathing right now. I'm plagued by anxiety and I just want to run. Everything hurts. I'm so scared. I'm questioning everything. The validity of every relationship, the strength, the promises, my strength, my promises. What the hell is real anymore?

Somehow someway everyone in my life has this way of pushing me down. Of making me feel like I'm nothing. Making feel like I'm worthless and a failure. I can't do anything right. I wish I could get your voices out of my head. I wish you all could stop impacting me like this. I wish I just didn't care. I want to close my whole world off because I'm so tired of everything. But this uncontrollable fear and desire to not want to be alone consumes me. It crushes me. I hate it. I hate me.

I'm at the foot of the mountain with a long way to climb. But why should I even start the journey when I know I'll just be pushed off again?