Just Venting

Don't take any of this seriously if it alarms you. Actually, don't even read it.

My hands are shaking. All I can do is cry. I'm so tired of everything. I can't do this anymore. It was supposed to be better but everything is worse. Except for the dull ache the physical manifestation of pain is gone but I don't even care. My body is racked with emotional torment. My mind is haunted with too many things. I'm flooded with more than ever. I'm fine and then I'm not. I think I need to be institutionalized. Bars on my windows bars on my windows. Am I not already imprisoned? No work, no play. No work, no play. No one wants to be around me anyway. Visiting hours would be the same amount of time I would see anyone. My joy has been ripped out of my life. I've been punished. Maybe I did die. Is this hell? Am I in purgatory? Am I suffering for every wrong I committed? How could you take them away? I can't even go to the meetings? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. But I don't know what to do.

I want to reach into my bathroom and slit my throat. I think I have a box opener somewhere that would do the job. I just want my teens back.

why am I alone?!? why am I always alone? why can't I function anymore? what the hell is wrong with me? what happened to my independence? what happened to my toughness? How is this resilient Jamie?

I want to just leave. I want to start somewhere else because I look behind me and all I see is brokenness and I look in front of me and I just see a brick wall. I have two choices. Kill myself or runaway.

I've ruined lives. I've ruined mine. I'm a plague. Yet despite everything my love for everyone is so genuine. I know that because of how I feel. I honestly honestly love everyone so very much. None of it is faked. I would go to ends of the earth for anyone. But none of it matters. In the end, people are better off without me. I wish I was never born.

Why have I fought so hard to live to feel this way? It's cruel.

And I have no one.