I'm staring at a note that states the following "Stephanie can work with no restrictions". It's signed by my neurologist. Honestly, I'm even taken aback by the "no restriction" clause. But instead of causing me some insurmountable joy it gives me some strange pit in my stomach. I'm not sure why everything in my life makes me want to cry like a baby and be cradled in someone's arms. I'm just a few months shy of 22 years old. Just yesterday I was crying to my ex boyfriend and I made the comment that instead of progressing with age I'm regressing. I stopped growing up and I'm falling backwards. I don't know how to be strong anymore. He told me I didn't have to be. That it was okay. I was strong for too long. But honestly, without strength, what do I have left? I spend so much time alone these days just thinking and slipping into crying frenzies. I hate how I feel. I hate this emptiness. I hate how lonely I am. I hate how badly I just want to be held and reassured. All of this is weakness. It's pathetic.
This note scares me. I'm scared of it getting rejected. I'm scared of it being questioned. I'm scared of me not living up to what it states. But maybe there's even more to that. I'm too hurt to go back. I just want to walk away from everything. Because I feel like I have nothing. I feel like I am nothing. And I don't know how to handle anything. I feel isolated. I feel burned.
IWYWHCOSSAMPB.
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