Tell Me Why

I was driving home from my parents in Erin's car and Tell Me Why came on. Naturally it being Taylor Swift I turned it up and sang obnoxiously loud with her. Within moments I began crying. The lyrical content of the song took on so many different meanings for me. Furthermore driving down the road with my favorite artist blasting made me ache for the things that I don't have and filled me with the fear that I'm trying so hard to run away from. These past few days I've felt so alone. I have to conquer so many things and overcome so many obstacles and I've been promised that I don't need to go through this alone yet here I am. No one is helping me. If anything I'm carrying the weight of others right along with me. And right now I'm screaming at the top of my lungs, why? Someone please tell me why.

Last night my ex-boyfriend came over. I was reminded at how wonderful he really is and why so much of me is still in love with him while I cried hysterically into his chest and he cradled me. When I had no one else I had to turn to him. But even the heroics of Chris last night doesn't erase everything that has occurred between us. Or how so much of that song can be sung about him.

My parents destroyed me once again today. My dad this morning, my mom throughout the day. I'm not sure what I do wrong except everything. Really.

I took a chance, I took a shot
And you might think I'm bulletproof but I'm not
You took a swing, I took it hard
And down here from the ground, I see who you are

I'm sick and tired of your attitude
I'm feeling like I don't know you
You tell me that you love me then you cut me down

And I need you like a heartbeat
But you know you got a mean streak
Makes me run for cover when you're around

And here's to you and your temper
Yes, I remember what you said last night
And I know that you see what you're doing to me
Tell me, why?

You could write a book on how
To ruin someone's perfect day
Well, I get so confused and frustrated
Forget what I'm trying to say, oh

I'm sick and tired of your reasons
I got no one to believe in
You tell me that you want me, then push me around

And I need you like a heartbeat
But you know you got a mean streak
Makes me run for cover when you're around

Here's to you and your temper
Yes, I remember what you said last night
And I know that you see what you're doing to me
Tell me, why?

Why do you have to make me feel small
So you can feel whole inside?
Why do you have to put down my dreams
So you're the only thing on my mind?

I'm sick and tired of your attitude
I'm feeling like I don't know you
You tell me that you want me then cut me down

I'm sick and tired of your reasons
I've got no one to believe in
You ask me for my love then you push me around

Here's to you and your temper
Yes, I remember what you said last night
And I know that you see what you're doing to me
Tell me, why? Why? Tell me, why?

I take a step back, let you go
I told you I'm not bulletproof
Now you know

Expressionless

I want to be strong. I want to be someone people can look up to and depend on. I want to be that rock that stays firm even through the toughest storms and that you can hold onto for dear life. I want to take care of so many people.

But I have a problem. I'm not that strong and I need a group of people around me to be strong for me. To care for me. To grab the baton and finish my race. Or at least take a few laps for me. Because I'm so very tired and I'm out of gas.

I talked to Jamie for a little over an hour tonight. Talking to her made me feel normal again if that even makes sense. It made me feel like I had some sort of connection with someone. Like I was being heard and someone wanted to talk to me back. In all reality I don't really feel close to anyone in my life right now. My relationship with God is strengthening but with everyone else I feel distanced. I feel walls up everywhere and maybe it's just my imagination but it's making everything so difficult. As though I needed more on my plate. I'm so confused by everything. I'm so unbelievably lonely. I'm filled with so many things yet I'm so empty. I'm hopeful and trusting in His ultimate plan yet I fear so much.

I wish I could explain to you how I felt. I wish someone could hold me and tell me it's going to be okay and walk me through just a few days.

I wish I could catch a break.

Blog Title

Something I've always lacked is creativity. I tend not to think outside of the box. I'm not good with coming up with names or fun ideas. That's why some of my blogs don't have titles and why for a year and a half this entire blog in itself was practically nameless. This past weekend I ran into my old youth minister at Steubenville. Upon coming home he posted a blog on his website and he mentioned me on it. In his blog he described me as the following: "Back then she was a mess but a devout mess." I couldn't help but laugh when I read that. I'm still very much a mess. Granted I'm a bit more put together, all things considered, but I'm still a mess. But devout? I believe that is something I have always been. In so many aspects of my life. But Gary was talking about faith. It's nearly two in the morning and my mind is running a mile a minute. I want someone to talk to in order to attempt to organize my thoughts. But as the world sleeps and I remain awake I think about my life and what events have led me to where I am now and I can't help but be thankful for how devout I am. I have nothing right now. No job, no vehicle, no boyfriend, and more health problems than I like to admit. My life is a mess yet there is still this sense of peace in my heart because I know that God will take care of me. Things aren't going to get easy quick. In fact they may get harder. But at the end of the day I will be okay because through Him I know that I am loved and no harm will come against me.

Rooted

This weekend I went down to Tuscon, Arizona to my fourth Steubenville West conference. With about 40 of my teens, my closet friends and with 2000 other amazing Catholics I experienced God in a way that I so desperately needed. I planted my desires, my wants, my needs, my fears, my insecurities-my everything in Him. In a moment of complete grace the veil that covered my eyes was lifted. To say that I was blind would be misleading, but it is apparent that I have been walking around in a haze. I was that plant that had been uprooted and shaken by everything that this life of mine has given me and I had thrown myself back into the pot trying to hide my exposed roots. But the truth is God could see them! He knew that beneath that exterior of faked composure and bravery was a scared little girl desperate to be protected; desperate to be loved. But even after everything, after how many times my God has shown Himself to me and blessed me with His presence I never realized that for my entire life I've been looking for love; the love that I desperately need in all the wrong places. As a little girl and still as an adult (although in different and hidden ways), I looked for it in a family that I never truly had. I looked for it in relationships with guys and with friends. There's this deep void that has been inside of me that I've constantly tried to fill, but no one can fill it except Christ. It is He that needs to be my focus. My heart can not desire an intimate relationship with anyone else until I can perfect the relationship I have with Jesus. I sell myself short every single day of my life and God is tired of that. I deserve the world and God proved that when He hung on that cross for my sins so that I may live forever in Heaven with Him. God is begging for my attention and I've been so caught up in everything going wrong around me I've taken my eye off Him. I glance every now and then, but that intimate gaze that He desires is absent from my eyes. Christ has such great things for me. Erin tells me that one day I'll be a saint. Bryan this afternoon told me that sainthood is the path I walk on. The most heart warming moments I had this weekend is when one of my teens told me that they wanted to be holy like me and another that I would make an amazing youth minister. I am not one for compliments and attention makes me uncomfortable. However after all is said and done I do know this, my weakness is made perfect in Him. I'll be His instrument and will be permissive to what His will is. If that graces me with saint-like qualities, so be it, but all glory goes to Him. For now I know that I've fallen in love once again with the best Man of the Universe. My entire being is rooted in Him. I don't want to settle for the love that won't satisfy and bring me the joy that God intended.

For an extended period of time my words haven't been able to formulate. I lack the ability to describe the intricacies of my emotions and the depths of my thoughts. I've been locked in this stagnate of despair for years now. This desire to create something beautiful out of destruction looms over me like a dark cloud that's threatening rain. I ache with a desire to express my inner most torments but I'm so limited. I'm ramming my head against a brick wall thinking maybe I'll wake up from a horrible dream. But this is my life.

I'm tired of fighting tears every day. Even when I let them fall, I never cry enough.

There's far too much inside me.

Am I Worth It?

I want to know if I'm worth the fight. I want to know if I'm worth the struggle. I want to know if I'm worth the tears. I want to know if I'm worth the heartache. Am I worth changing over? Am I worth manning up over? Am I worth reevaluating? Am I worth starting over for? Am I worth loving that much? And I need to know now. Because if I'm not worth it, then I'll remove my heart from the line it still dangles on.

There's some Vodka in my kitchen that I wish I had someone to share it with. But maybe I'll settle with drinking it alone.

IJWTBGEFS

A small portion of my night was brought to you by Sara Evans. I put her CD in my truck, allowed my lead foot to push down a little harder and sang way too loud. If I could have any talent in the world it would be to sing. I love singing so much. I love music. I love the way it makes me feel. I love leaving my emotions in a song. It's a bit ridiculous. But I usually only have those moments when I'm driving. Which is okay.

To say that I'm okay would be a lie. I'm quite literally shattered. It took maybe an hour but I managed to glue myself together. Have I ever hurt this much? Funny how it is. Funny how everything is. I don't think there's one solution. I'd like to say that 95% of me wants to go away. Hurt you one more time but only because once I'm gone, I can never hurt you again. But then what? I just never wanted to lose you.

I don't want to explain my emotions anymore because I just feel like all I ever do is complain. No one gets it anyway. I'm a broken record and no wants to listen to the song I have to play. I understand completely. I've been tired of listening to the song too. For probably so many more years than you.

Do you know what the worst thing is? How I screw everything up and hurt you so much by just being me. By just being who I am.

And this is why I can't stand the person staring back at me every day.

I'll try to be better. I always try. But I'm already stretched so thin. And I can't possibly keep any more promises.

I'm regretting even writing this. Because it can be taken in a way that I don't want it to be taken. I'm just sorry. So very sorry.

There was a moment last night after I took a shower when I walked toward my bathroom sink to brush my teeth that I felt funny for a split second. But it happened too quick for me to react to. The next moment I remember I'm lying on the bathroom floor and my foot hurts, my head is pounding and I hear noises at my door. My body didn't want to move. I had no strength. But I forced myself to crawl to my door and unlock it. I expected my best friend to come to my side but she didn't. Instead Jacob came and was the one that asked me if I was okay. For perhaps a minute or less he held me and I cried to him. I wanted to cling to him and just have him hold me longer. I needed to be embraced so desperately. He told me the words that I needed to hear and I felt momentarily relief but as I looked out my door and saw her back facing me I couldn't allow Jacob's words to sink into my heart the way I needed them to. I don't know how everything will be okay. For anyone.

The tattoo on my wrist means a lot to me. It says a lot about the person that I am, and the faith I have in God. I screw up all the time. I'm a sinner but Christ died for me anyway. Last night words were said that hurt me. It wasn't their intention but it stung. I'm in a very delicate place right now and I just needed support. I needed encouragement and kindness. Not to be told what I was doing wrong and how I wasn't handling things properly or appreciating my blessings. Even, if perhaps, it was the truth. I'm my biggest critic without needing help from anyone else. Not that there is any blame to be administered. I shouldn't take things so personally. I shouldn't be so sensitive. Life experiences should have hardened me, yet they didn't. People pierce my heart so easily. Regardless, knowing I probably shouldn't drive and not wanting to cry in my room I went outside to try to breathe. I didn't intend on going anywhere in particular. I didn't plan on going far or being gone long. But I found myself going in the direction of my park and I couldn't stop. I just wanted to feel whole again.

The sprinklers were on so I couldn't sit in the exact spot that I wanted to. So I settled for a part of the playground. In that moment I once again forgot how to pray. It was like I was 12 again. I was scared, I was alone, I didn't feel wanted in my home and I was completely lost. I had my ipod with me and so I put in on a particular playlist and tried to open up my heart and sing to my God. I started to cry but I still felt so hollow. I still felt so alone.

After a handful of songs I just sat there in silence losing track of my thoughts wishing and wanting so many things. I moved closer to the spot where I wanted to be and just began talking. I was in mid conversation when my phone rang. I almost didn't answer, but I couldn't do that to you. After you hung up though, I couldn't focus again. I felt like my angel was gone and I was done being protected. God didn't want to listen to me anymore.

The night obviously didn't get any better. I had a terrible time sleeping as well. And today sitting here I'm battling all sorts of temptations. Maybe I should just leave. Start new. Or end somewhere else. Either or.

I can't keep feeling this way.

Perhaps I shouldn't publicize this. Not that this blog is longer accessible to the world but still. Even to my selected readers this may be too much. Not too much for you to handle because who am I to measure and to assume your strength? Or even the amount that this concerns you? I'm talking about this being too much for me. Even with the incredible support and love that I know I have so often I feel like I'm walking on this journey alone. And I'm terrified. I'm much more scared than I let on.

Today has been a bad day. I just want more time. Please. Dear God please. I'm not ready for the pain again. I'm not ready for the weakness. I'm not ready for the nausea. I'm not ready for the give out of my legs from under me. I'm not ready for my words to escape me. I'm not ready to have trouble reading. I'm not ready to forget everything. I'm just not ready.

I hate that I'm alone right now. Please someone tell me that everything will be okay.

I'm not asking for a miracle. I'm just asking to be allowed to live my life.

Push On

My head is pounding and I feel nauseated beyond belief. I'm light headed and shaky. My legs will be sore tomorrow. All of this makes me want to cry uncontrollably and throw a tantrum like a two year old. Scream out at the world that life isn't fair. But there's no point to that. Besides, if I really think about it, what got me to feeling this way may have been worth it. Two miles is nothing. I want more. I want so much more. I want to be faster and stronger like I used to be. This body of mine was not always useless. I can't be useless. I refuse to be useless.

I will not stop.

Story of My Soul

It is to you, dear, to you who are undoubtedly my best friend, that I come to confide the story of my soul...

That statement there is nearly word for word taken from the saint that is so very close to my heart, St. Therese of Lisieux. But when I read them I thought of you and I was hit with this overwhelming urge to say something. Do something. This blog is a poor record of my life and emotions. Its surface level at best. I think I'm meant for deeper. And youre the only one I trust.

Inching Away

It's something I've been avoiding. I knew it would have to come to this. Although the moments we have together are short and far in-between there's still that desire. We're like two shadows moving in the dark afraid of the light that's come to expose us. So much is left unspoken. You whisper with your eyes, and the gentle touches of your hand when you reach out to me like you used to. The way you pull back makes me question if you forget, or if you just want to. Why did you go through so much trouble of getting me to be yours for it to end this way? I hate how you make feel inside yet do I ever really want this feeling to go away? No one told me being in love was supposed to hurt this much.

My mind is racing. We're approaching a month and I know how little time that really is to be over you. We were together for over 3 years. But who are we kidding? We were in love for at least 5. I fought you. But you never gave up. You wanted me. And now what? Was it some game? You get the prize and that's it? Because for too long I just felt like nothing.

I don't know what I want. I know that I can't have you. Not now. Not with the way things are. But in the mean time? I just want to stop hurting. Maybe, even, get over you. Take some advice from Travis Tritt and Lari White...

"I'm not much good at playing games
I'm just trying to keep from going under
There's no forever in his eyes
It's not the love that we once knew
Oh and it might be a sin but tonight I've got a friend
Helping me get over you

Helping me get over you
One kiss at a time
'Cause all the pain that we've been through
Still weighs so heavy on my mind
Getting pass the love we lost
That's a lonely bridge to cross
So I did what I had to do
I had to find somebody new
Who's helping me get over you"

Failure

My life is a serious of ups and downs. Of bad moments sprinkled with moments that allow me to keep on moving. I'm overwhelmed by this, I'm overwhelmed with that. Yet I always find a way to fight. Whether it's some crazy inner strength that I was born with, the grace of God, an amazing support system that includes the world's best friend, or just some strange combination of all the above. But either way, every time I get even the slightest room to breathe I'm shoved right back under the water.

I think God forgets how strong He really made me.

But then, should I put any blame on Him? After all, it wasn't His mistake. I'm the screw up. Always have been. I try so hard to reach this level of "perfection". To excel in everything that I do. I do my very best in absolutely everything. But I still fail. It's never-ending. And it's all way too much.

Ramblings of a Broken Heart

I'm sitting here in an empty apartment and there's mixed emotions to that. There's this fear, similar to what I can only assume a child feels when they know they're doing something their parents will disapprove of yet they do it anyway. There's this sense of relief and serenity to the sound of the utter quietness and the time to my thoughts without having to be asked for at least a few hours how I am or how I'm feeling or what hurts today. There's this anxiety that makes me want to crawl back in bed and just sleep or read a book just in case something does happen and therefore I'll be less likely to cause any harm. There's this rebellion that wants to get dressed, grab my keys, turn the music up loud, drive to the airport, point to a place, buy a ticket and never look back. Write a note and tell the only person that really, truly cares how desperately I'll miss her and how much I love her. That I'd send her money every week. Somehow, some way still take care of her but I just couldn't do all of this anymore.
Why am I crying right now? Can't I be done crying? Of course not. Because above all, empty apartment or not, it's this emotion that kills me every day. My brain tumor won't destroy me. I actually feel stronger after the biopsy. Though who knows how long I'll go symptom less. It's this overwhelming sense of loneliness that will kill me. That's killing me now. I'm missing a part of my heart. And I hate it because I can't do anything about it.

I'm the kind of girl that would do anything for you. Really. But I'm imperfect. I lose my patience. I get annoyed when you're not on time, I don't like huge displays of public affection, I don't let things go, I'm too sensitive, I'm shy and awkward. I have more flaws than good qualities. I have little quirks that may annoy you. Like how I can't mix up my food. Or you can never buy me a necklace because I will not wear it. Sorry, but my crucifix isn't coming off. Or how I hate sitting completely on chairs unless I'm sitting Indian style on them (though yes, I can be proper when I need to be). I like ketchup on my steak and actually, won't eat it any other way. I hate onions so very much. When I run I have to count to 10 repeatedly in my head. I'm way too competitive. You can't talk to me or make me feel better when my teams lose a game. Especially a playoff game. Sorry just how it is. My work with the teens will come before everything. I love music. All types of music. But country will always win. I'm needy in certain ways. I need a certain level of attention. For example, I don't need to be communicated with every second of the day. But a two text conversation won't fly with me. I'm insecure. I need to feel like you actually want to talk to me. Feel like you miss me. Another example has to do with my self esteem. It's no secret that I have trouble looking in the mirror and even slightly appreciating the person staring back at me. I need to feel beautiful. And I'm not even talking about to the world or to myself. I need to feel beautiful to you. Then there's the big one. The one that everyone fails. Well, almost. I need to be reassured. And it's sadly an every day thing. Reassured that you love me and you won't walk away. You won't abandon me.
Maybe I should post a want ad:
Searching for a deeply devoted practicing Roman Catholic who can put up with me. I'm not trying to be picky, but it would be amazing if you could play a sport, in particular baseball. Romantic, please? Because I'm dying to be swept off my feet. Come on baby. Let's seek Heaven together.

But who am I kidding? The truth hurts.

Warfare

Something is happening to me that is far beyond my control. Beyond anything I have ever experienced before. I am caught between something that I am perhaps not prepared for. Perhaps not strong enough for. Yet I have to be. Funny how it always come to this. Always. Beaten, worn down, tired and at my last breath while the devil is breathing down my neck. Though I suppose it's taken on a different meaning.

I have two incisions on my head. A tumor removed, a section removed from another. My tumor has a name now, though that doesn't give me any more comfort. They want to try a radiation treatment. Then surgery if it doesn't help. I'll take the wait and see method thank you very much. Doctor thinks they removed a portion that was putting pressure on my brain that was causing so much of my problems. Can I hide my symptoms? Can I ignore them? Can some miracle occur and they just not come back? They drained enough fluid to relieve so much of my pain. Or am I still hyped up on too many drugs to notice? Am I lying to myself too? I'm so good at masking everything. I can fool the world. Let me fool the world.

I want to be someone else. Please. Run away from everything. There's a battle going on inside me. I'm not who I want to be. I don't do anything that I enjoy doing. I want to be free.

Despite everything what eats me inside is this feeling. The emptiness I feel. Three weeks is nothing, but it seems like forever. I want to be held.

So much is wrong with me.

Bear My Cross

I'm not exactly sure why but I was set apart for some reason. I was granted a gift that I truly do cherish. God reached down from Heaven and held a scared, broken and lonely 12 year old on a dark night in an empty park and planted faith in my heart. My life is supposed to mean something. Scratch that. My life does mean something.

I received the anointing of the sick today before mass. Father Greg before he started asked me how I was holding up. I answered him with a weak smile. He smiled at me back, but his smile was much more genuine than mine. He looked me in the eyes and said "Stephanie, youre strong and probably handling this better than anyone else is. They're all a mess but you have faith. But you always have. You're stronger than all of them. Your faith is deeper." I almost argued but I didn't. I just prayed to be healed. I didn't know how to take Father Greg's words anyway.

During mass I was hit with an enormous amount of pain. All my strength went into me not crying out in pain. But I just prayed. And I offered it up. Let my suffering mean something, please.

After mass I went to my parents. I can't explain how much pain was inflicted upon me in there. I'm so incredibly hurt. Yet as much as I can say that I do I know that it isn't true. I love you. And what I feel for you is sadness because something in your life hurt you and affected you to make you treat me this way. May God grant you peace.

Christ have mercy.

When I Get Better

It isn't new that I hurt. It isn't new that most days are unbearable. It isn't new that I fake most of my smiles and I compose myself probably too well. It isn't new that I'm unsure about everything. But I do know one thing and that is I will get better. I will be 100% and when I do there are just a few things that I want to do.

• I want to go to El Paso and put flowers on both my grandfather's graves
• I want to go to the Grand Canyon
• I want to go camping
• I want to go on a hike
• I want to drive to the beach with my best friend
• I want to play softball
• I want to play basketball
• I want my body back-where my muscles were defined and every part of me was toned.
  
• I want to go back to school
• I want a better job
• I want to rely on my memory
• I want to write without hurting
• I want to go somewhere I've never been
• I want to do something I've never done
• I want to feel something I've never felt
• I want to be loved the way I'm supposed to be loved.
  
• I want to let go and find healing.
  

I just want to live. I desperately want to live.