A little over a year ago I began this blog. My first post was Dec 19th, 2009. My second one was on New Year's Eve. I remember writing both and exactly how I felt while writing them. I remember being so hopeful for 2010. Wanting so many things to happen. Even believing that some of them will. But 2010 was a big disappointment to me. Really probably the worst year of my life. Which makes me sad because well, 10 is my favorite number.
I lost a lot of things in 2010. I lost a dear friend in a horrible accident. I lost certain dreams, lost certain hopes. I lost more faith in myself. I lost my mind a little bit more. I lost trust for a friend that meant so much to me. I lost connection with people I cared about. I lost a job and a whole lot of money. I lost motivation. I lost interest. I lost pieces of who I am.
Now looking at all the negative is an easy thing for me to do. But I know how far that will get me. Although this year was extremely difficult and heartbreaking, it had many good moments as well. Moments that I'm grateful for. Things that kept me going.
First of all I need to mention the number one thing that kept me going and that's my faith. My faith in God and His Church. They're the most beautiful things in my life and the only things I know that I can completely and confidently trust without the fear of being hurt. Being Catholic is the greatest gift I've even been given. A gift that somewhat ironically, I gave myself. I chose this faith. This year despite everything my faith in God grew stronger. My love for all things Catholic continues to grow every day. And with this strength and desire I also realized something else this year. I realized what my place should be in the Church. I realized that my overwhelming desire to serve belongs in youth ministry. The pure joy that those teenagers give me is irreplaceable.
Secondly I need to mention Chris. This year was by far our toughest. In so many ways. But my love for him has never stopped growing and my desire to be his grows at the same pace. He is my rock and my very best friend. This year made me realize even more how much he does love me. It made me realize the strength we both have to get through anything together. He still gives me hope.
Erin and Jacob. I seriously doubt you two really know how much you mean to me. Erin you light up my day without failing. I love being with you and I find it a little insane on my part how I want to spend more time with you. You make me laugh and smile and I feel at ease when I'm with you. As though I don't need to guard myself. That's both frightening and relieving at the same time. Eventually I'll stop saying it so much but it's as though when I do, it heals me a bit more: You're my best friend and I adore you. Jacob, I am so comfortable with you it's a little funny. You help me so much by the kind advice you give me and the ability you have to make me feel cared for. Despite the secret love affair I have with you and though it may sound weird with those words preceding it, you're like a brother to me. I love you and am so thankful you're in my life.
Jamie, another year has passed in our friendship. We're going on 9 years and that amazes me. It doesn't matter that we don't talk all the time or see each other. Although it would be nice, our friendship is something special because I don't consider the distance to weaken it. You'll always be my hero and so beautiful to me. I love you.
I don't know what to expect out of 2011. Most of me is going into the year not expecting anything. I prefer it that way so I don't get disappointed. I do know that 2011 will present more challenges for me. With the financial situation of my parents getting worse and my stepdad not being able to find a job I sense a move to another state. I wont be going with them though. Which means I'll have to find a place to live. But I'll have to handle that when it comes. As for now I'm just praying that tomorrow when I wake up and the calendar changes I have 365 days to start new. Days that I pray I'll take more advantage of.
Happy New Years.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Breakout
I'm freaking out. Seriously freaking out. I am totally aware that I'm being insane. I know I'm overreacting but oh my gosh. My face. I can't believe what is on my face. Underneath my bangs lies a perfect forehead. Really. Or at least it used to be. Geeze. Is this what a teenager feels like?
Six pimples. SIX. I always knew that number was evil. Three of which are on my no longer perfect forehead. This is ridiculous. My complexion has always been wonderful. I've never had more than one pimple at a time and they were such rare occasions. I didn't suffer through my teenage years with pimples on my face. I didn't need any products. And now this? I mean really. Why now? Why ever? My face is ruined! Like I already didn't have a problem with it. I mean oh my gosh.
I don't even know what to do. Is a paper bag too much? I doubt it.
I think I'm going to go cry now.
Six pimples. SIX. I always knew that number was evil. Three of which are on my no longer perfect forehead. This is ridiculous. My complexion has always been wonderful. I've never had more than one pimple at a time and they were such rare occasions. I didn't suffer through my teenage years with pimples on my face. I didn't need any products. And now this? I mean really. Why now? Why ever? My face is ruined! Like I already didn't have a problem with it. I mean oh my gosh.
I don't even know what to do. Is a paper bag too much? I doubt it.
I think I'm going to go cry now.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Perhaps I'm overly paranoid about sounding selfish these days. I'm not sure how to explain certain emotions because I get scared. I don't really like feeling like I'm being watched. As though I'm just being waited on to mess up. To have someone jump up and say, "You see! Just like I said. You're selfish". I have disturbing dreams about it. I think about it and I burst into tears. This irrational fear of being someone I never wanted to be. I just sort of wish this feeling would go away. But I know how I am. Faulted or not, these things stay with me.
I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I have this unimaginable desire to feel like I'm the most important person in any sort of way to someone. That is selfish. But I can't help it. I keep thinking about so many things and crying for so many reasons that I can't take it anymore. This isn't just depression either. This is more than that. This is me dying. But wanting so badly to live. This is me still stupidly dreaming but not being able to get my feet off the ground.
New Years is coming soon and I keep thinking of resolutions. But do I have the courage to say them out loud? Because then what? If I fail everyone knows. Don't you all know already how much I've failed? I feel like no one and everyone sees me at the same time. I'm virtually ignored, forgotten, abused, and terribly mistaken until I do something wrong. Then everything is magnified. Taken out of context. I'm just laughed at.
I feel even worse now. I feel so stupid that I can't lift my arm. Actually, can't even move it without an incredible amount of pain shooting through it. Putting on my clothes is hard. Laying in bed is so uncomfortable. I need help eating because my right side is useless right now. But I don't want to ask for help. I manage as well as I can with my left. But I just feel so dumb. I'd prefer to have a life threatening issue instead.
Too many thoughts.
I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I have this unimaginable desire to feel like I'm the most important person in any sort of way to someone. That is selfish. But I can't help it. I keep thinking about so many things and crying for so many reasons that I can't take it anymore. This isn't just depression either. This is more than that. This is me dying. But wanting so badly to live. This is me still stupidly dreaming but not being able to get my feet off the ground.
New Years is coming soon and I keep thinking of resolutions. But do I have the courage to say them out loud? Because then what? If I fail everyone knows. Don't you all know already how much I've failed? I feel like no one and everyone sees me at the same time. I'm virtually ignored, forgotten, abused, and terribly mistaken until I do something wrong. Then everything is magnified. Taken out of context. I'm just laughed at.
I feel even worse now. I feel so stupid that I can't lift my arm. Actually, can't even move it without an incredible amount of pain shooting through it. Putting on my clothes is hard. Laying in bed is so uncomfortable. I need help eating because my right side is useless right now. But I don't want to ask for help. I manage as well as I can with my left. But I just feel so dumb. I'd prefer to have a life threatening issue instead.
Too many thoughts.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Running in the Rain
I've been athletic my whole life. Naturally talented, too. In my heart I know that if I really wanted to be, I could have been great. Made it to the Olympics playing softball or basketball. Made my daddy's dream come true. Sports came easily. I didn't have to practice, I was just good. I walked on to three different teams without trying out. In 5th grade every person in the school knew my name because I was the best player on the team. The one who could beat the 6th grade team, too. Boys and girls. I was never proud about it though. I don't like to boast. But I was good, and winning was something I've always liked doing. The competition fueled me. When I played sports nothing else mattered. I left everything on the court and the field. The world made perfect sense there.
My depression and eating disorders got the best of me though. I destroyed my body and along the way I lost the fight in me. I felt so empty in life that I allowed it to take over the only thing I had left. I didn't practice like I should have. I didn't perform as well as I could have. I didn't see the point any more. I stopped playing my sophomore year of high school. It was a dumb move. My heart still aches thinking about it. My former teammates would invite me to their games and I never went. I couldn't. Watching them play without me hurt. So I tried to forget about it. Put it past me. But it's just another thing I buried.
I still have pretty damn good reflexes. I can still shoot a three, and make a perfect throw from short or anywhere else on the field for that matter. I'll always be able to catch. But that raw talent is undeveloped. And at 21, it's too late to do much. I'm terribly out of shape and I don't push myself anymore because thinking about how I allowed myself to be like this bothers me. But as I sat at home today thinking about so much and not having a single person to talk to I felt the desire to run. I felt the need to find my glove and throw the ball in the air. I felt the urge to play basketball at the park down the street. And at about 7:30 tonight I put my hoodie on, tied my shoes and went running in the rain. I ran until my lungs hurt and then I yelled at myself in my mind to keep on running. The rain dripped from my bangs into my eyes and made them burn underneath my contacts but I kept on running. I ran, and I ran. When I reached my house again and stopped I felt a little like collapsing. But all I could do was smile because I felt something else, too.
I felt alive.
My depression and eating disorders got the best of me though. I destroyed my body and along the way I lost the fight in me. I felt so empty in life that I allowed it to take over the only thing I had left. I didn't practice like I should have. I didn't perform as well as I could have. I didn't see the point any more. I stopped playing my sophomore year of high school. It was a dumb move. My heart still aches thinking about it. My former teammates would invite me to their games and I never went. I couldn't. Watching them play without me hurt. So I tried to forget about it. Put it past me. But it's just another thing I buried.
I still have pretty damn good reflexes. I can still shoot a three, and make a perfect throw from short or anywhere else on the field for that matter. I'll always be able to catch. But that raw talent is undeveloped. And at 21, it's too late to do much. I'm terribly out of shape and I don't push myself anymore because thinking about how I allowed myself to be like this bothers me. But as I sat at home today thinking about so much and not having a single person to talk to I felt the desire to run. I felt the need to find my glove and throw the ball in the air. I felt the urge to play basketball at the park down the street. And at about 7:30 tonight I put my hoodie on, tied my shoes and went running in the rain. I ran until my lungs hurt and then I yelled at myself in my mind to keep on running. The rain dripped from my bangs into my eyes and made them burn underneath my contacts but I kept on running. I ran, and I ran. When I reached my house again and stopped I felt a little like collapsing. But all I could do was smile because I felt something else, too.
I felt alive.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Little Miss
A friend who I haven't talked to in a while text me and told me they just heard a song that reminded me of them. A new song from Sugarland. I have mixed emotions over it.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Mother Dear
I have an awful relationship with my mother. No matter how hard I try to repair it, it's impossible. She gets me so angry with everything she does. And the pain she gave me when she left me will more than likely never go away. It's an emotional baggage that I carry with me in every aspect and relationship of my life. It's the biggest reason that I don't trust people. It's a huge part of why I don't think I'm worth anything. It's a very essential reason why when someone does anything to somehow get out of my life, I shut myself down and build a fortress around myself that they can't get through. It's an open wound that so many people in my life keep attacking. And then they get upset when I don't "forgive them". But that's another subject in itself.
I can't always control my emotions when I'm with my mom. I get blinded by the hurt and anger she makes me feel. I say things that I shouldn't. I think things that are even worse. I become someone that I really am not. Maybe in a certain way, I become her.
I do not hate my mother. Maybe that would be easier. My problem is that I love my mom so very much. Even at 21 I do so much to make her happy. Or at least attempt to. I allow her to run over me and use me in any way she can. I give her money when I have none to give. I give her my time. I raise her children. I feed them. I buy them what they need. I drive them places. At the age of barely 5 years old I changed my sister's diapers and took her baths and held her when she cried. Then 3 years later she ripped her out of my life and I didn't hear a single thing from them for a year. Not one word. No happy birthday, no merry Christmas. Nothing. But when my dad drove me the 8 hours to AZ to see my mom and sister again I still longed for both of them. My nine year old self thought that things would be better. They thought that the emptiness I felt would go away. But I was so wrong.
My mom is the most selfish person that I know. I don't understand why she does the things she does. I don't understand why she says certain things. It doesn't make sense at all. But I'm tired of her making me feel like this. I'm tired of her.
Dammit I need to talk to Erin.
I can't always control my emotions when I'm with my mom. I get blinded by the hurt and anger she makes me feel. I say things that I shouldn't. I think things that are even worse. I become someone that I really am not. Maybe in a certain way, I become her.
I do not hate my mother. Maybe that would be easier. My problem is that I love my mom so very much. Even at 21 I do so much to make her happy. Or at least attempt to. I allow her to run over me and use me in any way she can. I give her money when I have none to give. I give her my time. I raise her children. I feed them. I buy them what they need. I drive them places. At the age of barely 5 years old I changed my sister's diapers and took her baths and held her when she cried. Then 3 years later she ripped her out of my life and I didn't hear a single thing from them for a year. Not one word. No happy birthday, no merry Christmas. Nothing. But when my dad drove me the 8 hours to AZ to see my mom and sister again I still longed for both of them. My nine year old self thought that things would be better. They thought that the emptiness I felt would go away. But I was so wrong.
My mom is the most selfish person that I know. I don't understand why she does the things she does. I don't understand why she says certain things. It doesn't make sense at all. But I'm tired of her making me feel like this. I'm tired of her.
Dammit I need to talk to Erin.
It Takes Four
I sat between the two most wonderful men in my world. I love both of them so much; the keeper of my heart and my best man. Chris and Jacob mean so much to me and I love being with them. But as we were sitting there watching the movie and they were laughing I couldn't help but feel empty. The picture wasn't complete without Erin.
I know Erin will be back in a month. And I know I'm going to be okay. But the thing is, though Chris is my boyfriend and he knows virtually every little thing about me, I need that female companionship. I need Erin to complain to when Chris is being dumb. I need Erin to talk to about every little thing I can think of. Being unable to text her, call her, or see her for a whole month kills me. Erin is the only person who never fails to ask me how I'm feeling. She asks specific questions and gets answers out of me that no one does because she takes the time to really care. These stupid blogs that I write? I know she reads them all. I know this not because she comments or anything but because she makes a point to ask me about them. To understand the real meaning behind my words and the exact situations and people I'm talking about. She wants to be in my life. That fact amazes me beyond all else. Every little thing she does for me tells me that she cares and loves me. She's completely honest with me, even when it hurts. But I appreciate that honesty. She's my best friend and I enjoy every second I get with her.
Like I said, I know I will be fine. I also hope she has an amazing time. She's going to spend time in the number one place I want to go, the Vatican, after all. Then she'll go to India to visit family. She'll have fun and in a month she will be back. My only issue is that without a job and school being out for winter, I have way too much free time without being able to talk to the person I talk to the most. And as much as I love our boyfriends, it isn't the same without her being there.
I know Erin will be back in a month. And I know I'm going to be okay. But the thing is, though Chris is my boyfriend and he knows virtually every little thing about me, I need that female companionship. I need Erin to complain to when Chris is being dumb. I need Erin to talk to about every little thing I can think of. Being unable to text her, call her, or see her for a whole month kills me. Erin is the only person who never fails to ask me how I'm feeling. She asks specific questions and gets answers out of me that no one does because she takes the time to really care. These stupid blogs that I write? I know she reads them all. I know this not because she comments or anything but because she makes a point to ask me about them. To understand the real meaning behind my words and the exact situations and people I'm talking about. She wants to be in my life. That fact amazes me beyond all else. Every little thing she does for me tells me that she cares and loves me. She's completely honest with me, even when it hurts. But I appreciate that honesty. She's my best friend and I enjoy every second I get with her.
Like I said, I know I will be fine. I also hope she has an amazing time. She's going to spend time in the number one place I want to go, the Vatican, after all. Then she'll go to India to visit family. She'll have fun and in a month she will be back. My only issue is that without a job and school being out for winter, I have way too much free time without being able to talk to the person I talk to the most. And as much as I love our boyfriends, it isn't the same without her being there.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Just thinking.
Sometimes I let my thoughts go too far. I linger on the past, dream about the future and anxiously fret about the present. In a mind where hundreds of thoughts come at me at once I at times find it difficult to focus on a single thing. Even when a particular subject does weigh heavily on my mind I elaborate the details and various outcomes over and over again. I experience the emotions as though it were real life. With certain thoughts this creates an amazing joy but with others, well...
This isn't the first time I thought of it. Though this is not a subject that I consider very much. But I can't just shake the feeling and the questions of "what if". It is foolish to consider such things. The past is what it is and there is not a single thing you could do to change it. Yet here I am, thinking. Wondering what could have been and regretting so many things. Perhaps the happiness I felt sent me running. The excuse I made, was it the truth? Or was it an opportunity I used to guard myself and build a wall so tall that no one could ever climb?
I feel as though I need to discuss this with someone. Kayla, perhaps. She could always help in these situations. Hah. Oh Kayla. I miss that crazy girl. I'm thinking about Spring Break all over again. Oh my gosh.
I know who I want to talk to actually. But there simply is never the time.
I think I'll allow myself, for the night, to let my thoughts have full control.
This isn't the first time I thought of it. Though this is not a subject that I consider very much. But I can't just shake the feeling and the questions of "what if". It is foolish to consider such things. The past is what it is and there is not a single thing you could do to change it. Yet here I am, thinking. Wondering what could have been and regretting so many things. Perhaps the happiness I felt sent me running. The excuse I made, was it the truth? Or was it an opportunity I used to guard myself and build a wall so tall that no one could ever climb?
I feel as though I need to discuss this with someone. Kayla, perhaps. She could always help in these situations. Hah. Oh Kayla. I miss that crazy girl. I'm thinking about Spring Break all over again. Oh my gosh.
I know who I want to talk to actually. But there simply is never the time.
I think I'll allow myself, for the night, to let my thoughts have full control.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Reflection of Love
There was a whole lot of hate going on last night for me. Not against anyone. No, that is never the case. My hate has always been simple. I hate the person who looks back at me in the mirror every day. In fact, I do my best to only look when I absolutely have to.
But at about 1:10 AM I realized something. Something that everyone else already knew and I just ignored for reasons I am not aware of. Maybe it was because I simply didn't want to. I didn't want to feel guilty about another thing in my life. So I convinced myself that I wasn't hurting anyone but myself. But that does such and injustice to the handful of people who really love me. That disregards the love and friendship that Chris, Erin, Jacob, Jamie, Michael and anyone else has given me. It was me (unintentionally) saying screw you. What I do has nothing to do with you. But that was a lie. Because what I do does have to do with them. By loving me and being my friend they compromise their feelings and emotions on my behalf. Just as they are never alone in anything they feel because they have me, I'm not alone in anything I feel because I have them.
I don't like myself. But I need to realize that you all do. In fact, you love me and think rather highly of me. I'm being rude and selfish by not truly accepting those facts and I sincerely apologize. Jamie, for eight years of ignorance. Chris, for six years of stupidity. Erin and Jacob, for over two years of selfishness. Michael, for over a year of nonacceptance. And to all others who love me, I am sorry. Truly.
You may not always see it, but I grow stronger every day. In most part, because I have all of you.
But at about 1:10 AM I realized something. Something that everyone else already knew and I just ignored for reasons I am not aware of. Maybe it was because I simply didn't want to. I didn't want to feel guilty about another thing in my life. So I convinced myself that I wasn't hurting anyone but myself. But that does such and injustice to the handful of people who really love me. That disregards the love and friendship that Chris, Erin, Jacob, Jamie, Michael and anyone else has given me. It was me (unintentionally) saying screw you. What I do has nothing to do with you. But that was a lie. Because what I do does have to do with them. By loving me and being my friend they compromise their feelings and emotions on my behalf. Just as they are never alone in anything they feel because they have me, I'm not alone in anything I feel because I have them.
I don't like myself. But I need to realize that you all do. In fact, you love me and think rather highly of me. I'm being rude and selfish by not truly accepting those facts and I sincerely apologize. Jamie, for eight years of ignorance. Chris, for six years of stupidity. Erin and Jacob, for over two years of selfishness. Michael, for over a year of nonacceptance. And to all others who love me, I am sorry. Truly.
You may not always see it, but I grow stronger every day. In most part, because I have all of you.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Christmas Cheer
I love Christmas. I love the music, I love the lights. I love decorating and wrapping gifts. I'll wear a Santa hat out in public and be in complete bliss. I love the season of Advent. I love the color purple. I love the readings filled with proclamations of "Staying awake". I love the anticipation. I love my Savior and celebrating His birth. I love Midnight mass. I loved my church filled incense. I love all of it. It's the most wonderful time of the year.
But this year I wish Christmas wouldn't come. I want to take all the lights off the house. I want to stop the music from playing. I want to put away the tree. I want time to stop. Rewind even. But allow me to keep on going. Allow me to figure things out. Allow me to do something.
I sat on the floor of my best friend's room as she walked around and got ready. My head was killing me and I was holding back tears. But it quickly dawned on me that it wasn't just the pain that made me want to cry. It's the fact that this beautiful woman who I adore so much won't be getting anything from me for Christmas. At least nothing significant. Erin has done more for me in a single month than most people who I have known for years have combined. And it isn't like Erin just suddenly became my friend. No every day that I've known her she has blessed me in some way. She's the most amazing person to me. And I have no resources to give her anything back in return. Sure, she has my undying love and impossible-to-break friendship but she deserves so much more. And as I constantly struggle to describe what she means to me I fail each time. I just wish I could give her back even the smallest amount of joy that she gives me. She won't even be here for Christmas. In just a few short days she will be half a world away and I have nothing to give.
It isn't just Erin, of course. My boyfriend who I immensely love spoiling I can't. Every year at least $500 is spent on him. I do my best to get him whatever he wants and he has such a expensive taste for technology. He keeps talking about this phone he wants and although I know he isn't directing it at me, I want to cry each time he mentions it. I can't get it for him. I want to more than anything, but I can't.
Jacob is the man that I am in love with just slightly less than my boyfriend. He's more wonderful than I can describe and I am so glad that he's going to be the one who will forever take care of best friend. I don't even have the slightest clue as to what I would get him but the fact still remains that I can't get him anything either. I can't get my family anything. I can't get Jamie anything. I can't get Michael, or April, or Katrina, or Jeremy, or Thea and Vinny or Bryan or anyone. I can't get Chris' parents anything. I have nothing to offer anyone.
I know Christmas isn't about presents. I know that most everyone I mentioned isn't going to really care. But I can't just be okay with that. I can't just be fine with not getting anyone anything. And I feel even worse because I know that this year I'll have at least one gift from someone. I don't want anything. I just want to be able to give.
But this year I wish Christmas wouldn't come. I want to take all the lights off the house. I want to stop the music from playing. I want to put away the tree. I want time to stop. Rewind even. But allow me to keep on going. Allow me to figure things out. Allow me to do something.
I sat on the floor of my best friend's room as she walked around and got ready. My head was killing me and I was holding back tears. But it quickly dawned on me that it wasn't just the pain that made me want to cry. It's the fact that this beautiful woman who I adore so much won't be getting anything from me for Christmas. At least nothing significant. Erin has done more for me in a single month than most people who I have known for years have combined. And it isn't like Erin just suddenly became my friend. No every day that I've known her she has blessed me in some way. She's the most amazing person to me. And I have no resources to give her anything back in return. Sure, she has my undying love and impossible-to-break friendship but she deserves so much more. And as I constantly struggle to describe what she means to me I fail each time. I just wish I could give her back even the smallest amount of joy that she gives me. She won't even be here for Christmas. In just a few short days she will be half a world away and I have nothing to give.
It isn't just Erin, of course. My boyfriend who I immensely love spoiling I can't. Every year at least $500 is spent on him. I do my best to get him whatever he wants and he has such a expensive taste for technology. He keeps talking about this phone he wants and although I know he isn't directing it at me, I want to cry each time he mentions it. I can't get it for him. I want to more than anything, but I can't.
Jacob is the man that I am in love with just slightly less than my boyfriend. He's more wonderful than I can describe and I am so glad that he's going to be the one who will forever take care of best friend. I don't even have the slightest clue as to what I would get him but the fact still remains that I can't get him anything either. I can't get my family anything. I can't get Jamie anything. I can't get Michael, or April, or Katrina, or Jeremy, or Thea and Vinny or Bryan or anyone. I can't get Chris' parents anything. I have nothing to offer anyone.
I know Christmas isn't about presents. I know that most everyone I mentioned isn't going to really care. But I can't just be okay with that. I can't just be fine with not getting anyone anything. And I feel even worse because I know that this year I'll have at least one gift from someone. I don't want anything. I just want to be able to give.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
I try not to ask for a lot. My goal in life is to make others happy. There are few things that I really need. But right now I need something. I need to be allowed to sleep.
The past few days have been horrible. Filled with so much pain and a huge fear of the unknown. If it wasn't for my angel of a best friend I don't know where I would be. She gave me a bed. She gave me food. Most importantly she gave me her love and friendship. Two things that make me feel better above all else. But let's face it, she can't always be there to save me. And as comfortable as I am with her, I can't get myself to ask any more from her. But I just wish that my family would care about me just a little bit. I wish that for one second they would stop and think about me. All I want right now is my bed to sleep in. All I want right now is to listen to my doctors and not drive. All I want right now is to be able to rest in peace. To have someone hold my hand while I cry because I hurt so much. I just want them to love me.
But I get what I get. I have the couch once again. The TV is on, my dad is snoring, and there's nothing I can do. I have to wake up at 6 and take Marisa to school and then Anthony after that. I have to write a paper and drop it off at the high school so Marisa doesn't fail English. I have to help my stepdad with a garage sale. I have to bake cookies, and a cake. And then after all of that I need to go babysit. I just don't have that kind of strength. Not right now. I'm going to end up killing myself. But how can I just stop? How can I ignore everyone's demands?
I'm all drugged up right now. But it doesn't matter. I still hurt so much. I just need a break, please.
The past few days have been horrible. Filled with so much pain and a huge fear of the unknown. If it wasn't for my angel of a best friend I don't know where I would be. She gave me a bed. She gave me food. Most importantly she gave me her love and friendship. Two things that make me feel better above all else. But let's face it, she can't always be there to save me. And as comfortable as I am with her, I can't get myself to ask any more from her. But I just wish that my family would care about me just a little bit. I wish that for one second they would stop and think about me. All I want right now is my bed to sleep in. All I want right now is to listen to my doctors and not drive. All I want right now is to be able to rest in peace. To have someone hold my hand while I cry because I hurt so much. I just want them to love me.
But I get what I get. I have the couch once again. The TV is on, my dad is snoring, and there's nothing I can do. I have to wake up at 6 and take Marisa to school and then Anthony after that. I have to write a paper and drop it off at the high school so Marisa doesn't fail English. I have to help my stepdad with a garage sale. I have to bake cookies, and a cake. And then after all of that I need to go babysit. I just don't have that kind of strength. Not right now. I'm going to end up killing myself. But how can I just stop? How can I ignore everyone's demands?
I'm all drugged up right now. But it doesn't matter. I still hurt so much. I just need a break, please.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Sparks Fly
The way you move is like a full-on rainstorm, and I'm a house of cards. You're the kind of reckless that should send me running but I kinda know that I won't get far...Get me with those green eyes baby as the lights go down. Give me something that'll haunt me when you're not around. 'Cause I see sparks fly whenever you smile...I'm on my guard for the rest of the world. But with you, I know it's no good...I'm captivated by you baby, like a fireworks show.
I sat across from him at dinner. I was focusing too much on my meal. In certain ways I had to. The room was spinning a little. My declining health is getting the best of me, though I try my hardest to put on a brave face. I looked up for a second and I caught him staring. I'm not sure he even realized it, but our eyes met and he smiled at me. I'm pretty sure I fell in love all over again.
I sat across from him at dinner. I was focusing too much on my meal. In certain ways I had to. The room was spinning a little. My declining health is getting the best of me, though I try my hardest to put on a brave face. I looked up for a second and I caught him staring. I'm not sure he even realized it, but our eyes met and he smiled at me. I'm pretty sure I fell in love all over again.
Selfish
Yesterday morning I was sitting in a hospital bed cold and really wanting to stop crying. A small part of me was scared about the test results, a bigger part of me was sad because I was all alone, but most of me was just in pain. Not physical pain. No you see, that I can handle. I was in emotional torment. Heart broken. I felt as though my heart didn't even exist inside my chest. The excruciating pain where it should be was a horrible ache. I was no longer hysterical like I had been a few hours prior. I didn't have the energy to be. But I think sitting in the hospital by myself with tears slowly streaming down my face was worse. Because as simple as it was and how calm I seemed, I still had no control. I couldn't stop myself from feeling like I was the worst person on earth and didn't even realize it until two little words were spoken from someone I never thought would say it. My definition of self never included that description.
I'm not sure if I'm still having mini seizures but I keep blacking out for a few minutes. Almost as though I'm dreaming though I assume you wouldn't call them dreams. Nightmares. Vivid flashbacks. Imagined conversations that tear me apart. My mind is attacking me. I couldn't sleep last night. I kept waking up in a panic. I feel so drained. I need to sleep. My brain has to rest in order for me to get better. But these feelings are too strong. This fear that has developed. This doubt that was never there. I just don't know what to do.
I kind of want to go back to the hospital. Beg them to put me in a self-induced coma. I need sleep. I need to stop remembering. I need to somehow, some way, get past all of this.
I need help.
I'm not sure if I'm still having mini seizures but I keep blacking out for a few minutes. Almost as though I'm dreaming though I assume you wouldn't call them dreams. Nightmares. Vivid flashbacks. Imagined conversations that tear me apart. My mind is attacking me. I couldn't sleep last night. I kept waking up in a panic. I feel so drained. I need to sleep. My brain has to rest in order for me to get better. But these feelings are too strong. This fear that has developed. This doubt that was never there. I just don't know what to do.
I kind of want to go back to the hospital. Beg them to put me in a self-induced coma. I need sleep. I need to stop remembering. I need to somehow, some way, get past all of this.
I need help.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
Vulnerabilty
I never expect anyone to love me as much as I love them. I never expect anyone to be there as much as I will be or even am willing to be. I don't think anyone can care about me as I care about them. I don't think anyone can truly guarantee that they will never leave like I will. I highly doubt anyone has the ability to feel as much as I do for them. I'm not saying that I'm unloved, or not cared about. Not in the slightest. I do, however, feel like I'm taken for granted in certain ways. I feel like I'm put just below everyone else. This is a problem for a few reasons. Mostly though, it's because I feel so much. It's because a few chosen people hold my heart in the palms of their hands. I'm so sensitive to everything they do and feel. I feel like if I breathe incorrectly they'll notice and throw me away. I'm simply not seen anywhere close as to how I see them. I'm completely vulnerable to them. An open book willing to be read if they so choose. But so much of me doesn't want to be.
Running away would be easier. Building up walls would improve the situation. Doing everything possible to protect myself is what's best for me. Yet I can't get myself to. I keep moving in closer. But my efforts aren't seen. My situation is unknown. I feel like I'm setting myself up. I'm loading their guns. They're going to kill me. And I'm allowing them to.
I know there are times when I'm irrational. I know there are times when I don't see things clearly. But usually in the back of my mind I'm aware of it. Right now, all I feel is fear. And an overwhelming sense to flee.
Running away would be easier. Building up walls would improve the situation. Doing everything possible to protect myself is what's best for me. Yet I can't get myself to. I keep moving in closer. But my efforts aren't seen. My situation is unknown. I feel like I'm setting myself up. I'm loading their guns. They're going to kill me. And I'm allowing them to.
I know there are times when I'm irrational. I know there are times when I don't see things clearly. But usually in the back of my mind I'm aware of it. Right now, all I feel is fear. And an overwhelming sense to flee.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Prepare The Way
Yesterday evening I had to get away from the madness. The commotion in my house was just too much for me. So I did the only thing I could think of. I went to church.
I sat in silence for nearly an hour. I just sat in the pew and gazed at the altar. There wasn't another soul to be seen. I was just sitting in an empty church, the main lights were off and honestly I was really cold. But my heart felt warm. I felt love, and I felt at peace. I began to sing. No one was around so I thought why not. I began in a whisper and gradually I got louder. Not too loud, mind you, but loud enough that if you were behind me you in the pew you would be able to clearly hear me. I kept repeating "Prepare the way. Prepare the way. Prepare the way of the Lord." When I got to the part of the name "Jesus" I was flooded with joy. I felt as though deep inside my heart I was making room. I was pushing past all my dark emotions and fears and making room for my Savior.
At 7pm I had lector practice. I didn't have to move from my seat but eventually the lights were turned on and I was joined by my fellow lectors who will be proclaiming the Word this weekend. As we were going through the readings and discussing them I kept thinking how really in love I am with Sacred Scripture. I am so blessed to be involved in this ministry. I am able to use my voice to proclaim the Word of God. I'm going into my sixth year of doing so and to be honest, I get enough compliments to completely inflate my ego. But all glory goes to God. As much as I appreciate the kind words people say about me, I know that it is not by my own accord that I do well. I do not go up on Sunday's and show everyone a talent that I may have. No, I allow myself to be an instrument to God's Word. I proclaim His message. I am, at that moment, His voice. The compliments are not for me. They're for the graces God has bestowed on me. I had a speech problem in kindergarten and first grade. I got made fun of so much that I secluded myself and decided speaking wasn't worth it. That shyness is still with me, and when I get really nervous I still stutter. Yet Christ called me to be a lector. Unworthy am I of His love.
My night ended in bliss. A few hours after I left the church I went over to Erin's house to stay over. Through her I was once again reminded of how blessed I am. God is too good to me.
Lord, continue to guide me. Continue to allow me to see all the good things You do for me. Continue to open my heart. I love You more than anything.
"A voice of one crying out in the desert, Prepare the way of the Lord, make straight his paths" -Matthew 3:3
I sat in silence for nearly an hour. I just sat in the pew and gazed at the altar. There wasn't another soul to be seen. I was just sitting in an empty church, the main lights were off and honestly I was really cold. But my heart felt warm. I felt love, and I felt at peace. I began to sing. No one was around so I thought why not. I began in a whisper and gradually I got louder. Not too loud, mind you, but loud enough that if you were behind me you in the pew you would be able to clearly hear me. I kept repeating "Prepare the way. Prepare the way. Prepare the way of the Lord." When I got to the part of the name "Jesus" I was flooded with joy. I felt as though deep inside my heart I was making room. I was pushing past all my dark emotions and fears and making room for my Savior.
At 7pm I had lector practice. I didn't have to move from my seat but eventually the lights were turned on and I was joined by my fellow lectors who will be proclaiming the Word this weekend. As we were going through the readings and discussing them I kept thinking how really in love I am with Sacred Scripture. I am so blessed to be involved in this ministry. I am able to use my voice to proclaim the Word of God. I'm going into my sixth year of doing so and to be honest, I get enough compliments to completely inflate my ego. But all glory goes to God. As much as I appreciate the kind words people say about me, I know that it is not by my own accord that I do well. I do not go up on Sunday's and show everyone a talent that I may have. No, I allow myself to be an instrument to God's Word. I proclaim His message. I am, at that moment, His voice. The compliments are not for me. They're for the graces God has bestowed on me. I had a speech problem in kindergarten and first grade. I got made fun of so much that I secluded myself and decided speaking wasn't worth it. That shyness is still with me, and when I get really nervous I still stutter. Yet Christ called me to be a lector. Unworthy am I of His love.
My night ended in bliss. A few hours after I left the church I went over to Erin's house to stay over. Through her I was once again reminded of how blessed I am. God is too good to me.
Lord, continue to guide me. Continue to allow me to see all the good things You do for me. Continue to open my heart. I love You more than anything.
"A voice of one crying out in the desert, Prepare the way of the Lord, make straight his paths" -Matthew 3:3
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