Selfish

Yesterday morning I was sitting in a hospital bed cold and really wanting to stop crying. A small part of me was scared about the test results, a bigger part of me was sad because I was all alone, but most of me was just in pain. Not physical pain. No you see, that I can handle. I was in emotional torment. Heart broken. I felt as though my heart didn't even exist inside my chest. The excruciating pain where it should be was a horrible ache. I was no longer hysterical like I had been a few hours prior. I didn't have the energy to be. But I think sitting in the hospital by myself with tears slowly streaming down my face was worse. Because as simple as it was and how calm I seemed, I still had no control. I couldn't stop myself from feeling like I was the worst person on earth and didn't even realize it until two little words were spoken from someone I never thought would say it. My definition of self never included that description.

I'm not sure if I'm still having mini seizures but I keep blacking out for a few minutes. Almost as though I'm dreaming though I assume you wouldn't call them dreams. Nightmares. Vivid flashbacks. Imagined conversations that tear me apart. My mind is attacking me. I couldn't sleep last night. I kept waking up in a panic. I feel so drained. I need to sleep. My brain has to rest in order for me to get better. But these feelings are too strong. This fear that has developed. This doubt that was never there. I just don't know what to do.

I kind of want to go back to the hospital. Beg them to put me in a self-induced coma. I need sleep. I need to stop remembering. I need to somehow, some way, get past all of this.

I need help.