Perhaps I'm overly paranoid about sounding selfish these days. I'm not sure how to explain certain emotions because I get scared. I don't really like feeling like I'm being watched. As though I'm just being waited on to mess up. To have someone jump up and say, "You see! Just like I said. You're selfish". I have disturbing dreams about it. I think about it and I burst into tears. This irrational fear of being someone I never wanted to be. I just sort of wish this feeling would go away. But I know how I am. Faulted or not, these things stay with me.

I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I have this unimaginable desire to feel like I'm the most important person in any sort of way to someone. That is selfish. But I can't help it. I keep thinking about so many things and crying for so many reasons that I can't take it anymore. This isn't just depression either. This is more than that. This is me dying. But wanting so badly to live. This is me still stupidly dreaming but not being able to get my feet off the ground.

New Years is coming soon and I keep thinking of resolutions. But do I have the courage to say them out loud? Because then what? If I fail everyone knows. Don't you all know already how much I've failed? I feel like no one and everyone sees me at the same time. I'm virtually ignored, forgotten, abused, and terribly mistaken until I do something wrong. Then everything is magnified. Taken out of context. I'm just laughed at.

I feel even worse now. I feel so stupid that I can't lift my arm. Actually, can't even move it without an incredible amount of pain shooting through it. Putting on my clothes is hard. Laying in bed is so uncomfortable. I need help eating because my right side is useless right now. But I don't want to ask for help. I manage as well as I can with my left. But I just feel so dumb. I'd prefer to have a life threatening issue instead.

Too many thoughts.