I never expect anyone to love me as much as I love them. I never expect anyone to be there as much as I will be or even am willing to be. I don't think anyone can care about me as I care about them. I don't think anyone can truly guarantee that they will never leave like I will. I highly doubt anyone has the ability to feel as much as I do for them. I'm not saying that I'm unloved, or not cared about. Not in the slightest. I do, however, feel like I'm taken for granted in certain ways. I feel like I'm put just below everyone else. This is a problem for a few reasons. Mostly though, it's because I feel so much. It's because a few chosen people hold my heart in the palms of their hands. I'm so sensitive to everything they do and feel. I feel like if I breathe incorrectly they'll notice and throw me away. I'm simply not seen anywhere close as to how I see them. I'm completely vulnerable to them. An open book willing to be read if they so choose. But so much of me doesn't want to be.
Running away would be easier. Building up walls would improve the situation. Doing everything possible to protect myself is what's best for me. Yet I can't get myself to. I keep moving in closer. But my efforts aren't seen. My situation is unknown. I feel like I'm setting myself up. I'm loading their guns. They're going to kill me. And I'm allowing them to.
I know there are times when I'm irrational. I know there are times when I don't see things clearly. But usually in the back of my mind I'm aware of it. Right now, all I feel is fear. And an overwhelming sense to flee.
Stephanie you are not selfish. Stephanie i wish i could make you see yourself the way i see you, and the way Erin, Chris, and Jacob see you. We all Love you and Cherish you and what you give to us. We will never "Throw you away".
ReplyDeleteI Know you may not trust me as much Steph but please try and see how much you mean to me.
I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting overjoyed when they walk into a room and smile at you.
i dont know if this helps but maybe itll give you an idea of some of how much you mean to me.